~ December ~
Smackdown 27 December
Christmas in Baghdad
Well I think the canons are pointing towards the ring, ladies and gentlemen.
- Tazz after Torrie had undressed in the Santa’s Little Helper competition -
Smackdown 20 December
Tis the season to be spreading love and holiday cheer
I'm pissed, I've been getting ripped off for 26 years
I ask for presents, all I ever got was yellow snow
So this year I turned Mrs Claus into a ho, ho, ho
Christmas Eve and Santa Claus is skipping over my house
I be at his crib with my hand up Mrs Claus's blouse
When his fat ass gets stuck down some small chimney
Well she be hanging off the balls from my Christmas tree
With all the other elves up there, I don't know who else been at it
So when I give her my Christmas present I make damn sure that I wrap it
So put out your milk and cookies for good 'ol Saint Nick
The longer he's gone, the longer Mrs Claus is working my d***.
- John Cena -
Raw 19 December
Talk about runaway egos.
- JR about Jericho and Christian -
JR: Here's the man that broke Trish Stratus's heart. You know King, I knew all along that Jericho was a first class jackass.
King: Hey hey hey.
JR: Its always about him.
I loved Battle of the Sexes 1.
I don't think I've ever yelled so much in a match.
Like I said, I lost my voice last night cheering for Lita & Trish.
They overachieved, don't you think?
- King -
JR: He won't even face her now. He tags himself out.
King: He don't want to hurt her...again.
- About Jericho & Trish -
King: Now that is a legitimate look of concern.
JR: Don't be naive.
King: I think Jericho's in love.
JR: Somehow I don't believe that.
Jericho: Are you okay?
Trish: Am I okay?
Jericho: Yeah.
Trish: No, I'm not okay. It doesn't matter if I'm okay because now, now I know the real Chris. I know the real Chris Jericho is an asshole. And you know what? You know whats gonna make me feel better? It would make me feel better if you never talked to me again.
Armageddon 15 December
That is a cheeky cartwheel.
- JR about Stacy's cartwheels -
He looks at that belt like he looks in the mirror, with amazing grace.
- JR about Randy Orton -
King: I think that Nate-ch may have had something in his hand.
JR: Oh he had something in his hand.
King: What was it? A foreign object?
JR: What do you mean ‘may have’?
King: Well okay, I’ll give you credit, I think Nate-ch had something.
JR: He had an international object in his hand? Looked to me like something metal.
- On Ric Flair having some brass knucks -
King: There’s Peeps signs all over this arena.
JR: There’s two of them, all in Christian’s handwriting.
Calm down. This is not what we want.
- Jericho to Trish, while she was attacking him in their match -
I never knew what Trish saw in Jericho anyway.
I didn’t understand all that wrestling romance.
- JR -
He didn’t hit her with his fists yet.
- King about Jericho wrestling Lita -
That’s one of those peek-a-boo blouses.
One peek and you boo.
- King on Christian taking off Lita’s shirt -
Christian’s not so creepy now.
- King on Christian celebrating his & Jericho’s win in Battle of the Sexes -
King: Check this move out. What is that actually called?
JR: I don't know. It might be a 'nose picker'.
King: Did you act like Molly when you were sexually frustrated?
JR: I don't think I did but I might have acted a little bitchy.
King: I notice, I see her sometimes she drinks alot of prune juice. Maybe thats why her face is contorted, puckered up and all pursed up.
JR: Maybe she has a problem with irregularity.
- Talking about Molly -
Smackdown 13 December
I think Shannon Moore may have got a carpet burn.
- Cole on Shannon doing a crossbody & landing on A Train's back -
Raw 12 December
A Canadian dollar, what's that worth?
- King -
Jericho: Now before we beat the Dudley Boyz and become the new Tag Team champions right here tonight, we've got something very, very important to say.
King: They're gonna give the Dudleyz flowers?
Christian: Lita, Trish, there's alot of rumours flying around that you two are mad at us and Chris and I just wanna say from the bottoms of our hearts we really, really hope thats not true.
Jericho: He's serious, we really, really feel bad about this. I mean Trish, I've been calling you all week long, on your cell phone, on your house phone. I've been leaving messages for ya and you haven't been responding. It's breaking my heart, I don't know what else I can do to make this up to you, I don't know what else I can do.
*Trish and Lita walk down the ramp to the ring*
Jericho: Woah woah woah woah. Man, talk about if looks could kill, Christian. Look at your faces, what did we do to you guys that would make you feel this way?
*Trish holds up a Canadian dollar to Jericho's face which he takes off her*
Jericho: Okay, thats what this is about? The Canadian dollar? You're mad at us because of that bet? It was just a joke. It was just a stupid joke. Maybe our sense of humour was a little bit off but you know us, I can't believe you're seriously mad about that. It was a little bit juvenile for sure but do you really think that Christian and I would make a bet for one dollar Canadian to see who could sleep with you guys first? Is that what you think? C'mon Trish, you know the chemistry that we have. You feel the connection between us, it's genuine, it's the real thing. I would never jeopardise that for some stupid bet. I respect you way too much for that. I feel too much about you for that. And Lita, you know Christian feels the same way. He gave up his Survivor Series favour so you could keep your job. You know the real us. Trish, you know the real me.
Crowd: Asshole asshole asshole asshole...
Jericho:Don't listen to what they're saying. You know the real me that's why I'm begging you to please, please accept my apology. I'm begging you Trish, please. You know the real me. It's all about you Trish. I can't stop thinking about you all the time. You know how I feel. Trish, please. You know how I feel about you. It's like I said last week, I've never felt this way about anybody my entire life. Trish, please. I've never felt this way about anybody ever. Accept my apology.
*Trish has had enough and slaps Jericho in the face and then attacks him with the roses. Lita then attacks Christian with her roses*
They've been scorned.
- King on Trish & Lita -
I'm a pretty good lip reader. I think she just said "How did that feel?"
Trish wants Jericho to feel pain.
She wants him to be hurt just like Jericho hurt her last week.
- King on Trish -
King: Can he do that?
JR: Well he just did it.
- On Jericho pulling the ref out of the ring -
It was a double whassup.
- King on Trish & Lita doing a 'whassup' on Jericho & Christian -
King: That was the worst bet that Jericho and Christian have ever made in their lives.
JR: All over a dollar.
King: And a Canadian dollar at that.
JR: Well, that's irrelevant.
King: Let's get one thing straight, they said they were not whining JR.
JR: They did say that.
King: Do you think they were whining?
JR: It sounded a little...
King: Sorta sounded whinish, didn't it?
JR: It sounded a little whiney to me King.
King: Maybe they would like a little cheese with that whine.
- On Cade & Jindrak 'whining' last week -
He always looks like an unmade bed, even in that nice suit.
- King on Foley -
The only thing strong about the French Army is their damn body odour.
- The Rock -
Raw 5 December
Foley: After doing hours of painstaking research, I've come to the conclusion that there's only one thing really wrong with Raw.
Eric: Oh really, what might that be?
Foley: You. You are what's wrong with this show Eric Bischoff so I've taken my powers as Consultant to hire a new Co-General Manager of Raw...me, Mick Foley.
Trish: I know it's in here somewhere.
Lita: It might be right here.
*Lita holds up and shows Trish a Jericho figurine which Trish grabs off her*
Trish: Hi, I'm Jericho. Hi...
Lita: I thought you could use some company.
Trish: Well, thanks so much, I'll keep that. Thank you.
Lita: But seriously, what is going on between the two of you?
Trish: I don't know Lita. It's like I don't think I've ever felt like this before. We just have awesome times together, you know what I mean? I'm just feeling that connection.
Lita: Uh huh.
Trish: Uh huh, what about you and Christian anyway?
Lita: Okay subject changer, I was asking about you and Jericho. What about last week? What happened with the two of you there?
Trish: Last week is what did it you know, we just hung out and just talked about our feelings and stuff like that. It was just special man. I was really feeling it and in fact, tonight is gonna be very special. Wanna see something?
Lita: Okay. What you got?
Trish: Don't laugh, it's so silly.
Lita: Alright.
Trish: Okay. See this *Trish holds up a Canada hockey jersey with 'Jericho 1' on the back* I made it for him.
Lita: That's not silly, that's sweet.
Trish: Isn't that cute? So I thought maybe I'd put it on and then maybe underneath I'd have this on *Trish holds up a purple lacy bra* you know what I mean?
Lita: Wow.
Trish: Cause you know what Lita?
Lita: What?
Trish: I really think tonight is the night.
JR: Rob Conway is an American. He's a French sympathiser.
King: What does that mean? Does he forego a shower before and after the match?
Trish: This is crazy but I've just never felt this way before, you know what I mean?
Jericho: Yeah, I know what you mean because I feel the same way.
King: I love this ring gear. Something's happened to her pants. I think some moths must have gotten into her closet or something.
JR: Somebody stole her pockets.
- About Jackie Gayda's wrestling tights -
JR: Will Coach be (fired) next?
King: I hope so.
King: I'm a little concerned about this Trish and Jericho situation.
JR: Why are you concerned about it?
King: That thing looks like it's starting to get a little serious.
JR: That it does.
King: Look at the look on her face.
JR: She's glowing. She's glowing at the arrival of Chris Jericho.
JR: It's gonna be a mixed tag meaning that the ladies will compete with the ladies and the men will compete with the men here.
King: So then who does Rico compete with?
I just hope that...well he and Trish really have something in common
and they're on the same page and I hope they write a novel together, so to speak.
- JR -
King: I think Jericho is just trying to show off to Trish.
JR: I think Jericho is trying to win this match.
JR: You talk about a fighting spirit, this young woman has got one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen.
King: Two of the biggest hearts.
- About Trish -
Christian: I’m telling you C-Man, I’m telling you the bet is gonna be over after tonight. I’m gonna seal the deal.
Jericho: Why? What makes you say that? Why?
Christian: Oh come on, did you see when Molly knocked Lita down at ringside? I went over there and I picked her up real gentle. We had a moment alright, she had a little sparkle in her eyes. She’s digging this man, she’s digging it.
Jericho: Oh okay, so you guys had a moment when you looked into each others eyes?
Christian: Yep.
Jericho: Big deal. I’ve been making out with Trish for the last three weeks. She’s been falling for every single thing I’ve been saying. It’s been absolutely pathetic. Pathetic!
Christian: Chris, c’mon. I know you’re into that huggy kissy cuddle stuff. I’m not into that man.
Jericho: Oh yeah.
Christian: I’m already rounding third base and I’m headed for home. Trish is a prude. She’s a prude.
Jericho: Oh really?
Christian: She’s locked at the knees. Lita; Lita’s extreme. She’s extreme.
Jericho: Did you not hear what Trish was saying earlier? ‘I’ve never felt this way before’. How pathetic. How sad is that?
Christian: It’s sad.
Jericho: And I’ll tell you something else, she’s gonna be feeling something she’s never felt before later tonight because I told you from the start, I could nail Trish before you nailed Lita. I’m gonna win the bet Christian. I’m gonna win it tonight.
Christian: Is that so?
Jericho: That’s so.
Christian: Well I’ve got one dollar, Canadian, that says you’re wrong.
Jericho: Let me put it to you like this, if you think the Paris Hilton sex tape was hot, wait til you see the Highlight Reel I put together tonight.
Christian: Yeah.
Jericho: I can’t believe how stupid that broad was.
Christian: All broads are like that.
*Trish has been waiting outside the locker room. She heard what Jericho and Christian were saying. She starts to cry and then walks away*
~ November ~
Raw 28 November
Now I know a lot of you guys here from Utah are sitting
asking your three or four wives what exactly is Raw Roulette.
Well, let me explain it to you. You see, almost every match
tonight is going to be determined by the spin of the Raw Roulette wheel.
- Eric stirs up the Utah crowd -
Kicked to the curb and fired, all in one night.
- King about Lita, who was also rehired -
Lita, it is so good to see you again this week.
And my you must have had a rough week of it haven’t you?
I mean, first of all you lose your boyfriend and then you lose your job.
And I have to say I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the fact that Christian decided to call
in one of his favours to get you your job back but you know, after thinking about it,
keeping you around to play with might be a whole lot more fun than firing you in the first place.
- Eric Bischoff to Lita -
I love Raw Roulette.
- King -
JR: This woman Victoria is unbalanced, to say the least.
King: She looks perfectly symmetrical to me. You mean mentally unbalanced?
JR: Yes.
King: Oh, that makes her dangerous doesn’t it?
JR: Yes.
I think I see underwear. Yes, I do.
- King during the Lita v Victoria steel cage match -
Isn't it funny how the older you get, the better you were.
- King -
Terri, there's a midget looking up your dress.
- Shawn Michaels tells Terri that Fernando is 'sneaking a peek' -
Why do you always hate to agree with me?
I'm always right.
- King to JR -
Eric: A bra & panties match. How does that make you feel?
Trish: Well actually Eric, my track record in the bra & panties department is pretty good, so thank you.
Eric: Well then, I should say good luck or maybe it should be...bad luck.
*Trish laughs at Eric's comment and then walks out of the office and up to where Jericho is waiting in the hallway*
Jericho: What was it? No, wait...let me see...my psychic powers are telling me that it was a bra & panties match.
Trish: You got it Cleo.
Jericho: You're kidding me?
Trish: It's okay.
Jericho: If you have a problem with that, let me go talk to Bischoff, he owes me a favour.
Trish: You know what... *Trish rearranges her shirt and looks down at her puppies* I think I got this.
Jericho: I think you got it too. But if you want me to go talk to him, he's right in there.
Trish: No, it's cool. But you know what, I do want to talk to you about your match tonight. I know that you're teaming with Shawn Michaels tonight and I know you guys have a history. Chris, I just want to you to do the right thing out there, you know what I mean?
Jericho: No, I don't really know what you mean. What do you mean 'do the right thing'? Have you not seen Shawn Michaels and I at each others throats for the last year? I can't even stand being in the same ring as Shawn Michaels 'HBK'.
Trish: Look, Eric Bischoff is just using you, he's treating you like his puppet. He's just trying to get what he wants from you okay. Look, don't go out there and be what Eric Bischoff wants you to be. Be the man, be the man that I know you are.
*Jericho starts to walk away and Trish tugs at his collar for him to turn around*
Trish: Hey, maybe if you're good out there tonight then um, I'll be good to you...tonight.
*Jericho smiles and begins to leave again but Trish pulls at his shirt and then kisses him on his left cheek*
I had a whopper in my lap awhile ago.
- JR means he had Fernando on his lap awhile ago -
Jericho: Hey Eric, sorry to interrupt but it's quite a coincidence Trish Stratus in a bra & panties match tonight. Is that really what this show needs? I mean, think about it, Trish is a four time ex women's champion, she's a very accomplished wrestler. Do you really want that?
Eric: Chris, is that what this is really all about? Or is it because you're really falling for her aren't you?
Jericho: Am not.
Eric: You are too.
Jericho: I am not.
Eric: You dog, I can see it all over your face.
Jericho: I'm not falling for Trish Stratus, I'm just trying to make this a better show.
*Trish has just won the Bra & Panties match and Jericho is waiting for her to arrive backstage*
Jericho: Congratulations, great job. I knew you were gonna win.
Trish: Thank you.
Jericho: So I gotta have my match, are we still on for tonight?
Trish: I don't know Chris, it depends on you. It all depends on you.
Have you ever heard of the horizontal mambo?
- King -
Raw 21 November
Jericho: I don't care what you Tex-as clowns think
anyways.
King: Get it - Tex-as.
King: You do admit that Lita is hot, don’t you JR?
JR: A very attractive young woman.
King: She’s not very attractive, she’s hot.
JR: Very handsome.
King: Handsome?
JR: Look at her face.
King: I'm still looking at her
legs. I'll get to her face in a little while.
- About Stacy -
King: Why didn't you call that a cheap shot by D'von on
Steiner?
JR: It was a cheap shot by D'von
on Steiner.
King: Good call.
Rico’s got more bumps tonight than Val has in one of his movies. This is unbelievable.
- King -
Jericho: Hey Trish. There you are. I've been looking for you. Listen, I
was wondering, I know there's a place down here, a restaurant that's
got the best food. I want to know if you want to come with me again like
last week?
Trish: You know what? I want you
to explain something to me.
Jericho: What?
Trish: I wanna
know why I just saw my friend get her heart broken. I wanna know why,
why did you set up my friend like that; Lita; you and Matt setting her
up.
Jericho: What are you talking
about? What do you mean? What are you talking about, set
up?
Trish: What? I just watched you out there. I saw you propose this match. I see Lita with her heart broken. I'm disgusted by these actions. I don't understand what I just saw out there Chris.
Jericho: I didn't do...what do
you mean?
Trish: What do I mean Chris? The
Chris I'm watching out there is not the Chris that I spent time with and it’s not the Chris that I want to get to know. This Chris I don’t want to get to know at all. I don’t wanna spend anymore time with this Chris.
Jericho: Hold on a second Trish. I don’t know where you got this idea from but I didn’t have anything to do with Lita getting…
Trish: I saw you propose this match.
Jericho: I thought Matt was going to propose to her. That’s why I put it all together. I mean, c’mon I wouldn’t disrespect Lita like that, I know she’s your friend. And if I disrespect her its disrespecting you Trish and I don’t want to do that. C’mon, how much fun did we have last week when we went out?
Trish: I know, that’s why I’m blown away by this.
Jericho: How much fun do we have whenever we talk?
Trish: I know.
Jericho: I mean, you know, you feel the chemistry. There’s a connection between us Trish. I don’t want to jeopardise that for anything. I can’t stop thinking about you. Night and day. All the time. I can’t stop thinking about you no matter what I do. I don’t want that to stop.
*Jericho and Trish look at each other for a few moments and then they kiss*
Survivor Series 17 November
Well, I'm a giant whistle so go ahead and blow me.
- John Cena -
King: Look at Molly's facial expression. Look at that mouth. She's intense. I'm liking that.
JR: I never heard you talk about a women's mouth before.
King: What? Where've you been hanging out? Of course I do.
You can't keep a good Lita down, can you?
- King -
Here's a guy that should volunteer for enema research.
JR about Coach -
That was like the unstoppable force hitting the immovable object.
- King on Bubba running into Mark Henry -
And you ain't gonna hear Stone Cold Steve Austin say this a whole lot
but I'll go on the record as saying 'I love the shit outta you guys'.
- Stone Cold to the crowd after losing his job -
Raw 14 November
That'll knock a log loose.
- King on RVD doing a frog splash -
Look at the physique on this kid.
No wonder he's cocky.
- King about Randy Orton -
Jericho: Trish.
Trish: Hey.
Jericho: Hey, how you doin?
Trish: I'm doing okay, how are you? What was all that?
Jericho: You saw that huh?
Trish: Yeah.
Jericho: I'm sorry, I've got to apologise for that. I'm just stressed out over the Survivor Series match. You know, I'm all freaked out. Even tonight, Orton lost his match, Christian lost his match. I'm on the edge and I'm just not myself and I just, I'm sorry you had to see that.
Trish: It's alright. I understand.
Jericho: I appreciate that and I appreciate the fact that I got a chance to tell you about this and vent to you as well. It means alot to me.
Trish: Oh, no problem. Anytime you want to talk.
Jericho: Anytime huh? Anytime I want to talk, really? Anytime?
Trish: Yeah.
Jericho: Okay, Trish there's something I want to ask you.
Trish: Okay.
Jericho: I just really enjoyed the time that we spent talking over the last couple of weeks and I just want to know maybe at some time if you'd like to go out and grab a bite or get a drink or...
Trish: So are you asking me on a date?
Jericho: Yeah, I guess I am asking you on a date Trish.
Trish: Well, I would love to go on a date with you.
Jericho: Really?
Trish: Yeah. If we had some time it would be fun.
Jericho: It would be a blast.
Trish: Yeah.
Jericho: How about tonight after the show?
Trish: Okay, yeah. Okay.
Jericho: This is great Trish. After I'm finished with my match with Booker T I'm gonna find you.
Trish: Okay, well I'll be here. Like, not 'here' but you know, yeah. Good luck and I'll see you later.
Jericho: I'll see you later.
Coach is about as obnoxious as a rash.
- JR about Coach -
Maybe it's a Canadian thing.
- JR on Trish and Jericho's relationship -
Do you think this will effect his date with Trish?
She might not want to go out with a loser.
- King after Jericho lost his match to Booker T -
Raw 7 November
Stone Cold stands for two things. One – Don’t trust anybody and
Two – When in doubt, whoop as much ass & raise as much hell as humanly possible.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin -
Every single time I get in this ring I’m standing in my living room and this is my house.
- Stone Cold -
If you think Eric Bischoff has ass whoopin written all over him after this match,
don’t just give me a hell yeah, put your middle fingers in the air.
- Stone Cold to the crowd -
Jericho: Hey.
Trish: Hey.
Jericho: I’m doing great. I’ve been looking for you all day.
Trish: You were?
Jericho: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about your tag team match tonight.
Trish: Oh yeah, what about it?
Jericho: First of all, did you get my voice messages from last week?
Trish: Yes I did, thank you. They were sweet.
Jericho: Oh good. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind me calling you.
Trish: No, that’s cool.
Jericho: I didn’t have your number so I just asked around and talked to a couple of people and just wanted to try and get…
Trish: Chris, you could have asked me for my number. I would have given it to you.
Jericho: Really?
Trish: Yeah. You know, we talk and like whatever, do things....so ahh, about my match?
Jericho: Yeah, so you have a match tonight with John Heidenreich. He's your partner. Are you sure that everything's okay with this?
Trish: Yeah, yeah I'm looking forward to it.
Jericho: Okay, because what do we really know about John Heidenreich?
Trish: What do you mean?
Jericho: Well, he shows up on Raw and wins his match and gets a contract and now he's your tag team partner.
Trish: Yeah, its a good thing.
Jericho: It's a good thing except for the fact he's a little bit wonky.
Trish: What do you mean?
Jericho: Well, the way he keeps talking about his little Johnny.
Trish: Oh yes.
Jericho: What is this?
Trish: I know, he does talk about little Johnny. I talked to him today, he's really cool. And actually, we were back there and he showed me 'little Johnny' so you know...
Jericho: He showed you what?
Trish: Yeah, in the back.
Jericho: He showed you little...
*John Heidenreich walks up to Trish*
Trish: Hey John.
John: Hey Trish. Our tag match is up next. We really need to be going.
Trish: Ok, I'll be right there.
*John walks off*
Trish: So, you know what, maybe we'll talk later. I gotta go okay, maybe we'll talk later.
Jericho: Okay Trish. Bye. Pervert Heidenreich.
JR: Jericho, seemingly into this match obviously.
King: I think he’s obviously pulling for Trish Stratus.
JR: What else would he be pulling? Like you said, Jericho, for whatever reason is smitten with Trish. Now I know there’s a lot of reasons you could go into, but I just don’t see their personalities meshing, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
King: The King of Bling Bling has a lot to offer a pretty young lady like Trish Stratus.
~ October ~
Raw 31 October
King: Of course, Bischoff’s never in a good mood is he?
JR: I’ve never seen him in a good mood.
Lita: Chris Jericho called you, didn’t he?
Trish: Yes, Chris Jericho did call me. He was actually just calling to say good luck for tonight. It was kinda nice.
Lita: Look, kinda nice. Chris Jericho comes in and saves you one week, Christian comes in and saves me. I don’t know, I’ve known those guys for awhile and I just feel like they’re up to something. So how about this, I’m gonna go see what I can find out.
Trish: Lita, let me know what you find out.
JR: The martial arts expert and former Las Vegas cop, Rico.
King: Former Las Vegas cop? What is he now? I can’t tell.
Van Dam-nit.
- Chris Jericho cursing RVD -
Lita: Christian.
Christian: Oh hey Lita. I heard you were looking for me. What’s going on?
Lita: Yeah, I was looking for you. I’m trying to figure out what’s going on. Were you trying to one up Jericho by coming in and making the save for me last week?
Christian: Are you serious?
Lita: Yeah. Well what was the idea behind that?
Christian: Listen, I’m gonna start off here right now okay. I was reading through your book and I came across this. Listen, now I know its not such common knowledge that we used to be such good friends but here you put it in the book right here in black and white, you and I holding hands so I figured ‘Hey, why hide it anymore?’
Lita: Look Christian, I think you’re getting the wrong idea and that was a long time ago and there was history.
I saw a French army rifle advertised for sale on Ebay.
It said “Never shot and only been dropped once.”
- King -
Why are girls always like parking spaces?
The good ones are always taken.
- King -
You can’t drop from that height down to the floor JR.
You’ll break both your ankles…and you’re legs.
- King referring to jumping from the top of a steel cage -
Smackdown 25 October
You don’t cross the boss.
You don’t give grief to the head chief.
Wait a minute, but you do have sex with the man who signs your cheques.
Oh yeah, I’m on fire tonight.
- Vince McMahon, who directed the cheque part to Sable -
Cole: Paul Heyman is your boss again.
Tazz: Thanks for reminding me.
Raw 24 October
Look at Stacy Keibler, JR.
Her legs are so long the stockings won’t even go all the way to the top.
Wooo, is that hot for what?
- King about Stacy -
Next time I tell you to fetch something, it better be a lot quicker than that.
- Test to Stacy after she ‘fetched’ the mic -
Hopefully from that stunner last week, you learned a valuable lesson.
Just to see if you learned a valuable lesson, allow me to quiz you.
When Stone Cold Steve Austin offers you a beer in the middle of this ring, you
a) respectfully decline
b) you ignore him and walk away or
c) you drink your ass off until you pass out.
So I guess the question is, which one is it?
- Stone Cold quizzes Stacy -
Test: I bet everybody in here would like to see Stone Cold beat up a crippled man.
King: Some people would.
Stone Cold: I’d love to beat up a crippled man.
There’s beer coming out her bellybutton.
- King about Stacy, who was having a few beers with Austin -
JR: The charismatic Lance Storm. He’s one hell of an athlete in all seriousness.
King: So, you weren’t being serious when you said he was charismatic?
JR: I had a haircut like that in the nineth grade.
King: Now I know why you’re a Lance Storm fan, you love his haircut.
JR: Well, I don’t mind it.
King: I like Jericho’s hair.
Chris Jericho: Hello Trish!
Trish Stratus: Hey Chris.
Chris Jericho: No no no no, what I did last week is no big deal. When the King of Bling Bling sees a gorgeous damsel in distress, of course the sexy beast such as myself…
Trish Stratus: Chris Chris Chris. You don’t have to be Chris Jericho here. I know you went down there trying to prove a point to Austin and I get that you’re trying to show him how to treat a lady with respect but I just, all that aside, I just want to say that I really appreciate what you did for me. I just wanted to say Thank you.
Chris Jericho: Really? I’m glad you feel that way Trish but just so you know all that stuff last week wasn’t about Austin. I really do respect you and I just thought I could help.
King: What is this Maven trying to do? Look at him.
JR: Win. Beat Flair. Win the biggest match of his life.
King: Bounties are legal, aren’t they?
JR: Well, apparently so in the WWE.
Smackdown 18 October
And yes its true, I’m obsessed with other men’s balls. Word!
- Kurt Angle pretending to be John Cena -
Kurt Angle at No Mercy
You ain’t got no chance
Cause I’m gonna beat you up
And then do my dance.
- Kurt Angle raps pretending to be John Cena -
Tazz: Look at this little SOB. I love midgets Cole.
Cole: He sort of looks like Kurt.
Tazz: Why, cause he’s bald?
Kurt must have a cramp. The real Kurt.
- Tazz on Kurt walking like John Cena -
How can Rhyno be a possum, that’s kind of weird.
- Tazz -
The novelty act.
- Matt Hardy about Zach Gowen -
Raw 17 October
Now I don’t wanna be redundant and repeat myself but Stone Cold
Steve Austin has gone Stone Cold crazy and all the sheep in the
back have been following his lead especially that assclown, Shane McMahon.
- Chris Jericho -
Flair is getting more deranged by the day.
- JR -
Stone Cold Steve Austin: I saw what you just did out there for Trish. You trying to be some kinda big hero or is there maybe something going on between you two that I don’t know about?
Chris Jericho: Trying to be the hero huh Steve? Well, you just saw what’s called doing the right thing. Unlike you. I saw what you did earlier, stunning Stacy Keibler, oooh you’re a tough man Steve. You’re a disgrace, you’re dispicable just like I say over and over again. And as far as what you just saw with Trish, that’s called treating a lady with respect, something I don’t think you know anything about, now do you Steve?
Stone Cold Steve Austin: Really?
Chris Jericho: Yeah, really.
Smackdown 11 October
Kurt Angle wants to call me out on a Battle Rap
He’s got as much street cred as Michael Cole
Yo, get that turdburgler Kurt Angle’s music, get him out here
I’m about to make him look foolish.
- John Cena before the Battle Rap against Kurt -
You want a battle
I refuse to get ripped
You little bitch
You couldn’t wrap a Christmas gift
You’re not all American Kurt
You wore out the gimmick
You couldn’t win a bronze medal
In the special Olympics
I’m the dirty America
Look in my eyes, I’m right here
You’re the American dream
I’m America’s nightmare
I’m just a punk pissing off more people than prank calls
Hope you got your three I’s Kurt
Cause you got no balls
And when God was handing out brains
It’s obvious you didn’t get none
I’m usually throwing up two fingers
But you’re special, you only get one
So hit this cat’s music
So the fans can say ‘You suck’ too
This finger doesn’t mean you’re number one Kurt
It means I’m saying…
- John Cena’s Battle Rap until it got cut short by Kurt interrupting --
There once was a kid who liked to talk a lot of smack
He’s actually whiter than me but he thinks he’s black
And the kid thinks that he’s the king of talking trash
Until one day he bumped heads with the king of kicking ass
He had a secret weapon
He liked to use a steel chain
I’ll shove it straight up your ass if you try to use it again
He can’t run, he can’t hide
It doesn’t even matter if he’s rappin
Because at No Mercy when I get my hands on him
His bitch ass will be tappin.
Shannon Moore is the number one pupil of the sensei of Mattitude.
- Matt Hardy -
Raw 10 October
Chris Jericho: Oh you can boo all you want to but this is not a one man personal vendetta of Chris Jericho’s, no. Cause I’ve unmasked a number of WWE superstars who are here tonight to give their very own personal testimonials to how Austin has ruined their careers and their lives as well. So I want to call forward my first witness, Jonathan Coachman.
King: What? I thought he said he had WWE superstars? He’s just Coach.
He had the audacity to call me; me, he called me a creepy little bastard.
And I know what you’re trying to do Stone Cold,
you’re trying to turn the peepulation against me.
You want them to start chanting CLB, CLB, CLB.
These people love me and its not gonna work.
- Christian -
Nothing unusual for Jericho to strike from behind.
- JR -
I’ve had more World Championships than you’ve had women.
- Ric Flair to Maven -
King: How many women do you think Maven’s had?
JR: I don’t know.
Smackdown 4 October
Michael Cole: Yeah, the orange sunglasses make you normal.
Tazz: I’m wearing sunglasses? I didn’t know that.
Sable, this is a conversation between me and my father so why don’t you go
do what you do best, go back in the men’s locker room and lay flat on your back.
- Stephanie McMahon -
It’s time for John Cena to step up tonight and break through
Everytime you people see me it should be a freakin pay per view
I’m the reason you watch this show
Everybody else is just a fill-in
I’m the dude who makes it o-kay to root for the villain
All these other cats, all they do is ruin the mood
It’s like making out with a hot chick and finding out she’s a dude.
- John Cena -
Raw 3 October
I don’t know what makes me more sick;
all of you or my guest tonight.
- Jericho doesn’t know if JR or the crowd makes him more sick -
Careful son, that’s my drinking arm…that’s my other drinking arm.
- Stone Cold when the security guards tried escorting him out of the ring -
Of all places a medical facility, he attacks him again after that brutal match at Unforgiven.
But I gotta tell you Coach, that’s the greatest hospital footage
I’ve ever seen and I watch all the daytime soaps.
- Al Snow about Kane beating up Shane McMahon -
He’s a hell of an athlete but he’s just stuck with a really bad name.
I tried to get him to change it.
- Al Snow about Mark Jindrak -
JR is not a wrestler, he’s a commentator.
He’s been commentating for almost 30 years.
He started in Oklahoma and if you
couldn’t tell, he’s a fan of Oklahoma.
What the hell is a ‘sooner’ anyways Al?
I’d like to see JR lose ‘sooner’ than later if you know what I mean.
- Chris Jericho -
Did you hear the commentary from Al Snow and Coach on those highlights?
Al Snow – “Ohhh, he’s got a ladder.” Duh.
If stupidity were a sport, they’d be world champions, wouldn’t they?
- King -
King: I don’t have a high threshold of pain.
JR: I don’t either.
King: I cry when I brush my teeth.
I bet when he was a kid he had one of those chutes and ladders games.
He knows everything to do with a ladder.
- King about RVD -
~ September ~
Raw 23 September
There’s only a few things in this life that make me happy.
That’s drinking beer, four letter words, middle fingers,
drinking more beer and the United States Armed Forces.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin -
I’ll drink to that.
- Stone Cold on Goldberg becoming the World Heavyweight champion at Unforgiven -
Christian really is at home around a ladder.
- Coach -
Stone Cold Steve Austin: Who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can’t do CLB?
Christian: What the hell is CLB? What does that mean?
Stone Cold Steve Austin: What do you think it means?
Christian: Christian Likes Blondes, that’s what it means.
Stone Cold Steve Austin: No, that’s not what it means. CLB – Creepy Little Bastard.
Christian: You’re calling me a creep…I’m not a creepy little bastard.
Chris Jericho: I know creepy, he’s not creepy.
Stone Cold Steve Austin: He’s creepy, he’s making my skin crawl right now. You make me sick.
Is there any truth that The Rock just slap your
lips off right now for asking such a stupid question?
- The Rock to Mark Lloyd -
Mark Lloyd; camera’s go off; he goes back to his hotel room and
you rub banana’s all over yourself and you go suck on orangutang nipples.
- The Rock making fun of Mark Lloyd again -
That arena needs some electrifying. You feel that electricity, don’t you Mark?
You feel it? No, you feel a bunch of banana’s shoved up your bunghole, is what you
feel and you better not beep The Rock cause you can say bunghole, it’s a very funny word.
- The Rock -
Unforgiven 22 September
We’ve got fans in Australia joining us and they’re a great bunch Down Under.
- JR -
Whassup is coming down.
- King -
If that skirt were any shorter, it’d be a collar.
- King about the skirt Stacy was wearing –
I don’t think you could ever kill Moolah.
Its like if you have World War III and a nuclear war,
the only thing that would survive are cockroaches and Moolah.
- King -
Who in the hell would want to referee this match?
- JR about the Last Man Standing match between Kane and Shane O’Mac -
JR: Did that count seem slow? It did to me.
King: Well, Nick Patrick has never been the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Its only cheating if you get caught.
- King -
Raw 16 September
You can put your little sign down because I’m tired of dealing with you,
you little creepy bastard. You sit here, you piss, you moan, you whine, you complain.
- Stone Cold to Christian -
Oh no, the peeps are gonna hate this.
Christian just screwed himself.
- King on Christian attacking Jericho and RVD during the contenders match for Intercontinental title -
King: Let me ask you this; when Eric Bischoff dies, do you think the mourners will outnumber the cheering section?
JR: No doubt about it.
JR: She’s 80 years old and is going to have a wrestling match in her hometown.
King: Is that why it took her so long to get out here JR?
Stone Cold: In case you’re wondering how Lita got back in the building, its cause good ol Stone Cold Steve Austin hired Lita back.
Eric Bischoff: Oh, is that right?
Stone Cold: That’s right.
Gail Kim: I can’t believe I slept with the wrong co-GM.
Stone Cold: Come again?
Gail Kim: That’s ok, didn’t the first time.
Eric Bischoff: Hey….hey.
Maybe you’ll call a hold. Do you know any holds?
- JR to Coach -
I wasn’t aware that Goldberg made microphones and they don’t work well either.
- Triple H after having some trouble with his microphone -
Smackdown 13 September
You tapped out.
- The crowd to Brock Lesnar about when he tapped out to Kurt Angle at SummerSlam -
Stephanie McMahon: I was saying, isn’t Brock Lesnar the guy who tapped out to Kurt Angle?
Brock Lesnar: Ahahahaha. Wrong, wrong. See, Brock Lesnar is the guy that’s gonna beat Kurt Angle next week in the Ironman match and that will declare me the new three time WWE champion.
Vince McMahon: Hey hey hey. You understand this is my daughter you’re talking to?
Brock Lesnar: Oh yeah, yeah.
Vince McMahon: Just checking.
Brock Lesnar: Yeah, yeah, it’s a good idea. Yeah, yeah, me and her. It’s a hell of a challenge…for me.
Vince McMahon: Let me think about this for a moment. Don’t just dismiss it right away. Think about the Box Office, think about the ratings. Brock Lesnar vs Stephanie McMahon.
Big Show: Its money in the bank.
Vince McMahon: That’s big.
Bradshaw: Bruce, Bruce, cold beer for everybody.
Bruce: Yes sir.
Matt Hardy: That’s insulting the way you guys treat Bruce. I can’t believe you’d take a lesser man, a lesser value and turn him into a virtual servant. Its an outrage.
*Shannon Moore comes running up to the group in the APA office*
Shannon Moore: Hey man. I’ve been to seven different stores. I’ve been to seven different blocks.
Matt Hardy: Yeah, did you get it?
Shannon Moore: But I got the orange juice that you wanted…without the pulp.
Matt Hardy: Damnit, it was supposed to have extra pulp. Don’t you know that was a Matt Fact a couple of months ago? Matt loves extra pulp in his orange juice.
Farooq: Hey, I’ll be damned. What the hell is going on? This is the pot calling the kettle black.
Bruce: Who’s he calling black?
Matt Hardy: I mean, you two degrade Bruce. I’m upgrading Shannon. He’s in a seven step program known as Mattitude. You two oughta think about checking into a twelve step program known as Alcoholics Anonymous.
Bradshaw: You need to check into a two step program to get him (Shannon) out of your (Matt’s) ass.
Matt Hardy: Well since we’re talking about all this steppin, why don’t you two step into the ring and I’ll show you that Shannon is a little more than a servant.
I'm a Jedi Knight
I was a stunt double for Anakin
I fight with my light saber
His is for backdoor shenanigans
You got no hydraulics in your car
You got a sexual sickness
His car bounces up and down
Because he sits on his stick shift.
- John Cena about Eddie before their Parking Lot Brawl -
That'll definitely leave a mark. A big ass mark.
- Tazz on John Cena vertical suplexing Eddie onto a car -
Raw 9 September
Well, Kane made a new door.
He made a door with Rob Van Dam.
- King about Kane slamming RVD in the cage,
which gave way and Rob fell to the floor outside the ring -
How did he get out here so quick?
- King on Bischoff coming out to say RVD didn’t win the Cage match -
JR: Its obvious that Goldust is trying to instil some personality; some charisma in the athletically gifted Lance Storm.
King: Is it working?
JR: I don’t know yet.
JR: Rico, the…uh flamboyant Rico.
King: Flamboyant; yeah I guess that’s a good word.
JR: That’s one way of putting it.
King: Emphasis on the ‘flam’.
King: Oh, there he is.
JR: Mr Personality.
- On Eric Bischoff -
Does she have to have a gun permit to carry those ‘38’s?
- King about Jacqui -
Excuse these shorts for being so tight,
I’ve been on a high cholesterol, high alcohol diet.
And I ain’t lost too many pounds.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin to the crowd -
Over the weekend I did a little thinking and I met with my cabinet.
More specifically, my liquor cabinet.
- Stone Cold -
JR: Christian has got rectal cranium inversion.
King: What?
JR: He’s a total ass sometimes.
King: That’s not contagious is it?
JR: I don’t think so.
Excuse me, Intercontinental champion over here.
- Christian hates being ignored -
Bill Goldberg is like, well quite frankly he’s like this can of YJ Stinger.
You see you look at it, its got a cool image, its got slick marketing but the
difference between the two is when you drink the YJ Stinger the product delivers.
All Goldberg does is give you gas.
- Triple H -
Did you know that the commercials get higher ratings than Coach and Al Snow?
- King about ratings during Sunday Night Heat -
Smackdown 6 September
If you’re gonna cheat, cheat all the way.
- Tazz -
Raw 2 September
Everybody here knows I am the MVP of Raw.
- Chris Jericho -
King: Do you think Trish Stratus has a VCR?
JR: What? A video recorder?
King: No, VCR JR. A Very Cute Rear. I think she does.
Oh, you think I’m a joke. Well how about I get in
that ring and show you just how funny I can be.
- Eric Bischoff to Shane McMahon -
~ August ~
Raw 26 August
King: Oh yeah, there it is, all of Evolution.
JR: The world’s heavyweight champion, Triple H; Randy Orton; the legendary Ric Flair. Everybody’s here but the sledgehammer.
JR: There’s just something between her beautiful ears that just doesn’t quite connect the dots.
King: JR, you’re saying she’s got a full six-pack but she just lacks that little plastic thing that holds it together.
- On Gail Kim -
Rob Conway: I’m Rob Conway.
King: Well good for you.
Tables are as American as apple pie.
- King -
Chris Jericho: This man is your father asshole.
Shane McMahon: No Chris, that asshole happens to be my father.
JR: Have you ever had problems with Coach?
King: Yeah, I had to work with him all those weeks.
Summerslam 25 August
Thanks to fine_chick2290 for the following quote
It looks like a rainbow trout.
- Michael Cole about Eddie Guerrero’s lowrider -
Smackdown 23 August
We just saw Brock Lesnar break Zach Gowen’s good leg.
Well, I guess Zach should cut his losses and learn to walk on wooden pegs.
- John Cena -
The only time you people look good is at night during a blackout.
- John Cena about the Detroit crowd -
And please read between the lines because I’m giving you the middle finger.
Detroit’s got more white trash than Jerry Springer.
- John Cena -
Raw 19 August
These two can't get along.
- King on Jericho and Shawn Michaels -
Ric Flair: We can turn a table just like that. *snaps fingers*
Stone Cold Steve Austin: Can you? Three against one? Just like you like to gang up on people, right?
Goldust: Lance, you want to know what the key to not being boring is?
Lance Storm: Yes.
Goldust: Its being unpredictable. Now what’s the most spontaneous thing that you’ve ever done?
Lance Storm: Well, there was this one time…
Goldust: Yeah.
Lance Storm: I watched this video…
Goldust: Really?
Lance Storm: And I returned it without rewinding.
Goldust: Oh my god., what is wrong with you?
King: Why is it you want to see Jericho get his head shaved? You said some pretty bad things about his hair.
JR: Because I think he is an arrogant jackass.
King: You said your cat has coughed up better looking hair than Jericho’s. That’s not true.
JR: Its about five different colours.
Christian, on the other hand is the kind of guy that'll
steal your eyes and tell you you look better without them.
He's a con man. He's sort of like Test.
- JR -
Look at Rob Van Dam, he looks like a cat.
- King -
Smackdown 16 August
Vince McMahon: Tonight I have the honour of introducing someone to you who you really don’t know.
Crowd: Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole…
Vince McMahon: That’s not his name.
Cole: She’s taller than you.
Tazz: Who isn’t?
- Cole states the obvious about Shaniqua -
*Chris Benoit taps his hand on the desk while sitting next to Eddie Guerrero*
Eddie Guerrero: Why are you banging on that for? You trying to send morse code or something?
Chris Benoit: Eddie, I know you love tapping. You’re very good at it.
You still good for two things and one is being a waste of space.
The other is being a perfect partner in a three-legged race.
- John Cena to Zach Gowen -
Why take it outside, let's do it right here.
- Spanky before his chocolate syrup challenge -
Vince McMahon: You’re like a stain yourself in a way. You’re like a stain in the underwear of life. Who the hell are you anyway? What’s your name?
Spanky: Are you serious Vince? My name is Brian Kendrick. I’ve been working here for almost a year. You’ve been paying my paychecks.
Vince McMahon: I don’t give a damn. You’re gonna pay for my jacket kid.
Spanky: You remember earlier you were talking about bad investments, like your marriage. I can think of one that might be a little bit worse. It was called the XFL, was that it Vince?
Raw 12 August
Coach: I'm very impressed with Stacy Keibler in the ring here tonight, King.
King: I think Scott Steiner has been showing her a thing or two...in the ring.
King: Look at Rico giving everybody the eye. Would that be the queer eye for the straight guy? Wait, don't ever call Rico queer.
Coach: You did.
King: I know and he hit me with his purse.
Coach: Now, Stacy Keibler, you can see the anguish on her face.
King: And you can see the excitement in Rico's pants.
Lance Storm (to Molly): Greetings. It's splendid to see you.
Goldust: Cue card. Get the cue card.
Lance Storm: Congratulations on your huge ass-ass-ass-ass-ass-ass
*Molly slaps Lance in the face because she thought he was insulting her and then she walks off*
Goldust: God almighty.
Lance Storm: Ascention in the Women's division...
Now come on, we've got hot dogs out there,
we've got kielbasa's and we've got sausages and midgets,
all waiting in the car just for you. Lets go.
- Goldust to Lance after his failure in talking to Molly -
I love it when she does the Matrix move and a chick kick to boot.
Speaking of boots, Trish has always got one for Molly Holly.
- King -
What about that outfit Rosey's got? It looks like an unmade bed.
Where'd he get that? A guy at the carnival couldn't guess his weight or something?
He's still taller than Jericho sitting down.
- King about Kevin Nash -
Chris Jericho: I am a huge rock star. Look how cool I look with this long hair. Look at it, check it out. Look how sexy I am with my hair. Look at the body, look at the shine. Watch how it cascades around my face and I flick it to and fro. Check it out.
King: He definitely conditions.
JR: What the hell’s cascade mean?
Chris Jericho: I should be in a damn shampoo commercial.
If I lose my weeds then I lose my mojo and
then I can’t be the sexy beast that you need me to be.
- Chris Jericho hopes he doesn’t get his hair shaved -
What have you got to say about that, Nash-hole?
- Chris Jericho to Kevin Nash -
Smackdown 9 August
I still consider Brock my friend.
A big, angry, stupid friend sometimes, but a friend nontheless.
- Kurt Angle is still friends with Brock even though he F5’ed him -
Look at that one. That’s the best Matt Fact ever.
- Tazz after seeing that Matt is a better commentator than Michael Cole -
Zach Gowen hit me in the face and all Mattitude was doing was defending himself.
I’m sure if someone hit you in the face, you would
cower away and run like the little girl that you are.
- Matt Hardy to Michael Cole -
I’ve got more moves than a moonsault.
Yeah, he’s only got one move.
- Shannon Moore states Zach Gowen only has one move – a moonsault -
I think Jamie likes two on ones.
- Tazz -
Raw 5 August
Let me make it very clear to you,
I think that you are nothing more than a parasite.
You disgust me.
- Shane McMahon to Eric Bischoff -
Eric: I can control my emotions. But be careful Shane, be very, very careful because if you’re not, I’ve got two words for you…
Crowd: Suck it.
Eric: Black belt.
King: You should of heard the smack La Resistance have been talking all week long about the Dudleyz and in French by the way.
Coach: How did you understand it?
King: You know, they were talking about the Dudleyz family tree being full of nuts and inferior DNA and that sort of thing.
What the hell is a wanker?
Is that supposed to be an insult?
- Sylvan Grenier to the Melbourne crowd at Ruthless Aggression -
Everyone was very boisterous and very excited
to see us so it makes it all worthwhile.
- Chris Jericho (?) on the Australian crowd that came to see WWE at RA -
Thumbs up to Australia, mate.
- Chris Jericho (in an Australian accent) -
Coach: King, is this your favourite part of the week?
King: Yes, of course it is.
- About Stacy entering the ring -
Stacy looks like she had a great time at the zoo.
- Coach -
Coach: Have you ever seen a kid so young that is so cocky and confident in what he can do as Randy Orton?
King: Yeah, he reminds me of me years ago.
Coach: Well, but you’ve never changed, hopefully Randy Orton will.
Christian: And you, what makes you think you have what it takes to be able to beat me tonight huh? Why don’t you ask Booker T what that’s like? Hey Booker T. Where you at sucka? Oh, he’s not here. I left him in a heap of his own dreadlocks in Australia. So what you got that makes you think yo can beat me and the peeps tonight?
The Hurricane: I got my hurri-powers biotch!
Is that why the fans don’t like you Coach? Are you too cocky?
- King -
King: You didn’t answer my question.
Coach: I’m not going to. I’m trying to ignore you.
He always looks angry. He’s a monster.
- King about Kane -
Triple H: Coach, do you mind massaging my groin a bit?
King: Coach, did you hear what Triple H said?
Coach: I heard. I’m not gonna massage his groin. I appreciate the offer though, I really do.
Triple H: It may be the best offer you’ve ever had.
Look at Triple H, he’s beside himself.
- King on Triple H’s reaction to the Elimination chamber match at Summerslam -
Canada has sometimes proved that evolution can go in reverse.
- King -
King: Why don’t you care Coach?
Coach: I care a lot about things and a lot of people, that goes without saying.
King: What do you mean ‘it goes without saying’? It does not go without saying. Nothing goes without saying. That’s why you and I are out here. If things went without saying, you wouldn’t even have a job Coach.
King: You know what I’m hoping?
Coach: What?
King: I’m actually hoping that JR doesn’t come back next week.
Coach: Why's that?
King: Well, so I can listen to some more of your little trite comments like rubber legs galore and 110%.
Smackdown 2 August
EMT: How many fingers have I got up. *holds up three fingers*
Eddie Guerrero: I can’t see man. I can’t wrestle. Would you tell him that I can’t see the three fingers he’s holding up.
- After Eddie gets green mist in his eyes he complains he can’t wrestle because he can’t see -
Tazz: I love guys who lie, cheat and steal…and girls.
Cole: Yeah, what a shock.
~ July ~
Raw 29 July
King: Rico is resilient. What kind of makeup do you think he uses?
Coach: I don’t know. I don’t know about women’s makeup. You tell me.
King: You telling me he wears women’s makeup?
Coach: Well, is there any other kind?
King: Of course, there’s other kinds of makeup.
Coach: Well, there’s like clown makeup, stuff like that.
King: Is that what Janet puts on you before the show?
Always kick a man when he's down.
Best time to kick him.
- King -
Coach: He believes he is the Highlight of the Night, the King of the World, the King of Bling Bing, whatever the heck he says, he believes it.
King: It's Bling Bling.
Coach: I said Bling Bling.
King: No, you said Bling Bing.
King: You gotta be highly confident to call yourself a King. Take my word for it.
Coach: Yeah, what's your excuse?
Legend killer...along with being a lady killer because you are a sexy beast my friend.
- Chris Jericho to Randy Orton -
Shawn Michaels (to Randy Orton): So you're gonna be the man to kill of the legend of HBK? Man, if I had a nickel for every stiff that walked into this company over the last 16 years and said he was gonna do that to me, woah, I would be a millionaire. Woah woah woah, wait a minute, I am a millionaire.
King: Thats alot of nickels.
Raw 22 July
Linda: (to Bischoff) I don’t like it when you put words in my mouth like that.
King: He didn’t mean to, I’m sure.
King: Yeah, you sound like you’re really concerned.
Coach: I’m very concerned.
King: About as sincere as Molly’s hair colour.
- King thinks Coach was not concerned about JR being burnt by Kane -
I’m in such a good mood, I feel like singin and dancin
I changed a couple words cause Hollywood really
isn’t all its cracked up to be. A little bit seedy. So here it is:
Hooray for Jericho. The King of Bling Bling is here.
Hooray for Jericho. Shawn Michaels gets beat tonight right here.
- Jericho sings this tune to Terri during an interview -
Stone Cold Steve Austin: I guess you’re gonna take Monday night Raw to new heights, just like you did WCW.
Eric Bischoff: You’re damn right.
Stone Cold Steve Austin: WCW went outta business.
Eric Bischoff: They were bought.
Stone Cold Steve Austin: Outta business.
Eric Bischoff: They were bought.
Stone Cold Steve Austin: Outta business. You need a punch in the damn mouth, sissy.
Coach: And Randy Orton has star written all over him.
King: Is that what those tattoos say?
He’s laughing, if you ask me that’s like whistling when you’re walking through the graveyard.
- King about Triple H -
You don’t have a genuine bone in your body.
- King to Coach -
Lets face it, you’re incompetent. At least compared to JR.
- King to Coach -
Here’s a bunch of #1’s.
- King about Evolution -
King: And now he’s talking trash.
Coach: Well, he’s very good at that.
King: It’s one thing to get your butt kicked but to have the guy that’s kicking your butt to talk to you while he’s doing it, you gotta hate that.
- About Jericho talking trash to Shawn Michaels --
I’ve always wanted to say mutha truckers on TV.
- King after telling us about a Raw sponsor ‘Mutha Truckers’ -
Raw 15 July
I’m still gonna whoop a man’s ass
and you look like the perfect victim.
- Stone Cold wants to whoop Eric, what else is new? -
I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile.
How can you not smile when your partner is Trish Stratus.
- King about Kevin Nash -
We have to look at those idiots instead of
seeing Stacy Keibler getting in and out of the ring?
- King about the camera focusing on Victoria, Steven Richards & Test -
Look at the looks on Stacy and Trish’s face.
If looks could kill, Test would be pushing up daisies.
- King -
I love the Matrix move.
- King after seeing Trish’s impressive ‘Matrix move’ -
You saying “slobberknocker” just won’t sound right.
- King to Coach -
Coach: You think everything Lance Storm does is boring, don’t you?
King: He couldn’t entertain a thought.
He’s thrown off the elbow pads.
He may exhibit a little bit of personality if we’re not careful.
- King about Lance Storm during a match -
What barber do you go to?
Because I don’t want to go there by mistake.
- King to Coach -
Not only is he boring, he’s on a losing streak.
- King about Storm -
He thinks Spike is #1.
- King after seeing Ric Flair stick his finger up at Spike -
I’ve got socks taller than Spike Dudley.
- King -
Spike gets tired walking through shag carpet.
- King never tires of Spike jokes -
Raw 8 July
I am better than Booker T.
- Christian -
What are you smiling about so big?
- King asks JR -
King: I heard he loves to go to the book stores and hang out in the self help section and hit on vulnerable women. Is that true?
JR: I have not heard that.
- What King thinks Mick Foley does at book signings -
I’m afraid the Hurricane just got downgraded to a tropical storm.
- King after Hurricane got beaten in a match -
You talk about pen coons, now who’s goofier than Kane lately?
- King to JR -
It sounds like you’re excited to see Canada’s greatest athlete.
- Jericho to the great reception he got from the crowd in Montreal -
What are you, Mr Canada?
- Shawn Michaels to Chris Jericho -
Do you know how devalued the Canadian dollar is here?
And to wrestle you in Montreal would be like wrestling you for free.
That’s why I moved to the United States in the first place.
- Jericho tells Shawn about the economy -
In 1997, Shawn said screw Bret Hart and in 2003, Jericho says screw Montreal.
- Jericho -
I think I see Paris
I see France
I think I see Trish’s underpants.
- King knows how to rhyme -
Raw 1 July
Your legs are off the hizzles, sister.
- Jericho to Stacy -
The way I see it little man, you have two choices. I stand here, looking as
only I can look or I can take that jiffy pop jumpsuit and shove it up your ass.
- Scott Steiner to Jericho -
Jericho: Not only am I a legend in the ring but I’ve been told I’m a legend in the sack as well, you know what I mean sister? Huh..c’mon?
Scott Steiner: Let me tell you the difference between me and you. See, I know a woman is like a peach and I love the sweet nectar of their juices especially the ones with the long stems, something…
Stacy: Chris, do you really think that you can compare with Freakzilla? Because I love what the big bad booty daddy does with my hips and my lips and the only legend that I’ve heard about you was how legendary small your penis is.
King: But it still works, I think.
I can’t let this kind of mayhem go on out here unless of course I’m creating it myself.
- Eric Bischoff comes out to interrupt the shambles that is the Highlight Reel -
Wake up JR. Lance Storm’s in the ring.
- King -
JR: Look at the look on Christian's face.
King: He don't know where he is, stop the match.
Jericho’s like one of those old washing machines. He’s an agitator.
- JR knows what he’s talking about -
This guys a jerk, he's a first class ass, a jackass to say the least.
- JR about Test -
Test wouldn’t know how to treat a woman like a lady.
- JR -
Well, dinosaurs oughta be extinct anyway.
- King referring to Mae Young -
There's her face. Yeah, you're right, she looks worried.
- King to JR's comment about him always looking at her legs and never noticing her face -
JR: You think that that’s erotic?
King: Where did that tickler go? That feather?
JR: I don’t know anything about ticklers.
King: Wait, stop. Talk to the hand.
- About the antics of Rico and Miss Jackie (Gayda) rubbing noses and Jackie and her feather -
Maven has got more class than Test.
- JR -
Spike just bought an ant farm as a second home last week.
- King joking about Spike yet again -
~ June ~
Raw 24 June
JR, you’re got a John Deere tractor that’s not built that good.
Look at that. And I’m not talking about Freakzilla either.
- King is actually talking about Stacy -
King: Boy, I can tell you’re obviously not one of Christian’s peeps are you?
JR: No, I’m not. I think he’s a great athlete. I think he could be a great Intercontinental champion. But his character has been checked at the door.
King: Well, whether you like him or not, he is the Intercontinental champion.
JR: At least for now.
King: And he does have his peeps.
JR: Yeah, there’s six or eight of them out there, I guess. They just don’t know any better.
Shut your stupid little hole.
If there’s one thing I can’t stand worse than a bore,
it’s a bitch and that’s exactly what you are right now.
- Stone Cold tells Jericho exactly what he thinks about him -
Look at him. He’s back there looking in that mirror. If he took that mask off, I bet his reflection would throw up. I’ve heard that his face is hideous. Its gruesome.
- King about the prospect of possibly seeing Kane’s face -
King: Its Vince McMahon!
JR: I know who the hell it is. Who the hell else would it be? Strutting out here like he owns the place.
King: He does own the place.
JR: Oh yeah, he does own the place.
Nothing will take the cockiness out of this young man.
- King about Randy Orton -
Raw 17 June
I’m surprised he’s walking here tonight.
I’ve never seen a referee take such a beating in all my life.
- King about Foley refereeing at Bad Blood -
Randy Orton: You see Mick, I don’t have to do what you did. I don’t have to sleep in my car.
King: BMW’s are comfortable to sleep in, you know.
Wait a minute, are my eyes deceiving me
or is Theodore Long wearing a white suit?
- King -
Kane, you’re hiding something.
It’s a lot more than that face
behind the mask too. You’ve changed.
- RVD to Kane -
Boring…boring…boring…boring.
You know Lance Storm, I ain’t slept in a couple of days so I figured
you’re so damn boring then maybe you could put old Stone Cold to sleep.
I was outside awhile ago and I was watching the grass grow and I was
watching the paint dry and I was so damn bored I said to myself “What can
be even more boring than this that can actually put Stone Cold Steve Austin to sleep?”
- Stone Cold interrupts Lance Storm’s match to tell him he’s boring -
Stone Cold (to Lance): Show me a facial expression. Show me some emotion, some attitude. There you go kid, do something. Boring...boring.
King: Well I think Lance Storm did have a charisma bypass somewhere along the line.
This is more boring than I thought it was gonna be.
I’m startin to get a little sleepy up here.
You don’t mind if I take a little nap do you? Oh I’m so tired.
You know what Lance? You’re better than a sleeping pill, kid.
- Stone Cold -
Everybody in the world is asleep because of Lance Storm.
Because Lance Storm, you are without a shadow of a
doubt the most boring son of a bitch I’ve ever seen.
- Stone Cold says it like it is to Lance Storm -
Boring Lance Storm got beat.
- King about Garrison Cade beating Lance Storm -
King: That’s why Christian is the Intercontinental champion.
JR: Yeah, he’s sneaky.
King: Sneaky? What do you mean?
JR: He’d steal your groceries right out of your refrigerator.
King: You’re talking about Booker T now.
JR: No, I’m talking about Christian.
It may be raining Rico, but its pouring Jackie Gayda.
She’s about to pour out of that top, isn’t she?
- King -
I don’t know if those puppies are outside trying
to get in or inside trying to get out.
JR: She’s hanging out of her britches.
King: She’s cheeky tonight, isn’t she?
- Once again, talking about Jackie -
Raw 10 June
King: This guy’s got a lot of guts.
JR: Oh yeah, he’s got a lot of guts and a steel chair in his hand.
King: Oh, I didn’t see the steel chair but you’re right. No wonder he’s got a lot of guts.
- About Chris Jericho coming out to watch Goldberg -
Its always about Eric Bischoff, ain’t it?
- Stone Cold Steven Austin -
You do like poontang pie I assume.
I mean, cause if you don’t we’re in trouble.
- Stone Cold to Eric -
*Trish Stratus and Ivory walk down the ramp to the ring*
JR: I know what you’re thinking.
King: I bet you don’t….I’m thinking about pie eating.
Jazz was a basketball star? She’s not that tall.
Danny Devito could beat her in a slam dunk contest.
- King -
Theodore Long: What’s up playas?
King: Oh now we’re playas again. I like that.
You really can’t stand Ivory just because of her name, huh?
- King to Theodore Long -
JR: I can’t believe you said Ivory’s white as soap.
Theodore Long: Have you ever bought Ivory soap?
King: 99% pure.
Raw 3 June
JR: I love the story of where Booker T has come from.
King: The gutter.
King: Puppies… (Jazz is shown on the screen) Rottweilers.
JR: Rottweiler puppies?
King: They’re different kind of puppies.
JR: They’re cute when they’re little.
King: Yeah…what?
King: I’ve got to remember that move. That was arousing, I mean interesting.
JR: You were right the first time, knowing you.
That’s like asking a snake that you picked up why he bit you.
- King -
You're gonna be my bitch.
- Ric Flair thinks HBK will be his bitch at Bad Blood -
Christian: Well I guess right about now, Chris Jericho's somewhere down Interstate 5. So I'd like to take this opportunity to turn this little shindig; the Highlight Reel into my show. So welcome one and all to the first edition of the Peep Show.
King: The Peep Show. Oh, I love peep shows.
He's president of the Rock Fan Club, isn't he?
- JR on Christian -
The Rock knows you're ugly but you damn sure ain't stupid.
- The Rock to Christian -
My daddy ain't no ho. He's a pediatrician, there's a difference.
- Christian to The Rock -
They just don't like soap.
- JR on the French -
They did invent the only sure fire cure for dandruff - yeah, the guilotine.
- King about the French -
I've never heard of that and I'm a redneck.
- JR on the Redneck Triathlon between Stone Cold & Bischoff -
He was acting like he was middle aged and crazy.
- JR on Ric Flair -
If the fire burns within, where’s it at?
- Stone Cold to Kane -
~ May ~
Raw Ruthless Aggression Tour Australia July/August 2003
Many desire it, only few possess it.
The indefinable greatness, the chance to stand alone.
But to reach the pinnacle and rise to the top,
there must be no remorse, zero compassion and total ruthless aggression.
Raw 27 May
King: Who’s the greatest?
JR: Well, in one generation it was Ric Flair. In another generation it was Shawn Michaels, for my money.
Enough! Please stop with the mutual admiration society. You’re making me sick.
- Triple H to Ric Flair & Shawn Michaels -
Oh, look at this big hug-fest now.
- King about Ric & Shawn giving each other a hug -
That man does not deserve Stacy Keibler.
- JR after Test deliberately tried to get Stacy hurt during a match -
Triple H: What the hell happened to your face?
Stone Cold: I was singing in the shower and I slipped on a bar of soap…haha.
- Steve Austin had, in fact been in a car accident and he had a black eye and stitches -
The match is still on.
- Stone Cold to Triple H, who was trying to get out of his handicap match against Flair & HBK -
Would you like to touch my mouse?
- King to Trish -
King: What about Victoria’s hair? You know, at least it matches her face. They’re both ugly.
Trish: Very observant King.
King: I know.
King: I wasn’t a big Chief Morley fan but Val Venis is one of my favourites. He’s like my hero. What do you think of Val Venis, Trish?
Trish: I think he’s a hell of athlete, in and out of the ring.
King: Don’t leave, just stay here.
Trish: Stay here for the rest of the night?
King: Yeah…yeah!
How do I justify getting a sweet $700 haircut like this, worth every penny. That’s a great question Terri but unfortunately that’s not really what I want to talk about right now. What I want to talk about is how the new People’s champion is back in Mobile…Mobile. How do they justify naming this town after a gas station anyway? There’s something else about Mobile, between you and me, these peeps give me the creeps.
- Christian -
Christian, let me ask you a question.
Why are you such a dic…dic…dic…dictator?
- Goldust -
Stone Cold: Did any of the production people tell you that your breath smells like crap?
Eric Bischoff: No, no they didn’t.
Stone Cold: Well they should have because it does.
Beret wearing punks.
- JR about La Resistance coming to interrupt the Memorial Day celebration -
Berets make good frisbees.
- King after seeing one go flying -
I want to send this little message out to Booker T;
that ‘C’ on Christian’s tights there stands for Christian and champion, not chump.
- King knows how to suck up -
At Bad Blood, Goldberg, I’m gonna tattoo my name into your little pea brain.
- Chris Jericho -
Raw 20 May
He made a complete jackass out of himself.
- Stone Cold about Eric Bischoff getting drunk under the table at JD -
Trust in me and I will never let you down.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin -
You can take those rotten sunglasses off
so I can look at your little beady eyes.
- Stone Cold to Triple H -
Listen, you just lay there, I'll do the rest.
- Triple H tells Flair, so he can win the match with no fuss -
JR: New clothes, new hairstyle...
King: And new championship. That looks good on him too.
- About Christian becoming IC champ at Judgement Day -
Birds of a feather.
- JR about Christian and Jericho -
I am a new man with a new look and I
definitely couldn’t have done it without all of my loyal fans.
That’s right, that’s right. My heart beats for my peeps.
- Christian -
Christian: I am the real American Idol.
Chris Jericho: And the best thing is, you’re not even American.
Christian: He’s just not championship material. I mean, lets face it, he doesn’t have wicked cool clothes like me, he doesn’t have a sweet ass haircut like this.
Chris Jericho: His haircut looks like a pineapple.
- About Booker T -
Say it loud - Christian rules!
- Christian -
Dude, your catchphrase is weak.
If you want the support of these
people, why don't you try this:
You've got the belt
You're making big bucks
But everyone stills knows
Christian sucks.
- Rob Van Dam -
What these people respect is a fighting champion.
- RVD knows what the fans respect -
What do you know about $300 shirts?
- JR to King -
Referees are human, ya know.
- King states the obvious -
You don't drive a car, you aim it.
- King to JR -
Look at his arms. They look like two bottles of milk.
- King notices how white Spike's arms are -
King: You’re not hatorizing on me, now are you?
Theodore: I wouldn’t dare hatorize. I don’t drink hatorade. That’s your drink.
I'd like to stir her drink.
- King about Stacy -
Judgement Day 19 May
That’s why Austin never drinks and drives,
he might hit a bump and spill some.
- King about Stone Cold -
Your estimation doesn’t mean squat Cole.
Spanky did not out-rap John Cena.
- Tazz -
And Jazz, now she looks great in the moonlight or even better in total darkness.
- King -
JR: The Matrix move.
King: Trish just got reloaded.
JR: Stone Cold; going up to redneck heaven, as he calls it.
King: Yeah, rednecks don’t usually get to sit in skyboxes.
Raw 13 May
I think he’s got a case of the limbertail, if you ask me.
- JR about Christian weaseling his way out of his match with Goldberg -
You are gonna wrestle cause I said so.
- Stone Cold tells Christian he’s wrestling Goldberg -
Christian: Steve, Stone Cold.
Stone Cold: What?
Christian: I saw you in the back before the show and you looked at me, you stuck your finger up and said I was on first. That’s why I’m standing here.
Stone Cold: No, no, no. I think you misunderstood me. Do you wear glasses? Contacts? Do you have a vision problem? I didn’t’ say you were number one, I was showing you that.(his middle finger)
I sense a little bit of tension right now and I kinda like it.
But I know how relieve tension. If I wanna relieve tension I’m gonna drink some damn beer.
Another Stone Cold Beer Bash. Give me some damn beer out here.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin -
Well, happy hour starts when Bischoff leaves, not when he gets here.
- King -
That would of cut Goldberg in half.
- JR about the car that nearly ran Goldberg down -
Thuggin and buggin time.
- Theodore to Rodney Mack before his White Boy challenge -
Have you been drinking that Hatorade today?
- Theodore Long to King -
Eric Bischoff: I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t you two meet me inside just as quick as you can.
Freddie Blassie: What are you going to do? Hang yourself?
King: It looks like he’s got himself an equaliser.
JR: Well, the new People’s champion has got an equaliser. He’ll need it in the cage with Goldberg next.
It’ll do you no good to run because you’ll only die tired.
- King -
What goes along with a steel cage? I think a nice steel chair.
- King -
Triple H is the Game. But this Sunday at Judgement Day,
Kevin Nash is gonna do to Triple H just what he did last week and that
is beat him down and change his name from Triple H to Triple Biotch.
- The Hurricane -
I didn’t like the sound of that bell.
- King about Stone Cold’s “ding ding” to start the Hurricane/Flair match -
Flair needs a new backside.
His old one is cracked.
- JR after Flair’s pants got pulled down -
Please don’t lose in your underwear.
They’ll talk about this for the rest of your life.
- King about Flair -
Not everything in France is bad.
- King -
I am championship material.
- Chris Jericho --
I’ve always wanted to get hardcore with Trish, so to speak.
- King -
Good Morning Australia with Bert Newton 7 May
Bert Newton: Wrestling fans out there and there are just so many in Australia, good news for them. In Melbourne at the Rod Laver Arena on Thursday, the 31st of July and then in Sydney on Saturday, the 2nd of August in the Sydney Superdome, we are gonna have Raw Ruthless Aggression. Thats the tour which is being back by the WWE. One of the stars of same is Ric Flair, also known as Nature Boy. He's just flown in this morning and its great to have him on the show.
Bert Newton: I suppose you’re used to touring but it is a killer coming so far to another place.
Ric Flair: Well, I am used to it but this is a little bit longer than most.
Bert Newton: How many of the guys coming out (for the tour)? Bert Newton: How did you start out in wrestling? Bert Newton: When did ‘Nature Boy’ happen? Bert Newton: It’s a terrific sport, it’s wonderful entertainment and sometimes people, they question why it continues to be so successful. Well, I think what it is it’s all about show business and I think one of the things that’s missing in some sports today is that sense of entertainment and sense of spirit. Raw 6 May
I ain’t never done nothing low profile in my life. Stone Cold Steve Austin: (to Eric) I am trying extremely hard not to lose my temper. You’re shaking like a damn leaf. Eric Bischoff: I think that’s one hell of an idea from the Chief of Staff. One way or the other, they were all hugged up. Look out JR. That’ll knock your hat off. King: Pretty snazzy music there. Is that by Fozzy? I’m Canada’s greatest athlete from the sounds of things. King: JR, if there’s one thing I can’t stand its people who wear silly looking hats. Monkeys in the truck, let's see that footage again. Those limosuine windows are very expensive Kev and you're King: He’s gonna wrestle with a beret on. He don't need no stick to beat somebody up. He's got those freakzilla arms. Christian: As anointed by The Rock, it’s not just Christian. It’s Christian, the new People’s champion The peeps. My peeps. When it comes to being just downright mean, Jazz is definitely an overachiever. Long is as clumsy as a cow on ice. She is as goofy as a bed bug, let me tell ya. Austin's swimming in beer. Rove [Live] 6 May
Rove: Now tell everybody about why you’re here and what you have to tell the wrestling fans. ~ April ~
Raw 29 April
You iniolated The Rock last night. You absolutely destroyed The Rock. And since Rock did name me his favourite wrestler, King: You don't think Christian's a coward, do you? King: You know what I wish? You’ve forgotten more about this business Theodore: Jonathan, that is your slave name that whitey gave you, right? Kane would never think of doing something like that. Kane’s always been different. When he was in eighth grade, he knew *Scott Steiner’s entrance music starts to play* Coach: They do make a very formidable tag team, I'll say that King. You're gonna give somebody from I don't know about you Coach, but I'm not a fan of anything from France. Whats wrong with Christian being buds with The Rock? He wants to take her to his hotel room tonight Backlash 28 April
Crowd: Boooooooooo! You know, their family tree at least needs trimming. He’s on fire with those huge clotheslines. Coach: A little face to face confrontation. Theodore Long is sweating bullets out there right now. For those few, few…that’s probably a couple… Raw 22 April
You're doing a great job but I still miss JR. Listen to these rude fans here in Atlanta. I guess believing in yourself can only take you so far, right Coach? Look, he’s got a string hanging off his sleeve. A tornado DDT. More bad weather from Hurricane. King: I think this Hurricane really believes he is a superhero. The Rock: No, its not ‘boo’, it’s the Rock Concert II, live in Rock-lanta. Wow, Lita is looking fine! It has been far too long since I have stood in this ring and actually Scott Steiner reminded me of that Chinese debater ‘On Too Long’. Oh, will you stop. Test is not the sharpest knife in the drawer but he’ll still cut you. Now, The Rock is gonna walk away but don’t look Acapella? That means no music, right? Oh yeah, thats The Rock's humma limo. You know that old gigglepanties. The Rock went down to Georgia Get your own table. Raw 15 April
C’mon, baby. Two out of three ain’t bad. Now don't start hatorizing on me, playa. Yeah, they're pretty weird. She's pretty and he's weird. Bischoff: You didn't think I was gonna bring back Steve Austin now did you really? Hurricane: What am I here for? Cause I stand for truth and justice, biotch! What do you think of that, old whisker biscuit? My ribs? Oh no, no, no, no, my ribs are fine from the spear last week from Goldberg. I don’t got all day. Put some stink on it. Lets go. Yeah, you’re my favourite wrestler too. Coach: Is there anything to like about that guy? Now thats what I call 'owning the room'. Look at Triple H. As the saying goes ‘opinions are like assholes, everybody has one’. Raw 8 April
JR: Lady luck was right along with Trish tonight because it was obvious that Jazz had her foot on the bottom rope before the referee’s hand went down for three. Unfortunately for Jazz, the referee did not see it. It’s a good thing he’s not here. You know why? Kane: I found this stinky skunk and I took it down into my basement. Remember, everything’s cool as long as you listen to Rob Van Dam. The Rock: What do you want? What do you want? Can't you see The Rock is busy? Well, Nowinski is entitled to his opinion but Intense and intimidating. You’re a talented cat. Hey...you're gonna do great, alright? Look at this. Man, he gets one kiss from I’m not sure how to describe the relationship JR: I think Trish has got Jeff Hardy… King: I wish Trish Stratus would wiggle her way free whenever Jeff tries to kiss her. What has Trish Stratus done to Jeff Hardy? Did you see that USA Today? Why are people jealous of movie stars? Raw 1 April
Steve, you don't want to shake The Rock's hand. Don't worry about it. They don't put near falls in the record book, Triple H. Dude, we're gonna win. Everytime I hear that siren I think the cops are after Booker T again. Considering that we both graduated from well respected universities, I'm saying you wasted your $30,000 cause not only am I gonna punch you in your frickin nose, He's got a $30,000 face and he's in there with The university of Michigan is where the college professors JR: I'm on record for this. Eric Bischoff is a no good, lousy, son of a bitch. That's exactly what he is. And how he got Austin's records, I'll never know. But he is a no good bastard for what he did; for taking Austin right out of the ball game for medical reasons. He's ruined his dreams, he couldn't beat him, he can't find anybody to beat him and this is what he's done. And he ought to burn in hell for it. You've been such a potty mouth here tonight. King: You know what's the worst thing about wrestling Jeff Hardy? JR: I think she (Victoria) was more attached to the title than you are to puppies. King: Look at the way he's looking at her. Merriam-Webster meaning of lascivious/lust: This is a thing of beauty, just like Trish herself. Look at those puppies. They just became pointers. All white means no confliction. ~ March ~
Wrestlemania 31 March
Cole: Hey, what’s this? King: Did you see that? The Miller Lite Catfight Girls and Torrie and Stacy. And I think they’re on their way out here. Woooo! JR: Jazz has a young Mike Tyson like attitude. My bumper sticker says ‘I brake for blondes’. JR: Wouldn’t you start a wrestling match off with wrestling moves? I’m better than you. Raw 25 March
Are you that lonely? You can't be that lonely. Feel the passion? I see that Trish has a big smile on her face when she looks at Jeff Hardy. King: I've never seen any woman so attached to that championship, as Victoria. JR: Well, Jeff Hardy took Richards out of the game long enough for Trish to maneouvre Victoria into that Stratusfaction-like bulldog headlock and Trish building a little momentum, to say the very least before Wrestlemania this Sunday. JR: I'm very proud of Booker T. I'm proud of the man that Booker T has become because his life has not been easy. Flair got chopped down like a tree. That was an inopportune time to get struck. JR: Shawn Michaels never wore any pants like this? I grew out of wanting to be the next Shawn Michaels and The Showstopper was replaced with the Highlight of the Night. King: These people are confused here in Sacramento. One minute it's RVD, the next minute it's tables. What do they want, JR? The absolute best part about being here in Sacramento is They got some fat ass women and Rock is gonna just say no Well, if you think you're gonna beat The Rock, you're bald ass must be high Raw 18 March
That's twice he fell for that. Goldust: I know that deep down...down there...in the cock...cock...cock...cock...cockles of your heart, you are worried. And at Wrestlemaaaaaaaaaania you're gonna find out that you cannot judge a book by it's c-c-c-c-c cornbread, damnit cornbread. Oh, please come on. I would always hook Trish's leg. *Jeff Hardy helps Trish up from the mat after she took another beating at the hands of Victoria and Richards* This match needs subtitles, we can't call the action fast enough. King: I think he (Test) saw Stacy in Steiner's arms. King: Why would you look at another woman if you had Stacy Keibler? Did you see last week when I wet her cute little backside with that supersoaker? JR: Never underestimate Goldust. The bizarre one is even more bizarre than he usually is. Another Monday night and you ain't got to worry Austin knows that Morley's not out here for Raw 11 March
King: Did I tell you that I’m gonna officiate a wet t-shirt contest here tonight, JR with some ‘Girls Gone Wild’? He’s starting to resemble a painting. The Rock says Cleveland is totally lame The Rock: The Rock has one question, are you ready to go one on one with the Great One? I got my hurra-powers, bitch! Oh, come on JR. I know you’ve known King: Be careful Eric. He's bilingual. He speaks English and profanity. Raw 4 March
Hell, I was laughing all week long after you won that He's got a bonafide mean streak. When you get Christian and Jericho together, He wants to spend more time on the top rope than anybody that I know. When your face gets mashed into the mat like that, And what an appropriate place for his title. JR: This is one bi-polar jezebel, if you ask me. Maybe she smokes cigars, I don't know. The Rock: When The Rock tossed you over the top rope he was screaming something. The Rock was screaming something very important in your ear. Do you remember what The Rock was screaming? Let The Rock remind you of something. The Rock: Do you know what 'haku machente' means? How about back to reality, a place that you clearly You see, you talk a big game and your gums they do flap The Rock is bigger than Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks They do what the voices in each others heads tell them to do. ~ February ~
Raw 25 February
The maestro of mayhem at No Way Out. What is The Rock doing on Raw? The Rock: Last year, last year Wrestlemania. 68,000 strong. You don't boo The Rock...look at you fatty. There is only one true superstar of the decade...and that is Hey Canada, you know what? Hell, know your role This chant is usually reserved for Mr McMahon. Steven Richards: This is a great seat we have here. This is like the best seat in the house. She (Jazz) may be a bitch but you know what? I'm the psycho bitch. I was just sitting there...she stuck the boobs in my face, it's not like I touched 'em. The Rock (singing while playing his guitar): Hurricane: Well, I know one Superhero who I can definitely beat. No Way Out 24 February
Coach: An ego as big as the Bell Centre, I think King. Conflicted but also unpredictable. Lets go Jericho! It takes a King to know a King. Oh c'mon, stay off that top rope. You know what they say, desperate men do desperate things. I will be damned if the three of us team up for the Anything worth having is worth cheating for. A bunch of Canadians who want to be French; they suck. Matt Hardy: I had to lose 10 pounds in two weeks. That’s close to impossible. But Mattitude believes in allowing the impossible to happen. You see Josh, Mattitude is a frame of mind, excuse me….Hey Jeff. You know, if you weren’t so wrapped up in your Imagi Nation and you would have continued to be a Mattitude follower like you were for all those years past, then you probably wouldn’t lose every match you were in these days, have you ever thought about that?*Jeff slaps Matt*
Cole: No wonder Matt Hardy has no damn friends. Tazz: Shannon Moore's addicted to B.J. That’s what Mattitude does, it makes you act like a possum. He looks like a lamb being led to the slaughter. I missed that mean streak. What time is it? Time for another stunner. After tonight they may have to rename the 'People's Elbow'. Raw 18 February
Well, happy days are here again. Bischoff is on a roll now. Bischoff: Does that sound vindictive? And words can’t describe her outfit so just throw up. Did I say 'snow'? You think judo is that stuff they make bagels out of, don't you? Jericho: Can you believe this? Can you believe our luck? Well, the girls are screaming cause Christian’s got his shirt off. King: He's got a great heart but unfortunately its trapped inside a body thats too small to make any significance. Oh no, now he's gonna smash cinderblocks. Smackdown 15 February
Thanks to runningdabull for the following quote Raw 11 February Eric Bischoff may have to change his theme song from ‘I’m Back’ to ‘I’m Gone’. Eric, did you ever stop to think that Wait a minute, this is not Heat, this is Raw. I bet her mother has a loud bark too. I might miss Trish more than I miss JR. ’One can’t grieve forever’, even JR has said that before. King: And look at Molly’s new wrestling attire. The Big Red Machine may fly or he may just be going King: Its ok to be a bitch but she overdoes it. Walk on down that plank…walk on down that aisle. Vince (to Eric & Morley): This might hurt me a whole lot more than its gonna hurt you, I don’t know. Vince: I would thoroughly enjoy watching you attempt to control a foul mouth, beer swilling, red neck rattlesnake. Eric: I’d do anything to save my job. King: Which one (lesbian) do you like? King: Got anything to top that Eric? Hard to top bi-sexual tushes. This is gonna be great. Evolution – more like evil-ution. These guys are evil. You know, Chris Jericho can't be fired because he is the King of the World. Stacy Keibler wouldn’t fall for him if she only had one leg and slipped on a banana peel. King: You know, actually I’m Stacy Keibler’s type. Coach: Have you ever met a man or seen a man that is so into himself as Chris Jericho? I don’t even remember Jeff’s original hair colour. He’s coming out of his shirt. Vince: Ain't she a beaut. JR: Vince has been wanting to whip Bischoff's ass for years. I think we're gonna see it right here, King. Raw 4 February
I’m glad to see her back, I’m glad to see her front. He does have a lot on his mind. That’s a full plate, JR. RVD: You gotta have your mask to fight? Who are you? Spiderman? JR: C’mon ref, make the count. This just reeks of collusion. JR: What in the hell is Jeff Hardy thinking these days? Shawn Michaels: First of all, let me tell you man, I know where you’re coming from. I’ve been there. You’re frustrated, you’re conflicted, you’re angry, lets face it, you’re just plain hot. You’re hot at the world. Believe me, been there, done that. But you see the biggest problem I have with you is something I call wasted potential. Which is what I think you are. All this stuff you’ve been pulling, it ain’t happening man. It isn’t working. See, you’re at a crossroads in your career and for you, Jeff Hardy its decision time. And I’ve been there too. Fifteen years ago, I had to make a decision so I decided to kick my partner in the face and throw him through a plate glass window. Now I made that decision, I stuck with it and I dealt with the ramifications of that decision. Now trust me man, nobody liked that decision when I made it but here I stand, fifteen years later and I believe in my heart I’m the better man for that decision. So what I’m telling you is this – not next week, not tomorrow but today, you need to make a decision, you need to stick with it and you need to deal with the ramifications of that decision. Tonight, you need to tell me, these people and the whole world just who is Jeff Hardy gonna be. Another notch on the toe of the boot for HBK. ~ January ~
Raw 28 January
He’s still a man conflicted, if you ask me. But what can Black Lightning do? Shoot lightning bolts out his ass. Wait, there’s gonna be a little cymbalism here. You can’t win a table match without tables, can you? RVD: Cause tonight, Kane we’re a team. An undefeated team, you know what I mean? Nobody can touch us. I mean, look at us. You with the power, me with the agility. You got the chokeslam and RVD’s got the five star frog splash…and the Van Daminator…and the Van-Terminator…and a split legged moonsault…and the Rolling Thunder. When that glass hits its nothing but 100% pure adrenaline. You might as well be a junkie because you’re hooked on it. You’re hooked on standing behind that curtain every single night and going out there and busting your ass for that crowd. To me the whole business is F@#% you, having a good time. There’s beer drinking, there’s middle fingers, there’s hell raising but Stone Cold Steve Austin is at work and if Stone Cold Steve Austin’s at work it’s gonna be a good day. When it takes Stone Cold Steve Austin too long to get up, too long to fall down, then its time for Steve Austin to move along and let someone else do this thing. To me, every single bump, bruise, scratch, cut, everything has been...was worth it. The sacrifices that you call them, I wouldn’t give none of them back to you because I loved them all. It’s an indescribable feeling to be able to go to these foreign countries If at first you don’t succeed, don’t be a damn fool about it…give up. Raw 21 January
You wouldn’t believe Triple H even if he said he was lying, is that what you’re trying to say? Dude, are you for real? Crowd: We want tables, we want tables, we want tables… King: What are britches? King: I’m not too good with statistics. I can tell you Trish’s bra size, I don’t know if that outfit starts early or ends late. But I love it. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do. Royal Rumble 20 January
Once a superstar from the WWE is in the main event of Be careful when you talk about Jericho because you're talking about the man he loves. JR: Raw tomorrow night just down the road at Providence, Rhode Island at one of our favourite facilities. He looks like a unicorn. A-Train is a really nice guy. That damn Brock Lesnar just manhandled Matt Hardy. Raw 10th Anniversary Special 15 January Each week every WWE superstar that steps inside that ring puts their lives, their bodies, and their careers on the line. For the past 10 years Raw has had amazing moments and featured many WWE Superstars that have gone above and beyond what many of us thought would be absolutely physically impossible Booker T: Man you got problems. Let the Rock remind you - You are and will
forever be a 5 dollar, no 2 dollar, no 37 cent, all I have is a
quarter, can I write you a check, keep the change, tip your waitress, make a wish, blow out the candles. The Rock says blow the candles, not the pool boy, red tag, bargain basement, half price slut! Where else can you have 4 wedding ceremonies, get drugged on your actual wedding night, marry a loser. Fans chanting: We want Austin. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the true #1 Superstars in the history of Raw and that's all of you. The WWE audience. Because, trust me, without you we wouldn't be able to do what we do. You have afforded us the opportunity to come into your home every Monday night and entertain you and I thank you. (calls all superstars onstage). Now it's time for the family of the WWE to thank you and turn the tables. Thank you for watching us the last 10 years. Thank you very much. Raw 14 January
JR: And Richards got what he deserved. Check out Stacy’s dress. How short is that? I think she made it to the top because her clothes didn’t. King: I heard that when Stacy Keibler was in college, she was poor in history but great on dates. Woohoo! Did you get that one? C’mon, please. I’m begging you, JR.
King: When I went to college JR, I got a PhD in S-E-X. I need to be number one. Proper planning prevents piss poor performance. It’s a hinge. King: Is that Raven? JR: This man, that is no doubt goofier than a… JR: I tell you what, those are two sick puppies, King. You need long distance to call the driver. I didn’t hire you, Eric to do a good job, did I? I hired you to do a great job, Eric. I hired you to take Raw and turn it upside down. To take Raw and turn it inside out. I hired you to revolutionize Raw and you didn’t revolutionize Raw at all, you haven’t even had any evolution on Raw. I hired you, Eric Bischoff to shake Raw down to its very foundations. I hired you to take Raw right by the throat and choke Raw and make Raw cough up a phlegm that would spew all over everybody. And you haven’t done that, have you? You’re going to be looking into my handsome face, Raw 7 January
JR: I wonder who wears the pants in that relationship? It looks like Victoria does. Jericho: I always will be Chris Jericho – the highlight of the night. His brain is so big his head has stretch marks. Talk about no good SOB’s. There’s two of ‘em right there. I can’t believe all the good things that I’ve said about William Regal. JR: He’s got something up his sleeve. I think Big Poppa Pump’s bicep is bigger than Triple H’s head. He’s never lost for words. Jericho: Why don’t I just kick your ass right here tonight? Christian: Man, after I heard you talk to Bischoff and enter the Royal Rumble, I did the same thing and now I’m in the Rumble too. Me!
Ric Flair: There's about 40 of us coming. Raw Aggression.
Ric Flair: I started out in 1972 in Minneapolis after the Olympic games in Munich…
Ric Flair: That happened in 1975. I was in an airplane crash in October of ’74 and while I was rehabbing, one of the promoters came to me and said “There’s a very famous wrestler retired in our industry by the name of Buddy Rogers and I think that you favour him and your characteristics remind me of him, why don’t we try that as a handle?” So when I came back from the airplane crash, I had a woman, who’s now gone, but one who started making many of my robes put ‘Nature Boy’ on the back of it and changed my name, ‘Nature Boy’ Ric Flair.
Ric Flair: Most definitely. I mean, I think wrestling has set a trend that all sports are trying to follow. It’s a sports cycle in between popularity in terms of stars that come and go; they all need a little push of entertainment and we bring that to the market wherever we go. Australia is a huge, huge, fabulous market for us to come to. We love coming to Australia. The fans here treat us phenomenally; just casually walk into a hotel and everybody is just so wonderful. It’s a beautiful place you have.
Bert Newton: Well, it’s great to have you here and before you start the tour I hope you have more time to come back and say hello again because it’s been a pleasure having you on the show.
Ric Flair: Thank you.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin tells it like it is -
Crowd: Lose it, lose it, lose it, lose it, lose it…
King: I think the fans want him to lose it. It’s a ‘lose it’ chant.
Stone Cold Steve Austin: I am trying very hard to maintain my composure and you’re a lucky sumbitch cause so far I have but we can settle this or we can settle this like men.
Eric Bischoff: What do you mean ‘settle it like men’?
Stone Cold Steve Austin: Well, we can settle this with a damn match.
- Stone Cold to Eric -
Stone Cold Steve Austin: I think you’re extremely stupid.
- King about Stacy & Scott Steiner getting their hugs on for two weeks in a row -
- King about Jericho’s fireworks entrance -
JR: I’m not sure.
- About Chris Jericho’s Highlight Reel music -
- Chris Jericho would think that -
JR: I know what you mean.
King: What are those? Berets?
- After seeing La Resistance wearing funny berets -
- Jericho can be rude sometimes, can't he? -
gonna have to pay for those out of your very own pocket.
- Jericho about Kevin Nash smashing a few limo windows -
JR: Oh, that’s hideous.
King: *haha* There it goes.
JR: Take your hat off there son.
- About La Resistance wearing their berets while wrestling -
- JR about Scott Steiner not needing a kendo stick -
Terri: Well be that as it may, tonight, you’re gonna go one on one with the gentleman on the cover of the new WWE magazine, Goldberg. His first match on Raw.
Christian: I’ve seen this before. It’s a good little magazine for him. It is. Is this supposed to impress me? Hmmm…let me get something straight alright. Tonight is not Goldberg’s night. Tonight is my night. Tonight is Christian’s night. Yeah, he might have speared me twice. He got me, he got me right in the breadbasket but guess what? I’m still standing…still standing, still right here. And I’m gonna be standing at the end of the night after I beat Goldberg and avenge The Rock’s loss from Backlash and all the people are gonna be chanting my name. And as for Goldberg, he’s gonna be starting a new streak. Losing streak.
- King -
- JR after seeing Theodore Long fall over on the apron -
- JR still thinks Victoria is goofy -
- JR about Austin's Beer Bash. He was literally on the mat swimming in beer -
Ric Flair: I’m here because the WWE is coming back to Australia. We love Australia; this is a phenomenal country, it’s a phenomenal place to work. We have a great time here. We’re coming back July 31st, Thursday, performing here in Melbourne and August 2nd in Sydney – WWE Raw.
Rove: So, the Thursday in Melbourne and the Saturday in Sydney?
Ric Flair: Yeah, the 31st of July and August 2nd in Sydney.
Rove: So, that’s the Raw group?
Ric Flair: Raw group, yes.
It was very impressive, believe me.
Of course, I’ve destroyed and iniolated The Rock on countless occasions
but this isn’t about me and I don’t like talking about myself anyways.
- Chris Jericho tells Goldberg he was impressed with him beating The Rock at Backlash -
I guess its pretty safe to say that I’m the new People’s champion.
And since I am so close to the peeps, I ask you Bill,
how’d it feel last night when half the people booed your ass outta the arena?
- Christian came out to interrupt Jericho’s Hi-Lite wheel w/ Bill Goldberg -
Coach: You said it.
King: I didn't say that.
- About Christian backing away from Goldberg -
Coach: What?
King: I wish you were JR.
Coach: Well, I’m not so there’s nothing I can do.
than most of these other idiots know.
- Triple H to Ric ‘Nate-ch’ Flair -
Coach: No, that’s my first name.
Theodore: That’s your slave name playa.
He’s not that smart.
- King -
he was different from the other kids.
Mainly because he was 18 years old.
- King -
King: Uh-oh, maybe they called the cops on Kevin Nash.
- After just seeing Nash attack Triple H’s limo with a sledgehammer while HHH was in it -
King: Who? Steiner and Stacy? They were all tagged up there. It looked like he was about to give her a belly to belly and I ain't talking about a suplex.
Coach: Stacy was just happy for the win.
- About Stacy hugging Scott Steiner after his & Test's win -
France the benefit of the doubt?
- King to Coach talking about La Resistance -
I don't even eat french fries anymore.
- King -
- King -
and tomorrow he'll probably take her out in the woods
and find out if Trish is the down to earth type.
- Thank goodness this wont't happen now King, now that Stone Cold is Co-General Manager -
Tazz: The people are not happy about something Cole. They must have seen your suit.
Cole: No, it’s Piper’s antics outside the ring.
- King about the Dudley family -
He’s got one for everybody.
- King about Kane -
King: Well, Trish will always win that.
- King -
- The Rock knows that ‘few’ and ‘couple’ mean the same thing -
- Coach is Ok but I still miss JR too, King -
Jericho does not suck.
- King -
- King -
No, that’s his arm. You call that a superhero arm?
- King about the Hurricane -
- I must say it was a Hurri-DDT from Hurricane on Jericho, King -
Coach: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Finally, you’re listening.
King: You really believe that you’re an announcer? C'mon, believe in yourself Coach.
Crowd: Boooooooooooo!
King: Listen to these people saying ‘two’.
The Rock: We’re gonna have so much fun tonight. Get a shot of The Rock’s booty baby. *The Rock walks off*
- Yep, I agree with King on this one -
let me rephraze that, it has been far too long since I have wrestled in this ring.
But you know what? That is about to change because as of last week,
I got word from my doctor, I can finally start (training again).
- Lita -
- King referring to last weeks debate between Scott Steiner & Chris Nowinski -
- Coach to one of King jokes -
- King -
at the People’s booty too long cause it gets hot, baby.
- The Rock while being interviewed by Terri -
You don’t even know, do you Coach?
You think Fleetwood Mac is a hamburger.
You don’t know anything about music, do you Coach?
- King -
- The Rock as he saw his humma limo on the Titan Tron -
- The Rock making fun of Goldberg -
Getting all these rants and raves
Cause the People knew that it was true
Goldberg would choke just like the Braves
So when The Rock finally found Goldberg
Breathing hard and full of gas
Goldberg said "You're next"
The Rock said "Oh yeah, shove it right up your candy ass."
- The Rock sings 'The Rock went down to Georgia' -
- D’Von tells Bubba Ray he’s not putting Trish through a table -
- Test was comparing Torrie’s legs, face & breasts to Stacy’s -
- Theodore Long to King -
- King about Victoria and Richards -
King: At least bring back JR.
Triple H: Listen, run along before I fold you up like a paper airplane and sail your ass on outta here.
- The Rock says 'yes' to a match with Goldberg at Backlash -
They're fine. No, I was holding my ribs I was laughing
so hard cause I couldn't believe how much it didn't hurt.
- Christian on the phone to The Rock -
- Christian to some guys who were supposedly overhearing his phone conversation with The Rock -
- Christian still talking on the phone to The Rock -
King: Who? Christian? What do you mean? He's great. He's gonna seize the day.
- Christian after getting DQ in his match and then smashing Goldust with a steel chair -
All he’s interested in is what’s around his waist.
- King -
- Scott Steiner during his debate with Nowinski -
Raw 18 March 2003 / Raw 25 March 2003 / Raw 1 April 2003 / Raw 8 April 2003 /
King: I didn’t see it either. I was blinded by passion.
Because The Rock will slap him right in his mouth.
I’ll slap the taste out of his mouth.
Knock him back into yesterday for
what he did to The Rock last week.
- The Rock about Bill Goldberg -
RVD: Dude, you came across that skunk too? That was incredible, right?
- RVD to Kane -
Jeff Hardy: Busy? Last time I saw you Rock, you were busy getting your ass kicked by Goldberg.
- Rock was 'busy' talking to Trish but thank god Jeff interrupted -
I guess he’s also entitled to get his ass kicked.
- King about Nowinski getting his ass kicked by Steiner -
- Two words King used to describe Goldberg -
- The Rock to Christian -
- Trish to Jeff just before he was to face The Rock in a match -
Trish and he starts foaming at the mouth.
Course, I guess I would too.
- King when Jeff Hardy was under blacklight and he had glow in the dark paint on his face -
with Trish and Jeff, but…lets say its evolving.
- JR, all I can say about this is “Wooooooo” -
King: All fired up.
JR: Somewhat motivated.
I mean…golly, the tonsil hockey he's tryin to play with her.
JR: You’re just wishing she had a thing for older guys.
King: What do you mean by that? You’re only as old as the woman you feel. Remember that JR.
- King -
They said that the racoon-look in the eye makeup is back in.
Jeff Hardy must have read that. That was for women, Jeff.
- King -
You want to kick The Rock's ass for beating you last night.
- I think Bischoff is right about this one -
- King about the Hurricane pinning Triple H and nearly getting a three count -
- RVD to Kane -
- King about Scott Steiner's entrance music -
where I majored in philosophy and you obviously majored in...ah...gym.
- Chris Nowinski to Scott Steiner -
I'm gonna take this size twelve, stick it so far up your ass you're gonna be flossing with my shoe laces.
- Scott Steiner to Chris Nowinski, who had $30,000 spent on his face -
Steiner who's got a million dollar body and a ten cent brain.
- King breaks down the dollars and cents about Chris & Scott -
get whats left over after the football coaches get paid.
- King -
King: JR, I cannot believe you just said that.
JR: Sometimes a man has got to say what he feels.
- On Bitchoff firing Stone Cold because of his back/neck problem -
- King to JR -
JR: What's that?
King: The shower afterwards. You have to shower with paint remover.
- I guess the shower afterwards would be hard...um...cold. Yeah that's it -
King: Now don't go too far there, JR.
*Trish and Jeff gaze & smile at each other and celebrate Jeff's win over Steven Richards*
Have you ever heard of the word 'lascivious', JR? I know that they don't use that
word in Oklahoma, but that's the kind of look that Jeff Hardy just gave to Trish.
JR: It was certainly a memorable look. I've heard some stories about these two.
pleasure, delight b : personal inclination : wish
2 : usually intense or unbridled sexual desire : lasciviousness
3 a : an intense longing : craving b : enthusiasm, eagerness
- King on Trish giving Victoria a chick kick from hell -
- King while Trish and Jeff were caboodling *grin* -
- Nicole on Jeff Hardy wearing all white which might have something to do with Trish’s influence -
Tazz: It’s a limo.
Cole: Thanks.
JR: That’s a lot of pups in a dog pound.
King: It’s rated PG – Puppies are Good.
King: A Mike Tyson like look as a matter of fact.
- King -
King: Well, I just haven’t seen that in so long.
- Jericho to Shawn Michaels -
- JR to King's constant comments about Stacy's legs -
- JR as Jeff was being introduced as Trish's tag team partner -
Lets hope she doesn't wind up with that paint all over her face.
- King (I think if Trish kisses Jeff, getting paint on her face is the last thing she'd worry about) -
It's like she can't live without it. Trish is starting to look like she can't live without Jeff Hardy.
JR: Does that bother you?
King: Yes!
King: Yeah, but I'm just wondering if Jeff is building momentum with Trish.*Trish grabs Jeff's left wrist and they stop walking. They gaze into each other's eyes, then it looks like they are going to kiss* Oh whoa, wait a minute.
JR: I'm sure you're really concerned about that. You think you have a chance with her?
*Jazz comes down the ramp and attacks Trish before her and Jeff get a chance to kiss. Damnit!*
King: I know, he went to jail for something he didn't do.
JR: I didn't say that.
King: He didn't run fast enough. *laughs*
- King about Booker T slapping Flair down to the mat -
- King on Goldust delivering a double uppercut to HHH & Flair -
King: You're jealous. They would match your hat, as a matter of fact.
- On Jericho's chef pants -
I concentrated on becoming the first Chris Jericho.
Why? Because I am better than you, Shawn.
- Chris Jericho -
- Chris Jericho tells Shawn Michaels he has been replaced -
JR: They want to see action. That's what they want.
that in about an hour and a half The Rock is gonna leave Sacramento.
- The Rock at the beginning of his concert -
Well, I might take a plane, I might take a train
How do you people live here? You must be insane
I'm leaving Sacramento. Sacramento, I won't stay
But I'll be sure to come back when the Lakers beat the Kings in May.
- The Rock's 'Leaving Sacramento' song -
You like that Austin? I told you you can't mix beer with them funny cigarettes
They don't mix baby, you know that.
- The Rock -
Morley, he's gotta be an idiot.
- King about RVD kicking Morley in the face twice -
Triple H: *laughs* Wait, you're killing me man. You're killing me.
- Goldust has a hard time keeping it together while talking to Triple H -
Don't call him The Game Maven.
That's an insult to Triple H.
- King to JR -
- King -
JR: Thank god that Jeff Hardy did the right thing here and came out here and saved Trish's beautiful backside.
King: I was about to go help her myself. Good job there Jeff.
*Jeff kisses Trish and then walks away and back up the ramp, lightly touching his lips with his fingers*
King: Hey, what the heck? You didn't have to go that far.
JR: Well, how far was Richards and Victoria gonna go?
King: Now I know I should of gone to help her.
JR: And how far will these three women go at Wrestlemania in the Triple Threat match and I tell you what, if that is conflicted, that might not be a bad thing for you to be.
King: You got that right. *Camera does a close up of Trish looking in Jeff's direction, surprised*
Look at those eyes, look at that look.
- King during the Christian/Jericho v Test/Scott Steiner match -
JR: Yeah, but Steiner was only helping Stacy.
King: Oh, I think Big Poppa Pump might have copped a feel, I'm not sure.
JR: Oh, copped a feel. Only you would bring up 'cop a feel'.
- After Stacy got knocked off the apron and Scott Steiner caught her in his arms, then Test saw and got mad -
JR: If you pumped that supersoaker any longer you would have gone blind.
King: I was just gonna do it 'til I needed glasses.
- About Test looking at Torrie Wilson in Playboy behind Stacy's back -
King: And thats saying something.
Austin's a thug and he has no class
And just before the night is over
The Rock will whoop his ass.
- The Rock sings to Eric Bischoff -
moral support because Morley doesn't have any morals.
- JR -
JR: Only since about noon today have you been talking about it.
- King about Jeff Hardy -
How did this dump get the Hall of Fame?
The Rock has to sing, aw shucks
Cause Cleveland doesn’t rock, no it totally sucks.
- The Rock’s soothing his soul, yet again -
Hurricane: I think the question is - are you ready to go toe to toe with the superhero?
- Hurricane’s answer to The Rock’s question asking what super powers he had -
The Rock since he was a little pebble. Big deal.
- King -
JR: Sign language.
King: Yeah.
- About Stone Cold Steve Austin -
20 Man Over The Top Rope Battle Royal. I laughed my ass off.
- Triple H to Booker T
(Ok, who else wants to see Triple H laugh his ass off?) -
- King about Christian -
they don't have to go on vacation because
they're on a permanent ego trip, these two guys.
- King -
- JR about Jeff Hardy -
you're not quite as pretty as you were beforehand.
- King on why Christian calls his finishing move the 'Unprettier' -
Right across his posterior.
- JR on Morley having 'Chief' written on his tights -
King: And what about Steven Richards? We know his skylight leaks a little. He's not right.
- JR answers King's question on why Jazz has a deep voice -
Hurricane: I remember you screaming, but it was when Booker T threw your ass over the top rope that you were screaming.
You ain't nothin! You ain't nothin.
You ain't no superhero, not like The Scorpion King.
You're a hundred pounds of nothin. Five feet nothin.
Excuse The Rock, his cell phone's going off.
Oh yeah. Kakow. Hello...hey, it's nothin.
He says he knows you. You're nothin.
(The crowd laughs)
Ah, don't laugh at The Rock's jokes.
- The Rock thinks Hurricane is 'nothin' - as if!-
Hurricane: Well, apparently from what I saw behind that curtain, it means The Scorpion King got a tiny ding-a-ling.
have no idea where thats at cause you are cleary insane.
- The Rock to Hurricane -
But it would appear that you're full of brahma bull crap.
- Hurricane to The Rock -
But yet he's got to deal with these Long Island skanks
He'll whip Austin's ass, you know
And thats the bottom line cause The Rock said so.
- The Rock sings along while playing his guitar -
- King about Tommy Dreamer and Al Snow -
- JR on Vince McMahon -
I didn't invite him.
- King -
68,000 of you mother Canuckers booing The Rock out of the building.
King: Mother Canuckers. They're mother Canuckers, JR.
JR: Oh, thats totally disrespectful...
King: I knew they were.
JR: And un-called for, quite frankly.
The Rock gets more pie in a week
than you get in a lifetime.
- The Rock to some guy in the Toronto crowd -
The jabroni beatin
Loud pie eatin
Trail blazin
Eyebrow raisin
Stronger than a bear
Faster than a buck
The biggest thing to hit Canada
Cause the Maple Leafs suck.
- The Rock's turning into a living legend, like Chris Jericho
(except he doesn't get booed in Canada) -
Just shut your mouth, take all your boo's
Stick 'em straight up your maple syrup sucking candy asses.
- The Rock wants some respect...like he's gonna get it now -
- King on the crowds 'Asshole' chant to The Rock -
King: Actually, my lap is the best seat in the house but other than that...
- Steven Richards & Victoria were appreciative of their seats at the announce table -
- Victoria -
- Test talks to Stacy about 'Girls Gone Wild' -
Ever since The Rock came into town
Everybody's tried to bring him down
Canadian's have no class
That's why they can kiss The People's ass
Hurricane: Holy letdown. The Rock, you used to be an idol, an icon, loved by millions...
and millions. Yet, tonight you come out and trash the People. What's up with dat?
The Rock: *hehehe* This is a joke, who?
Hurricane: The Scorpion King.
The Rock: Oh no, no no. There is no way you can beat the Scorpion King.
*Hurricane pounds his right fist into his left hand*
Hurricane: Brendan Fraser beat the Scorpion King.
King: King of the World, I think thats 'gimmick' in Frenchman.
- About Chris Jericho -
- Coach on Jeff Hardy -
- The crowd chants -
- King -
You're not gonna raise your IQ by going up there.
Just cover the man.
- King about Jeff going up for a Swanton Bomb -
- King -
first time and lose to a walking gorilla and two Canucks.
- Kurt to Team Angle about wrestling Brock, Edge and Chris Benoit -
- King -
- Kurt Angle -
Tazz: Why?
Cole: He runs his mouth all the time. He's an ass.
Tazz: Kinda like you Cole, an ass with no friends.
Cole: B.J.?
Tazz: Yeah, banana juice.
- Tazz -
As a matter of fact, thats what he is.
- King about Bischoff heading to his match against Austin -
- King missed Stone Cold Steve Austin's mean streak -
- King about Bischoff getting a few 'stunners' from Austin -
How about the 'I'm In Love With Myself Elbow'?
- Michael Cole -
- JR on Eric re-instating Chief Morley -
- King right after Bischoff made a match between Jeff/HBK v Christian/Jericho
(oh, the hottness of it all) -
King: Yeah.
Bischoff: Well, your damn right I'm vindictive.
- On making Spike Dudley face Rico, Rosey & Jamal in a handicap match -
Actually that’s not a bad looking smock she’s wearing.
- King making fun of Molly’s outfit yet again -
It don't get no whiter than that.
- Theodore Long -
- King talking to JR about Bischoff's karate skills (and JR's lack of) -
Christian: No.
Jericho: I mean, Shawn Michaels makes a typical smart ass remark to the wrong guy on the wrong night and now Bischoff is giving me a chance to finally beat the living hell out of H-B-K. Michaels is gonna find out first hand why I am the highlight of the night.
Christian: Oh you know that’s right, C-man.
Jericho: Uh-huh.
Christian: You know, HBK and Jeff Hardy think they’re SO cool.
Jericho: Stupid.
Christian: Why? Cause girls scream whenever they take their shirts off. Let me tell you something, girls have been screaming for years, for years when I take my shirt off.
Jericho: And why wouldn’t they?
Christian: I know.
Jericho: I mean its obvious to them that you are one sexy beast.
Christian: Yeah.
Jericho: And as far as HBK is concerned, if he thinks that little surprise we cooked up for him at the Royal Rumble was bad...
Christian: Yeah, it was bad.
Jericho: Wait till he finds out what we’ve got in store for him tonight, right?
Christian: Yeah.
Jericho: Lets go.
Christian: Lets go.
I think they’re screaming ‘put it back on’.
- King -
JR: That is pasty white and a buck fifty.
- About Spike Dudley during his handicap match against Rico, Rosey & Jamal -
- King on the impressive karate skills of Bischoff -
People think I’m crazy
That’s what everybody’s telling me
Because me beating you
Is like you winning a spelling bee
That’s okay, though
Tonight I silence them all
You’re a neanderthal, so I’ll use words that’s small
Big Brock Lesnar, here comes the pain
God built me strong
Forgot to give me a brain
You hop around all day
Like there’s potatoes in your crack
That’s a nice tattoo
Of your mother on your back
I’m untouchable
You can peep my ability
I’m like a basic math problem, Brock
You just can’t finish me.
- John Cena to Brock Lesnar -
One of my favourite episodes of Raw
- I hope King is right about this -
maybe Stone Cold Steve Austin hates your damn guts.
- JR -
- King when Coach came out to commentate after JR got fired -
- King about Jazz -
- King -
- King -
That outfit makes a statement.
Coach: What’s that statement?
King: I have no taste.
Coach: *heh heh* You are too much sometimes.
up there to raise his IQ, I don’t know which. He’s flying!
- King about Kane going up on the top turnbuckle so he can fly and knock Rosey down -
Coach: Wow! She’s loving every minute of it. Look at that kisser.
King: Did you say you want to kiss her?
Coach: No, I said “Look at that kisser.”
- On Jazz putting the STF on Molly -
- Vince tells Eric & Chief Morley to walk the plank..uh..ramp -
King: Oh, that’s what my mum used to say. I’d always say take it easy on yourself.
Coach: I’d like to see that too, to be honest with you.
King: And those are his good points.
- I’d also like to see Eric try and control Stone Cold Steve Austin -
King: Grovel, grovel.
Coach: Yes!
King: Both?
Coach: Yes!
Coach: I was gonna say. Where do you go from here?
King: Triplets?
- About Eric bringing out those so-called 'bi-sexual lesbians' -
- King on the Dudleyz coming out to iniolate Chief Morley -
- King on Triple H, Nate-ch, Randy Orton & Batista -
- King -
- King knows that Stacy wouldn’t fall for Jeff Hardy if she’s got Test -
Coach: Whats that?
King: Rich.
King: Yeah, if you ain’t talking about him, he ain’t listening.
He used to go to Lover’s Lane and park by himself.
- Me either King, me either -
- King on Jeff taking off his shirt yet again (Woohoo! The more often, the better) -
JR: Oh, Lord.
King: *heh heh* He's got tan lines.
Vince: I don't have all night, in case you didn't notice, my ass is hanging out on national television. I'd appreciate it if you'd go ahead and pucker up and kiss it. That's it, a little closer. Watch it...watch it, my ass does tricks on occassion. I can't control it.
- Vince had his white ass hanging out and Eric was meant to join the 'Kiss My Ass' club but he wussed out -
King: Yeah. Do it!
- King on Stacy Keibler’s return from a concussion -
- King on Jericho going against Scott Steiner in a #1 Contenders match -
Kane: Spiderman?
RVD: What?
Kane: You have a joke for everything, don’t you?
RVD: What Kane?
Kane: You don’t know me Rob. You don’t know what its like to be me.
RVD: What’s it like? Is that where you keep all your strength, in your mask?
Kane: You know we can’t all be cool like you. We can’t all be cool like Rob Van Dam, can we?
RVD: Oh, you were trying to be cool when you left me in the ring to get my ass kicked by those four guys.
King: Wait a minute, that’s not a ref, that’s Rico.
- JR -
King: I don’t know if he is.
- On Jeff Hardy pushing RVD off the top turnbuckle and then slapping Kane -
Jeff Hardy: You want to know who I am, Shawn Michaels? There’s not enough time to describe who Jeff Hardy is. I’ll tell you one thing, I’m gonna start kicking some ass around this place and I’m gonna start with you.
*Shawn then plays some Sweet Chin Music to Jeff*
- King -
- King on Jeff Hardy -
What kind of power is that? That’s real nice.
- Theodore ‘Teddy’ Long thinks D’Lo Brown is a better black superhero than Black Lightning -
- King on Trish smashing Victoria in the head with two trash can lids -
- King during the Tag Team Table match between the Dudleyz and Regal & Storm,
there were no tables under the ring -
*Kane taps RVD’s chest* Did I mention you got the chokeslam? Yeah man, we’re unstoppable, see that’s my point here. Nobody can touch us. Do you know what that means?
Kane: Yeah, that means as long as we’ve got each others back, Triple H and Batista don’t stand a chance tonight.
RVD: Exactly, that what I’m saying. Nobody can beat the team of Mr Monday Night, Rob Van Dam and his partner…his partner *RVD motions for Kane to speak* C’mon, do it. You know you want to.
Kane: No, I’m not gonna do that.
RVD: C’mon, you’re dying to. Do it.
Kane: The Big Red Machine.
RVD: Yeah.
- Replay of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s WWE Desire clip – ‘My Sacrifice’ by Creed -
and to have them respond to us in the way that they do and be fanatical about what we do.
It just never ceases to amaze me.
- Triple H voice over on clip of Far East Tour Jan 03 to Seoul, South Korea & Tokyo, Japan -
- King -
- King to JR -
You’re nothing more than a kiss ass, washed up, ex-porn star.
- Bubba Ray to Chief Morley -
King: Oh-oh. The people are furniture happy here. They’ve got a furniture fetish.
JR: A little woody.
JR: Well…pants.
King: Oh.
JR: Jeans…britches.
but exactly how many people did Chris Jericho eliminate (in the Royal Rumble)?
JR: He eliminated six.
- King on Stacy’s ‘brief’ outfit -
- King -
Wrestlemania, you want it over and over and over again.
- Chris Jericho -
- King to JR -
King: Ooh-ooh, the Dunkin Donuts Center.
- King about the knot on Jericho's forehead from a singapore cane shot -
He'd give you the hair off his back.
- King -
- JR, who wouldn't want to manhandle Matt Hardy? -
Thanks to Jami for these quotes from the Raw special. Much appreciated.
- Shane McMahon -
Goldust: Maybe a few.
- The Rock to Stephanie -
*Long look at Triple H*. Together take over a billion dollar company. Get fired, fake a pregnancy, get left at the altar and divorced, only to make a triumphant comeback as the general manager of the greatest show on network television today, Smackdown.
- Stephanie
McMahon on being on Raw -
King: I think the fans want Austin.
- Edge's closing remarks -
King: Knowing Steven Richards he might have liked it.
- On Trish snapping Richards with a kendo stick -
- King -
JR: I got it – I got it.
JR: Oh, did you now?
King: Oh yes, I did.
JR: How long did that take?
- Jericho wants to be number one in the RR but thanks to HBK he won’t be -
- William Regal -
- Lance Storm’s excuse for what a brass knuck was doing in his elbow protector -
JR: That is Raven.
King: What’s up with his hair? Where’d his hair go? He used to have more extensions than ATT.
(Lillian begins announcing Steven Richards and Victoria to the ring)
King: You were gonna say ‘pet coon’, weren’t you?
JR: I was, but everybody knows that.
King: Are you talking about Victoria’s puppies or Victoria…and that other sicko?
JR: I’m talking about Victoria and that yahoo.
- That yahoo and sicko they’re talking about is Steven Richards -
- King on the length of Vince’s limo -
- Vince gives Eric 30 days to turn Raw around -
I’m going to be looking into your beady eyes.
- This is what Vince says will happen on the night that he tells Eric ‘you’re fired!’ -
King: Well, Steven Richards might wear the pants but I bet Victoria tells him which pair.
JR: Victoria – WWE women’s champion along with former champion, Molly.
King: We know she wears the granny panties in that outfit.
King: A highlight, JR. Did you hear that?
JR: He’s a humble rascal, ain’t he? But he is good, he’s very good.
King: A highlight.
- King on Chris Nowinski -
- King on Regal & Storm -
I didn’t mean half of ‘em, but I said a lot of good things about the jerk.
- King -
King: Besides those big arms of his.
- Referring to Triple H having something planned for the Posedown Challenge -
- King during the Posedown Challenge -
- JR on Chris Jericho -
King: I wouldn’t say the word ‘kick’ around Shawn Michaels.
Jericho: That is great news.
Christian: Yeah.
Jericho: Now you can help me win the Rumble so I can regain the Championship. This is tremendous. It’s great. This is awesome.
Christian: Whoa whoa whoa. Hey, hold on a sec. It’s every man for himself in the Rumble and you know what, I wanna win it. I’m gonna win the Rumble.
Jericho: Christian, I was the very first Undisputed Champion. I’m going to win the Royal Rumble.
Christian: So what. I’ve held every title there is to hold except the World Title and I want it.
Jericho: I’m a three time Tag Team champion.
Christian: Well, I’m a nine time Tag Team champion.
Jericho: Well, you’re a nine time loser.
Christian: Well, your beard is stupid.
Jericho: Well, your tattoo doesn’t look like anything, it’s a blotch of ink.
Christian: Yeah, well at least Shawn Michaels didn’t kick my face off.