~ December ~

Smackdown 15 December

Hey, if you’re looking for something to kiss, here’s an idea, why don’t you pucker up those lips and kiss my ass. I mean, I don’t know if it was more painful beating Kane in the Last Man Standing match last Sunday or watching Lita get hit on by a past his prime nerd with the sex appeal of Urkel. So, Dean Malurkel, it’s go time!
- Chris Jericho -

Raw 12 December

Christian: Tag Team Testicle Table match? Are they implying we don’t have any testicles?
Edge: Worse than that, are they saying they want to put our testicles through a table? Oh, man!

King: Yeah, that was a big mistake wearing his wedding ring out on a date.
JR: You would never do that, would you?
- Referring to Dean Malenko going on a date with Lita, even though he’s married -

Smackdown 8 December

*Lita and Dean Malenko are at the steakhouse on their date*
Dean: Lita, have I told you how incredibly beautiful you look this evening? You know that it actually even hurts me just to even look at you.
Lita: If it makes you feel any better Dean, it hurts me to look at you too.
Dean: Aww, thank you.

Dean: Are you sure you have enough (food)?
Lita: Mmmmm, I think so.
Dean: You know, when I said order anything off the menu, I didn't mean everything off the menu.
Lita: I know.
Dean: Well I'm glad you have a good appetite because you're gonna need your energy level later anyway.
*Lita spits food out of her mouth*
Lita: hehehehe...really? hehehe.

Austin must really hate Angle to be throwing good beer at him.
- King -

King: You think he’s beautiful?
Cole: Who? Chris Jericho?
King: Yeah.
Cole: He’s not bad looking. And compared to Kane, yes I do.
King: Look at you Michael Cole. You got the face of a star…Lassie. But…
Cole: I was gonna thank you, but…

That reeks of accidentalness.
- King on Edge accidentally spearing Christian off the apron -

Oh yeah, E&C and MSG
We’re E&C and we ain’t no strangers
We’ve got more wins than the New York Rangers.
- Part of Edge & Christian’s rap taking off K-Kwik & Road Dogg -

King: Look at Jericho, he’s out of control.
Cole: Well, look at Regal. Regal’s still out in the ring.
King: Look at Kane. He’s still out on the floor.

Raw 5 December

Dean: (walks in to the Hardyz locker room) Oh Lita!
Lita: What the hell are you doin here?
Matt: You’ve got about two seconds Dean.
Dean: Hey, hey. Hold on a second. Did I come at a bad time? Guys, I’m not here to talk to you. I’m here to talk to Lita.
Lita: Wait Matt.
Dean: Lita, I wanted to give you something and apologise to you for everything I said.
Lita: (sees Dean holding a small bunch of flowers) Oh, are these for me?
Dean: (hands Lita the flowers) Yes they are. And given the right chance I really do think you can like me. And all I’m asking you is just for one chance and more important than that, a date.
Lita: K, can I think about that?
Dean: Sure you can. No problem.
Lita: I’ve thought about it. No!
(Lita hits Dean on the head with the flowers and then Matt throws him out of their locker room)
Lita: What was he thinking? Cheap flowers.

*Dean knocks on the Hardyz locker room door and Lita opens it and stands in the doorway*
Dean: Tonight I’m giving you an opportunity to become the Light Heavyweight champion.
Lita: Ok, keep talking.
Dean: An if you win, you become the Light Heavyweight champion. I move on and we’ll forget about me and you ever happened. But…
Lita: If you win…
Dean: That’s right; if I win, me and you – Thursday night, no Smackdown. Baby, it will be a dinner that you will never forget. *Dean holds out a box of chocolates to Lita* Chocolates? *Lita decides on a chocolate and eats it* Mmmm, good choice.
Lita: Got yourself a match. *Lita deliberately knocks the box of chocolates out of Dean’s hand and the choccies go flying. Lita slams the door shut*
Dean: She really digs me.
King: Yeah right.

The Rock knows he’s got five other guys he’s gotta compete with. And even if The Rock has got to beat Kurt Angle which means “I’m gonna drink a big glass of milk, eat some chocolate chip cookies and then maybe I’ll take three Viagra.” Or maybe The Rock is going to face Rikiski. Beat Rikishi. “I did it for The Rock. I did it for the People. I did it…” Oh shut your mouth you thong wearing fatty. Or maybe even The Rock has got to beat the Undertaker, the American Badass. Beat him so bad that one more time, he’ll raise up. “Rest in peace.” Or maybe The Rock has got to beat Triple H himself. “Which means ahh he’s got to beat the Game ahh in the middle of the ring ahh and he has a two dollar slut for a wife ahh.” Or maybe The Rock has got to beat Stone Cold Steve Austin. “Which means I gotta get in my pick up truck, drink some Steveweisers, listen to some Backstreet Boys and that’s the bottom line cause the Great One said so.”
- The Rock does some impersonating -

The hell in the cell. And it doesn’t matter what you call it.
Whether its called hell in the cell, rage in the cage, painus in your anus…
- The Rock has some different names for ‘hell in the cell’ -

King: I could actually understand what Edge and Christian were saying. But when these rappin reekazoids come out, I can’t understand a word.
JR: Don’t you have closed captioning on your TV?
- About Road Dogg and K-Kwik coming out and rapping -

Her jeans are extra low tonight. Don’t pull those pants up.
- King about Lita’s pants -

~ November ~

*Mick Foley sticks his finger into a cactus*
Mick Foley: One, two. Two pricks. *Edge & Christian walk in*
Edgester, Christian. Hey, I was just talking about you guys.
Edge: Yeah, well we wanted to talk to you before its too late.
Mick Foley: Talk to me about what?
Christian: Mick, as you know we’re friends with Kurt Angle.
Edge: More like acquaintances. Casual acquaintances.
Christian: Oh, totally cas.

And Rikishi, this tag match tonight is not about winning, it’s not about losing.
The Rock couldn’t care less whose shoulders get pinned.
Whether you pin someone’s shoulders,
whether you pin the tail on the donkey
or whether, Rikishi, you’re mama pins a note to your chest
that says ‘The Rock just whooped my big, fat candy ass’.
- The Rock about Rikishi -

Smackdown

Michael Cole: This Eddie Guerrero is pathetic. He thinks every woman in the world wants a piece of Latino Heat.
King: Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute. I think jealousy is rearing its ugly head. Just because no women want to have anything to do with you, Michael.

Right now JR would say “He went to the well once too often.” Whatever that means.
- King about Billy Gunn doing his ‘famouser’ twice -

You are no more than a suit wearing, bug eyed, cockamayme, punk ass, son of a bitch.
- The Rock to William Regal -

It doesn’t matter if you feel besmirched.
- The Rock to Regal -

I like a white Christmas but I really hate ‘snow’ on Thanksgiving.
- Foley was talking about Al Snow, not snow in general. LOL -

Poor Crash got smashed.
- King -

Rap and wrestling go together like turkey and dressing.
- King -

Open mouth, insert foot.
- Michael Cole on Kurt talking about Undertaker -

That's my chair, but you can have it.
- King -

You guys, who would like a piece of my pie?
- Debra -

Raw 21 November

See there, he’s sick. He enjoyed it.
- King on Stone Cold picking up Triple H’s car (with him in it) with a forklift and dropping it -

Last time I did check the rankings, technically Stone Cold
Steve Austin was the #1 rated beer drinker in the history of WWF.
- Stone Cold to Chris Benoit -

If you wanna see me give this snaggle-tooth son of a bitch
a Stone Cold wrestling lesson, give me a ‘hell yeah’.
- Stone Cold to the crowd -

JR: Steven Richards just got brought in by the Dudleyz
who just tossed him right back out like yesterdays newspaper.
King: In and out, in and out with you Steven.

Yeah, Prince Charles, we don’t serve any tea or crumpets here.
- Test to Regal -

Regal: I need protection.
Test: Protection? Go down to the drug store and get your own.

It’s better to be smart than lucky.
- King -

King: Oh, Ivory's wearing pants tonight. Thank goodness. That way we don't get an opportunity to look up that dress of hers.
Chyna: Yeah, thats much better for all of us, isn't it?

JR: King, you’ve done well. You’ve minded your manners here with Chyna with us. I’m proud of you.
King: And never at any time did my hands leave my arms.

Rock, paper, scissors. Who’s startin?
- King when Edge & Christian played ‘rock, paper, scissors’ to decide who’s starting out against the Undertaker -

Where do you keep your pet ‘coons?
Out by your government mules?
- King to JR -

His idea of a balanced diet is a beer in each hand.
- King about Stone Cold Steve Austin -

I don’t like it when they technically wrestle out here on our announce table.
- King -

These guys, I mean they sacrifice their bodies every minute of every match.
They’ll be lucky to last to Smackdown next Thursday.
- King on the Hardyz during their Survivor Series match -

Survivor Series 20 November

The Elroy Jetson look-alike.
- JR about Crash -

That will stop you in your tracks and dim your lights.
- JR on Test’s big boot in the face of Crash -

JR: He’s not an elf.
King: What? I think elves are a little taller.

I better not make any short jokes about Crash.
He'll come over here and punch me in the ankle.
- King -

King: What’d he do? What’d he do?
JR: He grabbed Molly by the hair, that’s what Test did.

King: I think Molly nearly poured her heart out with that move, if you know what I mean.
I think Molly got poured into that outfit and forgot to say when. Woohoo!
JR: Are you complaining?
King: No, not a bit. I like ya, Molly.

Edge: Well, Kurt. We’d love to help you tonight in your match against The Undertaker, but see our match is right after and plus I think Christian’s coming down with something again.
Christian: Dude, I think I ate some bad chilli, I came down with mono. Oh, tragic.
Edge: Its serious.
Kurt: You guys with your crazy antics. Not necessary.

King: Wait a minute, is he The One or are they The Two?
JR: I don’t know about The Two but he’s certainly The One.
- On Billy Gunn and Chyna -

JR: He looked like an accordion there for a moment. He got folded up like an old three dollar card table.
King: Accordion? They still make those?

Anybody that’s normal looking, Kane doesn’t like.
That would include you.
- JR to King -

I remember when I was a kid I used to have one of those Mr Potato Heads.
I used to enjoy re-arranging the face on that.
Kane wants to do it for real with Jericho.
- King -

And that’ll leave a mark, right along with those other marks
where guys have been touching Ivory with ten foot poles.
- King on Lita kicking Ivory’s head -

Almost knocked Steven out of his white socks.
- JR on Lita jumping off the top rope onto Steven Richards -

JR: Angle, doing a good deal of stalling here before this…
King: Wait a minute, wait a minute. The word is psychology, not stalling.
Why would you get in there if the match hadn’t started? That’s not stalling.
- On Kurt Angle reluctantly getting in the ring with the Undertaker -

What the hell is this? A quadruple DDT!
- JR during the Hardyz, Dudleyz, E&C, Goodfather and Bul Buchanan match -

No more Edge-o-matic. I wanna see another Edge-o-matic.
- King on Edge’s new move -

JR: He’s having a Steveweiser.
King: He can’t drink on the job.
JR: He said he’s thirsty.
- During the Triple H v Stone Cold Steve Austin match -

Raw 14 November

King: You know, I guess Tazz and Raven have got a lot in common.
JR: What’s that?
King: Nobody gives a damn about either one of them.

Edge: You know what Kurt? How about some music to soothe your frazzled nerves? *haha*
Christian: Sweet! I call this ‘Crash in D minor’. 2, 3, 4…
*Christian starts playing a kazooie and Edge sings*
Edge: It is Crash, it is Crash Holly
He is dumb, but otherwise jolly
Get a scale, but now he doesn’t
Hardcore Holly is his cousin…
Sometimes they call him Elroy Jetson.

~ October ~

No Mercy 22 October

Christian: Look Lilian, we thought it was our nuts.
Lilian: What?
Christian: Yeah.
Edge: You see, we wanted to be in that Dudleyz Invitational Death Table thing as much as anyone else, but Christian & I went to the movies last night. We had some popcorn & some peanuts & we thought we got food poisoning from the nuts. Turns out, fear not. Our nuts are safe for consumption.
Christian: Yeah, I mean just a couple of hours ago Edge was in the toilet totally blowing chunks & I'm standing there holding his nuts, when we realized something...
Edge: Yeah, that there was no nuts in my chunks, so it had to be a passing virus. Our nuts are better than ever. As a matter of fact, I can whip them out right now!
Christian: Yeah, why don't you go ahead & grab your nuts there Edge.*Edge & Christian laugh*
King (while commentating): What?!
*Edge grabs a bowl of nuts*
Edge: You know Lilian, if you wanna sample our nuts later on we'll be cheering The Conquistadors onto victory over The Hardy Boyz.
Christian: Dude, you've got big nuts! Hard nuts rule all!

~ September ~

Unforgiven 24 September

That's a car wreck waiting to happen.
- JR on Dudleyz teaming up with APA -

King: I just can't get used to calling him the Goodfather.
JR: There's nothing good about him right now.
King: Not without the ho's. I used to just tolerate the Goodfather just so I could see the ho's.

King: Speaking of whips, wait til I get in that match with Tazz, JR. What's your favourite saying?
JR: Whipped him like a government mule.

Steven Richards - that's who I want to see put through a table.
- King -

JR: When you want something badly enough in the WWF, you normally get it.
King: Especially when you're dealing with the Dudleyz.
- On the crowd wanting tables -

This is going to be worth the price of admission right here alone.
- King right before Steven was going through a table thanks to the Dudleyz -

Ah, he's hurt. This is great.
- King on Steven after he went through the table -

Keep in mind, the use of Al Snow's head in there is perfectly legal in this matchup.
- Michael Cole during the Hardcore Invitational match -

Give me the key!
- Jeff Hardy to the ref during the steel cage match between Hardyz v E&C -

Rats, she wearing clothes. Can you imagine JR, that body with no clothes on?
- King when Chyna came down the ramp w/ Eddie -

JR: Guess what she's wearing?
King: A staple!
JR: That's about it.
King: Yahoo! I can hardly wait to see that.
- JR got to see a preview of Chyna in Playboy and he was telling King about it -

I think one of Rikishi's butt cheeks weighs more than Eddie Guerrero.
- King -

It'll take a backhoe to get Eddie's face out of Rikishi's butt cheeks.
- JR -

I could use a friend right now, where's Trish?
- King after seeing Trish console Kurt but he blew her off -

I did what I had to do and I am damn proud of it.
And Triple H, I gave your wife the kind of passion that you
could never give her, even if your life depended on it and that is true.
- Kurt defends himself for kissing Stephanie -

Triple H: Now, what kind of a guy stands in front of a hot woman and just wants to be friends? You'd like to hang out with Steph. You'd like to maybe go shopping for drapes with Steph. It doesn't make you a sissy.
King: A sissy? JR, do you think it's true?
- Triple H calls Kurt Angle a 'sissy' -

Hey, Hunter. Ask your wife if I kiss like a pansy.
- Kurt Angle -

King: You speak Spanish, JR?
JR: Hell no. Triple H can barely speak English, as you can tell.

I know he had some evil intentions concerning our announce table here.
- King about Triple H being ready to demolish the announce table
(The Spanish announce table was already wrecked) -

Michael Cole: But will the Undertaker, Chris Benoit and Kane get what they want? Namely, your WWF championship.
The Rock: Michael Cole, how can you stand there and ask The Rock such a stupid question? How do you know what they want? How do you know what the Undertaker, Chris Benoit and Kane want? Maybe Kane just wants a box of matches so he can go light his big red ass on fire. Did you ever think about that? Or maybe Benoit, all he wants is a pet wolverine so he can go ahead and lick it's left testicle. Did you ever think about that? Or maybe the Undertaker, the American Badass wants to jump on his motorcycle and ride around The First Union center a couple more times because it gives him that, funny feeling.

Because if they think that they're gonna beat The Rock tonight then The Rock says he's gonna take all three of their heads and shove them so far up their asses they're gonna cut holes in their little nipples just to see.
- The Rock says Undertaker, Benoit & Kane have no chance of beating him -

I remember when we were Tag Team champions the first time, I used to just look at my belt and stare at it, in awe and I just could not believe I was the champion, at 21 years old, you know whatever it was but now to have it again and just to be at this point in our career, it feels once again, amazing. It's just an amazing feeling to be 23 years old from a small town like Cameron, North Carolina and now known as...when you have these belts you're looked at as the best Tag Team in the world and to me thats just such an honour and I'm so proud of my brother and myself and the Hardy Boyz in general.
- Jeff Hardy after winning the Tag Team titles with Matt -

~ August ~

You come out here every week and you like to play the ignorant jackass.
Hey, don’t get me wrong, you do a great job.
You’re the best ignorant jackass we’ve got here.
- Triple H to Kurt Angle -

The Rock: Kevin Kelly, let The Rock answer your question with a question of his own. Are you mentally as well as physically prepared to tickle the anus of a monkey?
Kevin Kelly: Rock, why do you always…
The Rock: Why do you ask The Rock stupid questions? Why are you an ugly hermaphrodite? Nobody knows, Kevin Kelly. But what everybody does know is this; is last night at Summerslam, The Rock went through a war. Last night at Summerslam, The Rock went to hell and back and last night at Summerslam, The Rock is still WWF champion.

~ July ~

Fully Loaded 24 July

Go ahead, tell us about the Hardyz.
They’re dare devils, they’re risk takers,
they’re idiots sometimes, JR.
- King -

He took a chance with his hair colour.
His head looks like a bowl of Lucky Charms.
What’s up with that, JR?
- King about Jeff Hardy’s hair -

King: Food poisoning is serious.
JR: If it’s legitimate.
King: You eat a lot of food, have you ever been poisoned?
JR: No, I haven’t. I eat a lot of BBQ sauce.

Whats the number for the Dallas Police Department?
911 – Donuts or something.
- King -

I can’t believe it, I’m impressed with Al Snow.
- King during the Al Snow v Tazz match -

This is Fully Loaded but apparently Christian’s stomach isn’t.
- King -

Edge: Food poisoning rules.
Christian: Yeah, it does.
- On Christian faking food poisoning to get out of a match against the Acolytes -

I’ll tell you what my medical opinion is.
Kurt Angle is gonna need a doctor to surgically
remove my foot from his ass.
- Undertaker -

You know, the ironic thing is Christian really is sick…
sick and tired of being in Dallas, Texas.
- Edge to the crowd -

You can break a lot of holds by going downstairs.
- JR -

King: Trish is a great asset at ringside.
JR: She’s an ass alright.
King: Asset.

Hope you like lying on your back, jackass.
- Jericho to Triple H after beating him up in his dressing room -

King: Jericho can’t get a woman of his own. Gotta go around and try to steal somebody else’s wife.
JR: Well, how do you know that to be true?
King: I just know he don’t have a woman. I heard he shaves one of his legs so that when he goes to bed at night it feels like he’s sleeping with a woman.

Boy, I bet this tasted good.
- King on Steph slapping Jericho -

King: Look at Stephanie. I think she’s having some evil thoughts right now.
JR: Well, she is a McMahon, you know.

This may be the stupidest things he’s done since he stuck his tongue down Stephanie’s throat.
- King on Chris Jericho not quitting the Last Man Standing match -

Christian: You know, right here at Fully Loaded we so proved we are the fightingest tag team champions in WWF history by getting past the Acolytes. And I wasn’t even 100%, I was feeling a little under the weather today.
Edge: And we totally proved that we are Fully Loaded of guts, of testicular fortitude and of hutspa.
Christian: Yeah, hutspa rules.

~ April ~

Wrestlemania 3 April

When you heard Ice T was gonna be here,
you got thirsty didn’t you, JR?
- King -

He never did have both oars in the water.
- King on Tazz -

Get up there. Move your perfect teeth. You can do it.
- King about Edge -

The only difference is while Wrestlemania only comes once a year,
the Big Valbowski comes every single night.
- Val Venis -

And I can guarantee that Kirk Angel and Mr Roboto are gonna walk out of this match with bumps and bruises and a t-shirt that reads ‘I visited Anaheim and all I got was this lousy t-shirt and a Y2J beating that I will never eeeeeeeever forget again’.
- Chris Jericho -

King: Is there a word for furious that starts with an ‘I’?
JR: Irate.
King: Yes, he’s irate. That was good, JR. He’s incredulous.
- On Kurt losing the Intercontinental title -

They put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional.
- King about the McMahon’s -

We beat the Hardy Boyz. We beat the Dudley Boyz. We accomplished a life long goal. And that was to win these titles. But not without immense pain. And believe me when I say I’d go through it all again tomorrow if we have to, to keep these things.
- Christian after the Triangle Ladder match -

~ January ~

Royal Rumble 24 January

Terri: We are gonna go out there and tear the roof off of Madison Square Garden.
Jeff Hardy: Terri. No! You think we're gonna let you go out there tonight? Do you realise how violent this is gonna be? No!
Matt Hardy: Everyone knows the Dudleyz are extreme. Everyone knows the Dudleyz are the master of putting people through tables. We weren't even supposed to be in the WWF. But we are and tonight we're gonna put the Dudleyz through tables or we're gonna die tryin.
- Before the first ever Tag Team Table match -

There's only one Jeff Hardy in
this world and he's in the WWF.
- JR (Jeff was in WWE til 22 April 2003) -

Bubba Ray's eyes are glazed over
and it's not from eating doughnuts.
- King -

Give me that microphone Howard Finkel. Get out of the ring.
These girls aren't your type. They're not inflatable.
- King getting ready to host the Miss Rumble Swimsuit Contest -

JR: Are you a Jerichoholic, King?
King: Ah, I like Chris Jericho. I might be more of a Chyna fan though.

It's a slapfest.
- King on Jericho, Chyna & Hardcore Holly getting 'slappy' -

Cole: Rock, with all due respect, shouldn't you be a little more concerned with say...The Big Show?
The Rock: Well, The Rock says this, you should be concerned with fixing yourself a nice, tall glass of shut up juice. Fix it!

Y2J is now going to lead all the Jerichoholics like some kind of a pied piper into the
promised land holding up the Inter Chris-anental championship belt for everybody to see, daddy-o.
- Chris Jericho after winning the Intercontinental championship -

JR: Rikishi's backside just wiped out, no pun intended, Test and Gangrel.
King: Wiping Rikishi's backside. Thats a horrible thought. That'd take a queen size bedsheet.

I don't think he plays well with others.
- King on Viscera -

He's lightning quick too...not much personality but he'll hurt you.
- King about Steve Blackman -

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