~ December ~
Raw 29 December
King: Look at Tomko there on the outside. He's sporting that new Captain Charisma t-shirt. You know, Captain Charisma sent those t-shirts to all of his friends for Christmas presents. I got mine, did you get yours?
JR: Mine must be lost in the mail.
Oh watch out referee. You better not become a problem there or you'll be solved by Tomko.
- King -
Say it JR, say 'business just picked up'.
- King when Maven was announced as Randy Orton's competitor -
He’s no brain surgeon either.
That hurt him just as bad as it did Maven.
- King after Randy Orton pulled a side Russian leg sweep on Maven -
JR: Chris Benoit trying to chop Viscera down. The seven footer is a biscuit or two under 500.
King: Chris Benoit was chopping away but that’s like trying to chop down a sequoia tree with a little hatchet.
Raw 15 December
Christian: Are you almost done Candice? God!
Candice: I'm almost done.
Christian: I could have been Intercontinental champion last week and Jericho made me dress like some moron. My Christian Coalition were so embarrassed for me, you know.
Candice: I'm done. Do you want to see the mirror?
Christian: No, I don't. I think you need this more than me. Nice eyeshadow.
Tyson Tomko: Look, you gotta relax man. Seriously, I don't think anybody's gonna remember.
Christian: You don't think they are? Cause I have a feeling people are looking at me funny everywhere I go.
Eugene: You're...It's Captain Charisma. You're like 10 favourite superheros. You're not as good as Aquaman because he talks to fish and he underwater but not that he could beat you. Can I have your autograph?
- Eugene is now a fan of Christian...um Captain Charisma -
Chris Benoit (to Eric Bischoff): If you go out there and give that title away to any one of us, well it will just show; it will just prove to me that you are just as spineless as everyone says you are.
JR: Bischoff heard a mouthful from Chris Benoit. Benoit and Jericho against Triple H and Batista. This is gonna be an inter tag team match up.
King: Yeah and it's gonna be next. I never said Bischoff was spineless.
Mick Foley: In this great country, you're free to shoot your mouth off everywhere but one isolated 20 foot by 20 foot ring. Some call it the squared circle. I'll call it Foley Island. And should you care to step inside Foley Island, I assure you democracy no longer reigns. Your rights no longer apply. Should you choose to wander into Foley Island, you have got the right to feel my fist in your mouth. And you have the right to feel this boot in your ass. So if you're feeling gutsy, c'mon welcome ashore. Foley Island awaits you.
- To Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari -
Raw 8 December
And no great party would be complete without everybody getting laid.
- Chris Jericho celebrates being Raw General Manager for a night -
Vince McMahon: After reviewing the footage, Chris Benoit's shoulders were clearly down for a count of three. It was also obvious to me that Edge tapped out. As a matter of fact, Edge tapped out at exactly the same time that Chris Benoit's shoulders were counted down for three. So I would suggest then what we would have traditionally speaking is we'd probably have ourselves a tie. Yeah, I don't like ties either. Maybe it's not a tie.
Chris Jericho: Seriously Christian, think about it. You're Captain Charisma right?
Christian: You know that, everybody knows it.
Chris Jericho: I know it. Think of all the great Captains in the history of the world. Captain Hook, Captain Crunch. Well, tonight on Raw Is Jericho, it's the adventures of Captain Charisma.
JR: Sometimes Eugene can be a little bit gullible.
King: A WWE ring is no place to be gullible JR.
Randy Orton: If you wanna blame somebody Edge, blame yourself.
Edge: That's real sharp Randy. I figured you might say something like that.
Randy Orton: Well hell yeah I'd say something like that, you wanna know why Edge? Cause unlike you, I've been World Champion.
Get out Tomko, you're causing more problems than you're solving.
- King -
Raw 1 December
He just got voted off the island.
- King after Y2J & Shelton threw Steven Richards over the top rope in the Battle Royale -
Trish Stratus: Hahahaha! Oh, I'm glad you're so amused by all this. I'm sure you think it's so funny that I gotta wear this 'thing'.
Chris Jericho: Trish, do I look like the type of person that would make fun of your obvious misfortune? I mean, you actually look great. *makes a funny face* But seriously, you know what's funny to me? You know what's really funny to me? The fact that you've been calling Lita the 'Walking Kiss Of Death'. But tonight the Walking KOD beat the Walking STD.
Trish Stratus: Oh, very funny!
Chris Jericho: Oh c'mon, it's a good one. It is funny.
Trish Stratus: You know what's funny?
Chris Jericho: What?
Trish Stratus: I don't care that I lost because I'm still champion. You remember what that's like don't you? Oh, you actually probably don't because that was a really, really long time ago.
Chris Jericho: Oh wow yeah. Touche. You really got me there. But you know what the good thing is though Trish? Next week on Raw, it's Chris Jericho's turn to be General Manager. You know what that means? It means it's gonna be the biggest party in Raw history. The biggest party in WWE history. But every good party needs some hot chicks hanging around right? Every good party needs some gorgeous girls to really make it happen right?
Trish Stratus: That's right.
Chris Jericho: So if you know any hot chicks, can you please tell them about my party next week?
Trish Stratus: Ha, very funny.
Chris Jericho: Trish, you actually are invited to my party, seriously. As a matter of fact, you're gonna have a spotlight on you next week because you are gonna defend the Women's Championship next week on Raw against Lita. Yeah!
Trish Stratus: What?
Chris Jericho: Party on Trish. See ya next week.
~ November ~
Raw 24 November
Shelton: Trish!
Trish: Hey Shelton.
Shelton: What are you doing here?
Trish: Oh me? I was just taking a long hot shower. And where are you off to looking so pretty?
Shelton: Monday night...Raw. I've got a six man tag match, William and Eugene need me.
Trish: Oh, what about my needs? What about...Trish?
Shelton: Oh, sugar. Don't worry, you'll find somebody else. I mean, you are the biggest slut on Raw.
Trish: You're so uptight. You need to loosen up and I know just how.
Vince: What the hell is going on here? It's a woman in a towel. I mean, this is unconscionable, this is scandalous. I can see the moral fabric of America disintegrating right before my very eyes. The sexual overtones, the racial overtones.
Shelton: Excuse me?
Vince: Well, Shelton you may not realise this but you're an African American and everybody knows that African Americans are attracted to Canadian white women with broken noses, now I'm sorry but the FCC is not gonna tolerate this and neither will I. I mean, I'm not gonna have a locker room full of mis? and deviants. This is the WWE, this is not the NFL and it damn sure is not the NBA. It's this kind of sexual titilation that will send you and other professional wrestlers up into the stands to attack the audience and if that were to happen that would be the downfall of civilisation as we know it.
Shelton: You know what? You really need to lighten up.
Vince: I have a Board of Directors to answer to. Someone has to uphold the virtue of...is he gone?
Trish: Yep. *drops her towel and jumps into the arms of Vince McMahon*
Vince: Oh my god! Oh yeah. Are you ready for some wrestling?
Simon: Girls like Stacy aren't interested in fat, disgusting slobs like all of you. They're interested in guys like me. Isn't that right Stace?
Stacy: Well Simon, I usually don't date guys that look at themselves in the mirror more than I do.
The problem is you got a million dollar body & a ten cent brain.
- Triple H to Batista -
King: She's so beautiful.
JR: Well, beauty is only skin deep.
King: Well, that's deep enough for me.
- About Trish -
Raw 17 November
Thanks to Doug for the following quote
JR: Do you want a rematch? *sarcastically*
King: JR! You're brilliant!
- On the lingerie pillow fight between Christy and Stacy Keibler -
King: A lot of people look at Lita as, well as like a ho.
JR: What?
King: You heard me. Well let’s face it, she had a baby out of wedlock and then I guess she did get married. What kind of woman is she?
JR: Someone you would date.
Christian (to Edge): What’s with all this hostility? Why don’t you just tone it down a little bit? I don’t want you to strain your voice box and miss another six months of action.
JR: Shelton Benjamin is on a red hot a roll as anybody on Raw. He & Randy Orton have been literally on fire.
King: Are you the President of Shelton Benjamin's fan club?
That Christy Hemme is hot.
Man, I’d like to fluff her pillows.
- Triple H to Batista -
Batista: You know, I've been thinking man...
Triple H: See that's your problem right there, you thinking. I thought I smelled smoke. I'm just kidding, lighten up.
Survivor Series 15 November
King: What do you think about Christian's new theme song? It's performed by Waterproof Blonde you know, isn't that great?
JR: Sounds good. I hope he can wrestle as good as his music sounds.
King: Why do you always have to talk bad about Captain Charisma?
JR: He looked like a blonde headed orangutang hanging on those ropes.
Get that straight jacket that Heidenreich had and put it on Lita.
- King after Lita snapped and attacked Trish -
Raw 10 November
JR: Well this should be one of the most explosive Highlight Reels in recent memory.
King: That top Trish is wearing is about to explode. I think inflation is a good thing.
Do you think she's been through so much or been through so many?
- King about Lita -
Hey, do your job referee. I don't want
this turning into an episode of Jericho Springer.
- Jericho has his hands full with Trish & Lita on the Highlight Reel -
Trish Stratus: Just by having her on the show tonight, just like Dark Angel, now your show's gonna be cancelled.
Chris Jericho: So by having Lita on the show, my show's gonna be cancelled? Well let me put it this way Trish, by having you out here the only thing that's gonna be cancelled is my subscription of Better Sluts & Gardens cause I'm standing out here talking to the real deal.
You've been out of action for way too long.
I mean in-ring action that is.
- Trish to Lita -
Raw 3 November
Triple H may say that without him Raw is nothing,
well I say without that World Title, Triple H is nothing.
- Eric Bischoff -
If Benoit can beat La Resistance on his own,
imagine what he can do with a partner.
- Edge -
Chris Benoit: And just who the hell do you think you are?
Edge: Who do I think I am? I think I'm the man who has an autobiography coming out tomorrow.
Edge: You could now sell this book on Ebay, it's priceless, priceless I say.
King: That was a smart thing you didn't personalise it to JR, you just signed your name. That makes it more valuable.
Edge: Exactly, put JR in there and the value drops.
Trish Stratus: Ladies and gentlemen I present to you, Lita, the walking kiss of death. Lita first burst onto the scene with a young hotshot named Essa Rios and before you know it, adios, Essa Rios is never seen or heard from again. Lita got together with the Hardy Boyz to form Team Xtreme but they should have called them Team Xtinct because once Lita sank her claws into them, TLC-ya later, the Hardy Boyz broke up and never teamed again. Even Hollywood's not safe around Lita. The show Dark Angel, cult favourite, up for an Emmy; but they decided to bring in Lita as a guest star and click, the show immediately gets cancelled. So what does Lita do? She comes back to Raw and gets back to her one true love Matt Hardy but one thing leads to another and before you know it V1 needs an IV as he's sent to the hospital, his career in jeopardy. Then Lita decides to settle down and marry the one man she claimed to hate more than life itself, Kane and a few weeks later ding dong the freak is dead, Kane suffers the worst beating of his life and hasn't been seen since. Way to go Lita, you truly are the walking kiss of death.
You're a bunch of rednecks but you're still my fans. You still count.
- Trish Stratus to the fans -
~ October ~
Raw 27 October
You want some of this too Tiger Woods?
- HHH to Maven -
King: Here in Iowa they call this the heartland of America right?
JR: That's right.
King: You know why they call it the heartland?
JR: No sir.
King: Because the brain is not here.
Taboo Tuesday 20 October
King: Well, they're all coming to the Principal's office after school...except Molly.
JR: What's wrong with Molly, King?
King: Well I don't know, she looks more like a teacher than a student.
JR: She reminds me of a librarian back in Oklahoma.
King: Oh look at that, are those panties on backwards?
JR: How would I know if they were on backwards or not?
King: I better check. Look how sweet and innocent she looks right now.
JR: Yeah well you can't judge a book by its cover sometimes.
- About Trish after her win in the Fulfil Your Fantasy Diva Battle Royal -
I've seen better looking faces on a pirates flag. Look at Snitsky, that evil look.
- King -
Now button it up. Don't be a slut, button it up.
- Vince McMahon tells Coach to button up his dress -
Coach is a himbo.
- JR -
Look at his breasts. I've seen bigger lumps in my oatmeal.
- King -
Vince McMahon: You're as grey as a ghost! Look at all that. You dye your hair don't you?
Eric Bischoff: So what?
Vince McMahon: So what? What a phony son of a bitch.
JR: None of these ladies have had any wrestling training.
King: Who cares about wrestling training. This is a pillow fight...in lingerie. It's gonna be really taboo.
- About Christy vs Carmella in the Lingerie Pillow Fight match -
Lilian: Here is your winner: Christy Hemme.
King: Watch out, Christy may start kissing everybody in the place.
JR: Christy loves to entertain, she loves to make the fans happy.
Raw 19 October
Christian: Mr McMahon, believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was come out here and interrupt you. But there's something I have to get off my chest, there's something that I have to say and I'd like to address all the fans here in Chi-town, actually the fans all over the world. I just want to thank you for all your appreciation and your support for me over the years. Thank you.
King: Next he'll kiss a baby.
Christian: But Mr McMahon, you have to know my fans, my peeps; the Christian Coalition will not be denied, no we will not.
Oh no, holy interruptions.
- King after Hurricane was the fifth person to interrupt Vince McMahon -
Holy conundrums Citizen Mr McMahon,
so many choices yet all so lame,
do the right thing and vote Hurricane.
- Hurricane tells it like it is to Mr McMahon -
Shelton Benjamin: Tonight you saw me go through five...four guys and Coach so I know I can beat Chris Jericho and become the new Intercontinental Champion.
Wait a minute, this could be a Kodak moment.
- King just before Christy kisses Lilian -
Raw 13 October
King: I think you asked me earlier if I liked muscular legs or thin legs.
JR: And you answered?
King: Something in between.
Randy Orton: I will beat you at Taboo Tuesday. And Ric, I've got my own limousine man, you know it and as for the ladies, god knows; look at me...I've got plenty. And for the girls that I've kissed, it's alot more than that kiss than they remember.
Smackdown 9 October
John Cena: Look at you man. When you was born, the doctor slapped your mamma. I wonder what you thinking right now? "What a shock Taz, John Cena is making fun of me again. And why does he have to listen to that rap music? Why can't he listen to good music like O-Town or New Kids On The Block? Ooh, that Joey McIntyre really had the right stuff. I wonder if Cena has the right stuff under those boxers?" Dude, you sick man. You sick. And this is too easy for me. This is my home so tonight we're gonna do something different. So instead of me making fun of Michael Cole, which I could go on til god knows when, I'm gonna pick one of y'all out of the crowd to come up here and make fun of Michael Cole.
Carlito Carribean Cool: So you just won the United States Heavyweight Championship? That's cool. That's really cool...especially since people who wear that jersey never win anything.
- To John Cena who was wearing a Red Sox jersey -
Raw 6 October
Chris Jericho: Attention viewers. Do not adjust your set. This is not a repeat despite the fact that Triple H is whining and complaining about Taboo Tuesday yet again. Listen Trips, this ain't Tuesday. This is Monday, this is live, this is New York City baby. And this is Raw is Jericho. But it seems to me that you're a little uncomfortable with the whole Taboo Tuesday concept but I just want to tell you that an interactive pay per view is not a bad thing, no it's not. I mean, everybody has the right to make a choice. Everybody has the right to vote. As a matter of fact, I think we should have a little poll of our own with all of these Jericholics right here in Madison Square Garden tonight. Alright, they want to take a poll. Who here thinks that Triple H is the greatest wrestler today? Okay, okay, now who here thinks that Triple H is the greatest wrestler of all time? Alright, alright, well who here thinks that Triple H is the biggest horses ass that ever walked the face of this Earth? It looks like we have a winner, yeah! But seriously Trips, if you wanna keep complaining about Taboo Tuesday well take your show on the road Jack because nobody here gives a damn about what you have to say. But if you want to know who it was that first came up with the idea of the people voting for a pay per view match, well that was me, Y2J. And if you want to know who it was that inspired Vince McMahon to create an entire pay per view based on that concept, well that was also me, Y2J. But most importantly of all, if you want to know who it is that's gonna be laughing and smiling while watching you lose that championship at Taboo Tuesday, well that's also gonna be me, Y2J you sanctimonious son of a bitch.
Whatever works.
- Trish Stratus after seeing Stacy bite Molly's finger in a match -
~ September ~
Raw 29 September
Triple H: I don't come to where you people work and decide things for you. I don't come to where this guy works and tell him when the fries are done. I don't come to where this chick works and tell her what street corner to stand on. I don't control your jobs, you don't control mine but like Bischoff said 'what's done is done' and I know you're all so happy. You all think you finally got one over on the Game right?
I'm gonna say something I probably shouldn't say but I hate the name Snitsky.
- King -
You're not a legend, you're a lapdog. You're a glorified cheerleader Ric.
- Randy Orton to Ric Flair -
This generation is gonna remember Ric Flair for kissing Triple H's ass.
- Randy Orton -
Ric Flair, you know damn well that a true legend takes crap from nobody.
- Randy Orton -
Raw 22 September
Christian: He calls himself the Show Stopper. I'm Captain Charisma damnit, I'm the Show Stealer, that's what I am.
Christian: What would the season premiere of Raw be without me on it?
Trish Stratus: Have you guys thought about the money you'll be making? Think about how you gonna be spending it? Christy, maybe you can turn it down a little and buy yourself some decaf. And Carmella, maybe you could buy yourself...I don't know...a personality.
Raw 15 September
Triple H: Ladies, when this girl comes out of this cake and she jumps on me, you guys go ahead and join in, there's plenty of me to go around.
King: Is this ballet?
JR: Hey, I don't know, I'm from Oklahoma.
King: I never could understand ballet. I just wondered why they just didn't get taller girls.
I beat him ugly. No, I beat him uglier.
- Shawn Michaels definitely beat Kane -
Chris Jericho: This whole row, right in this whole section, section 53 says "every single week that bald assclown with the goofy beard interferes on Christian's behalf and we're sick of it."
- The bald assclown called Tyson Tomko -
How does he know what all these fans are thinking?
One guy's thinking "Why did I wear this stupid shirt to Raw?"
- King -
King: Are these Seattle fans saying that Tomko sucks?
JR: Well, they're calling Christian a CLB and enough said on that subject.
King: It is hard to chant Captain Charisma.
JR: Especially when it isn't true.
I want you to take this like a man...if you can.
- Vince McMahon tells Coach he's part of the Seattle Slugfest -
Referee Jack Doan: Ok ladies, I'm gonna explain the rules to you. As we all know, Coach has a very big mouth so feel free to hit him there. Also ladies, as you can see that very large head of his, aim high, aim hard. Ladies, there's no hitting below the belt...unless absolutely necessary. And just to let you know, Joy was Coach's favourite.
Unforgiven 13 September
Eugene's probably sitting at home watching the radio right now.
- King -
When all else fails, use your head.
- King -
Watch it ref, he'll suplex you.
- King while Benoit suplexes everything in sight -
JR: It's still a beautiful late evening, early afternoon, late afternoon, early evening here. I'm trying to get it right.
King: It's still daylight is basically what you're trying to say right?
JR: Pretty much.
Tyson Tomko (to the 'mystery woman'): You cross-dressing hermaphrodite.
JR: Wow, I need a dictionary.
King: What's the worst kept secret?
JR: The mystery woman.
JR: How do you tell a Peep from a Jericholic?
King: The Peeps are always much better dressed.
Christian ate some ladder. And it couldn't have tasted good.
I don't think even BBQ sauce would make that taste good.
- JR -
Randy Orton is very, very good. He's just not as good as me.
- Triple H -
Coach: Chris Jericho, how does it feel to now be Intercontinental champion now once again?
Chris Jericho: How does it feel? Look at me. How do you think it feels assclown? Look at the ice on the shoulder, the ladder went halfway up my ass, I feel like crap but I'm the seven time Intercontinental champion, that's a record. Nobody has ever been the seven time Intercontinental champion. I feel like a King. I feel like the champ.
JR: No tag was made that I saw. The referee's not aware that there was no tag made.
King: Just because you didn't see it JR, doesn't mean it didn't happen.
King: People gravitate towards greatness. That's why you hang around me.
JR: I always wondered what the reason was.
You don't have to win, you just have to avoid losing.
- King -
Raw 8 September
Christian: Well, the cold hard fact is that you've got a near disaster on your hands my friend. You see all these fans in this arena tonight, all the fans everywhere around the world; my peeps; are gonna be rioting in the streets if you don't do the right thing and take this Intercontinental Championship and hand it over to none other than Captain Charisma himself, me, Christian.
JR: That would not be the right thing to do in my opinion.
King: Captain Charisma has a point.
Chris Jericho: If we're looking for a special match, there's only one that fits the bill. And it's a very, very simple recipe Eric. You take one vacant Intercontinental title, suspend it freely, you mix in a large metal climbing apparatus, you dump in a big steaming pile of CLB, then you add a huge helping of freshly squeezed Y2J. You mix it, you shake it, you bake it and out comes a tasty little morsel known as the ladder match. Yeah!
Chris Jericho: How about you let everybody here decide what kind of a match its gonna be at Unforgiven.
King: These people aren't capable of deciding anything like that. That's an important decision.
King: Oh yes, you can't get too much of Ric Flair in a match. He is special JR, listen...
*Ric Flair slaps Rhyno across the chest and the crowd chants "Wooooooo"*
King: Why do you say 'French sympathiser' in such a derogatory way JR? Have you ever been to France?
JR: I have not had the opportunity.
King: It's a beautiful, beautiful country.
JR: I'm sure it is.
King: It would be great if there weren't quite so many Frenchmen.
King: This baby is gonna be born with that ah, what kind of eye is that Kane has? It's a wall-eye isn't it JR?
JR: A wall-eye?
King: Yeah, wall-eye. You don't know which wall he's looking at.
Raw 4 September
First of all, don't you dare call me Randy Orton. Call me champ.
- Randy Orton to Triple H -
Randy Orton: Evolution wasn't about us. Evolution wasn't about past, present and future. Evolution was about us protecting you. And once Ric Flair and Batista figure that out for themselves, well maybe, just maybe they'll detach their lips from your ass.
Randy Orton: I think I'm gonna bring a friend of my own to that ring and kick your ass.
King: Who's he talking about?
*Randy Orton grabs a sledgehammer and walks down the ramp towards Evolution in the ring*
JR: Oh my god, Orton's got a sledgehammer!
King: That's Triple H's sledgehammer!
King: Who’s he going to emulate here?
- While Eugene climbs the turnbuckle -
King: Yes JR, it’s the damn sledgehammer.
~ August ~
Raw 27 August
The Rock: And Lilian wasn’t always a Raw Diva. Lilian used to have a job. She used to work at the sperm bank. She got fired for drinking on the job. I’m kidding…a little bit. No, I’m only kidding. I love you but you know that Lilian.
The Rock (to the Raw Diva finalists): A couple of weeks ago, you guys were asked to make ice cream cones. And I saw that and the truth of the matter is that was very, very entertaining. Yeah, no it wasn’t entertaining. You know why it wasn’t entertaining? I’ll tell you why because the truth of the matter is nobody wants to see you eat ice cream. What The Rock wants to see and what the millions and millions of The Rock’s fans want to see, they want to see you eat something else, they don’t want to see you eat ice cream, no no no, they want to see you eat pie.
The Rock: Just a quick question – we got any pie lovers in the house? Yeah. One for the girls – we got any strudel lovers in the house? Yeah, one dude related to Coach.
Christy: As you guys can see, my butt’s hungry. Its been munching my panties all night so I’m gonna have to feed it.*Christy then proceeds to place a pie on the ground, she sits on it and wiggles about*
Raw 20 August
Randy Orton: Now, I want you to do me a little favour. I want all the 24 year old males to stand up, raise your hand, let yourself be seen. C’mon, you’re on national television, live television. Lets put a camera on these people. Can I see the 24 year old men in the audience please.
King: Hey, there’s a lot of 24 year olds.
Randy Orton: Take a good look people. This is what the average 24 year old male looks like.
Randy Orton: Stand up again all the 24 year olds, take off your shirts, woah woah woah, just the men; women you can catch up with me, there's time for that later.
Trish Stratus: The Divas and I decided to throw you a bridal shower. But don't thank us yet, thank us after the presents. Yes, there's presents. Right Molly?
Molly Holly: That's right. Well Lita, since you like to sleep around so much, I got you something that you could really use. First, there is birth control pills and of course, not to forget, condoms.
Kane: I dedicate this match to my bride to be, Lita.
King: How touching!
JR: How repulsive!
King: This referee couldn't see an elephant in a phone booth but he sees that.
- About Flair interfering during Jericho's lionsault -
King (to JR): I wish I could see things from your point of view but unfortunately, I can't get my head up my rear end that far.
Summerslam 16 August
Thanks to Doug for the following quote
JR: Eugene did that on instinct.
King: Is instinct just a nice way of saying got no brain?
JR: What kind of father will this repulsive human being Kane make?
King: What do you mean what kind of father will he make? He just wants to be normal JR.
JR: I think its too late for that.
King: Question is, what kind of husband will he make?
Randy Orton: One of the most talented, one of the youngest, most charismatic and best looking WWE Superstars is going to ascend to greatness tonight. Tonight will be…
John Cena: The night that the franchise opened up shop on Booker T’s ass. Thanks for the introduction bro.
Eugene couldn’t even tell you what a silver dollar is made out of.
- King -
Eugene wasn’t even his mothers favourite and he’s an only child.
- King -
In bizarro land, Eugene could be King.
- King -
Raw 13 August
JR: Thumb to the eye. Jericho, somewhat resourceful there with that illegal manoeuvre. I guess one could say certainly in the spirit of competition, right or wrong.
King: Oh yeah, I love a good rake to the face in the spirit of competition.
Raw 6 August
King: You’re sort of like Lita.
JR: I’m not pregnant.
King: I know, I know but it seems like her idea of being faithful is not having more than one man in the bedroom at the same time.
I haven’t seen you dumped that badly since Trish Stratus.
- Edge to Jericho about his performance in the Battle Royal last week -
~ July ~
Raw 30 July
King: Triple H is not here to win a popularity contest tonight, he’s here to win the World Championship.
JR: This match will be a 60 minute match. It will last one hour.
- I sure hope 60 minutes = 1 hour or else we’ll be in trouble JR -
Raw 23 July
Triple H: Can I really feel this bad for what I did to poor innocent Eugene last week? And just as I was starting to think that, that's when it happened. I farted! That's right. But once I got it out I felt better. Just like last week with Eugene, once I got rid of it I felt great.
Triple H: Are they crying? Are they crying? Was William Regal and Chris Benoit just crying? Did I see that right? There's no crying in wrestling.
Chris Jericho: I'm leading the pack. I'm the pied piper here.
King: Yes, you are.
Chris Jericho: Except for they aren't rats.
- Jericho leads the Diva Search finalists to Bischoff's office -
How you doin?
What's your sign?
So, do you come here often?
- Jericho's pick up lines to some of the Diva Search finalists -
JR: Jericho's got to strike, strike suddenly and try to end this thing as quickly as humanly possible.
King: Yeah, the key word there is humanly. When you're dealing with that monster Kane, you can't deal with him humanly.
JR: Ever since Kane set me on fire, I haven't had alot of opportunity to give him sympathy, I'm sorry.
Raw 16 July
The future father of the year – Kane
- King -
Ric Flair: We’re both in the same profession. The only difference is I became a legend and you became a joke.
Hurricane: Why, just because I like to make people happy?
Ric Flair: I think you should concentrate more on your career and less about making the audience happy.
JR: There’s Trish. Speaks three languages. Can’t say no in any of them.
King: Oh, listen to you. You’re awful.
I could sit here and talk about my musical chairs prowess all night long.
- Chris Jericho -
I do know who the father of my baby is and its not you.
You know how I know?
Because I have been with both of you.
And Matt Hardy is more of a man that you will ever be.
- Lita to Kane -
Chris Jericho: Hold on one second. You want a fight Kane? Huh? You want a fight? You get your ass back down to the ring and I’ll give you a fight of your life you stupid jackass. C’mon back Kane. You don’t have to leave so soon. You don’t have to leave so prematurely. Oh but then again from what I hear you do a lot of things prematurely. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that got ya huh? Let’s face it Kane, you just got punked out by Lita. You just got punked out by a chick. It’s obvious who wears the pants in your relationship Kane huh. That’s what I said to Lawler, you can cancel this Diva Search cause we have ourselves a winner. The biggest diva in the whole of WWE is you Kane. That’s right, look at your qualifications – seven feet tall, bald, ugly, gap toothed, lazy eyed and most importantly of all, like every diva in the back, you ain’t got a set of balls junior. C’mon.
Vengeance 12 July
JR: Over 150 countries will end up seeing Vengeance tonight and 35 of them tonight King, live.
King: Amazing. How many countries are there in the world JR?
JR: I gotta work on my geography.
King: Oklahoma, is that a country?
JR: In my view it is.
Cade looks better with green hair.
That green hair suits that kid.
- JR about Tajiri’s green mist in Garrison Cade’s hair -
JR: Eugene is not a child.
King: Eugene is child like. He has the mind of a baby if you ask me.
JR: Eugene has never won a championship here in the WWE.
King: I should hope not, he’s only had a few matches.
Being Ric Flair is a hard job.
- JR -
King: Is the referee just gonna let anything go in this match?
JR: That’s the rules.
King: I guess there are no rules then.
- During the Matt Hardy vs Kane No DQ match -
JR: That’s a very attractive little thing around Molly’s neck.
King: Chin strap.
JR: Chin strap, yeah.
King: How do you think she holds a wig on? With a nail?
King: How would you know anything about a weight room? When was the last time you were in a weight room JR?
JR: I was there this morning as a matter of fact.
King: I didn’t say waiting room, I said a weight room.
JR: You can expect either Triple H to get out and retrieve Benoit, which is exactly what he’s doing or wait to see if Benoit was gonna get back in the ring of his own power.
King: You call Randy Orton a thoroughbred, what do you call Triple H now? A golden retriever?
Raw 9 July
Thanks to Doug for the following quote
Eugene: Do you remember when La Resistance beat Rhyno and Val Venis?
Randy Orton: It just happened!
JR: With Eugene in charge of Raw who knows what’s gonna happen here tonight.
King: The inmate is running the asylum. Woohoo, this is gonna be great.
JR: Her strap matches her britches. They're both black.
Trish Stratus: I didn't even notice her britches.
JR: Well, King did.
King: I don't like it when girls wrestle in pants.
Trish Stratus: No?
King: I say down with pants.
Trish Stratus: Just, no pants?
- Speaking of Molly's wig strap...at first -
Raw 2 July
JR: Chris just doesn’t look quite right to me.
King: Hair too long?
JR: No, I’m not talking about his hair do. His eyes are a little glazed over in my view.
King: Are you trying to make excuses?
JR: No, I’m just being hypersensitive about a mans injury.
I can almost guarantee an international incident of some sort.
- King about Eugene being Raw General Manager next week in Winnipeg -
~ June ~
Raw 25 June
King: Edge has got about as much future in this match as an icecube out here on the streets of Miami….he’ll last awhile.
- About Edge v Randy Orton & Batista -
Matt Hardy: Lita, I love you and you made me the happiest person in the world when you told me that we were gonna have a baby. But baby, I don’t wanna tell you how much I love you, I wanna show you. Lita, will you marry me?
Kane: Lita, oh Lita. Before you answer that question, don’t you think there’s something you should tell Matt? Matt, that baby that Lita’s carrying, it isn’t yours. Its mine.
Matt Hardy: Kane, you liar.
Kane: Matt, if you don’t believe me why don’t you just ask Lita.
I didn’t want him to hurt you anymore.
- Lita to Matt -
The baby might be yours.
- Lita to Matt after he found out Lita’s baby is Kane’s -
Raw 18 June
Chris Jericho: What’s your favourite Y2J moment?
Eugene: Chris Jericho peed in William Regal’s tea and William Regal drank it. I did the same thing last week.
King: Now, if I was a referee in this match I’d see everything.
JR: You’d certainly be looking.
Bad Blood 14 June
King: We need a disqualification right now. Eugene has brought a foreign object into the ring.
JR: How do you know its foreign? It may be made in the States.
- The foreign object was a teddy bear -
JR: A misfire.
King: The story of Coach’s life.
JR: Eugene’s having fun. There’s nothing wrong with having fun.
King: This is not about fun.
JR: Its not?
King: Its about beating up your opponent. Hurting somebody.
Raw 11 June
JR: Speed will kill ya. And I don't know of anybody in the WWE that has more speed, more quickness than Shelton Benjamin.
King: Yeah, well what about power? That's one thing that will outdo speed. Raw power.
Coach: What do you admire about Eugene?
JR: He's a wrestler.
Raw 4 June
King: I think we should be a little more like the Canadians. We should definitely embrace the metric system, don't you think?
JR: For what reason?
King: Just the rest of the world has. All of Europe. We're about the only country that's still with this farenheit stuff. I think we should be more European.
King: It's like the channel keeps changing in his head but he's not in charge of the remote control.
- About Eugene -
King: If you’re gonna jump up in the air, at least put your feet in somebodies face once you get up there.
- King after a standing dropkick by Randy Orton -
King: Did you see that Matt Fact? ‘Matt’s life is better with Lita in it’.
JR: I would agree with that whole heartedly.
King: Oh, its always so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life and I think Matt has found her.
JR: I think they make a great couple.
Poor Eugene. He’s like a bowling pin.
He got set up and then knocked down…by Kane.
- King -
~ May ~
Raw 28 May
Triple H: I guarantee you this, the second Shawn Michaels steps foot in the building tonight I am gonna beat him half to death and I am gonna beat him half to death and I'm gonna drag whats left of him out to that ring and I'm gonna finish him off live in front of the world.
Randy Orton: Hunter, if Shawn Michaels comes when we're gone, kick his ass.
Triple H: Batista...
Batista: What's up man?
Triple H: You better stay with me.
Chris Jericho: Welcome to Raw is Jericho. And this is the world famous Highlight Reel. You know, things have been feeling a little bit different around Raw the last couple of weeks and I think the reason for that is that Christian, the creepy little bastard has not been here. Two weeks ago in our barbaric brutal cage match, I beat Christian so bad that he’s out, he’s injured. CLB now stands for Crushed Lower Back. Oh yeah, Christian is out. He’s currently recovering downtown in Chinatown courtesy of Y2J. But the sexy beast is hot baby. Oh yeah, hot. And speaking of hot, my guest tonight is on fire. He’s on fire, he’s steaming hot, he’s the Intercontinental champion, he is Randy Orton.
Randy Orton: Chris, don’t you cut me off.
Chris Jericho: This is my show, that’s what I do assclown. I do whatever I want on the Highlight Reel.
Randy Orton: You know what Chris, you and Shelton got something in common, you both got a big mouth.
Chris Jericho: A big mouth? Ooh, a big mouth. Wow! What’s next Randy? Are you gonna call me a poo poo head? Huh?
Randy Orton: Chris, Chris Jericho, you better watch it, I’m Randy Orton. I’m a member of Evolution, I’m the Intercontinental champion, I’m a legend. You know what Chris, I wouldn’t mind putting the first ever Undisputed world champion on my long list of legends that I’ve killed.
JR: Well Trish, let me ask you a question. What’s the story on the ah CLB?
Trish Stratus: I don’t know who you’re referring to. CLB?
JR: Christian….you know.
Trish Stratus: None of your business.
JR: Alright.
King: Ha, I guess she told you JR.
Raw 21 May
King: What would you prefer to call Trish - an angel or a flower?
JR: How about jezebel.
Randy Orton: Now, if you haven't noticed I like to talk about myself.
JR: No.
King: Well, who wouldn't if you were Randy Orton.
The Rock: There ain't but one man who knows The People yeah and it damn sure is not this walking popcorn fart right here, no. Oh yeah, yes I did call you a popcorn fart.
- To Coach -
The Rock: Coach ain't your friend, he'll never be your friend, screw The Coach.
Crowd: Screw The Coach, screw The Coach, screw The Coach...
The Rock: Thats a good one.
The Rock: Who's your boy standing in the middle of the ring?
Eugene: The Rock.
The Rock: Who is the People's champ?
Eugene: The Rock.
The Rock: And who is your favourite wrestler of all time?
Eugene: Triple H.
The Rock: Why do you like Triple H?
Eugene: We both like to play games.
The Rock: And you don't want to play games with Triple H. The only game he likes to play is hide the strudel, I guarantee man. The Rock will explain it to you later okay.
Why do all these girls go crazy whenever they see Edge?
- King -
Raw 14 May
King: This Benjamin is wrestling faster than you can talk, ain't he JR?
JR: Just about.
Chris Jericho: Shawn Michaels being suspended is just another example of Bischoff throwing his weight around. You know, I'd like to know what Bischoff is up to considering he told Triple H that next week he would get an opportunity to win the world title which is the same thing that he told me. But I'll worry about that next week because this week, tonight, its all about Y2J, Christian and a 15 foot high steel cage. You know, Christian and Trish like to brag about how they like it rough, but Christian should be careful for what he wishes for. Because tonight, I'm gonna show him just how rough Chris Jericho can be.
I think its time to change the oil in your hair there Edge.
- King -
They gave Eugene an IQ test and the results were negative.
- King -
JR: Look at that big sign there 'Eugene' at ringside. Can you imagine what's going through this young mans mind?
King: Nothing. Nothing goes through his mind. Except wrestling. He's like a genius when it comes to wrestling.
He's got as much direction as a pack of firecrackers.
- King about Eugene -
Smackdown 8 May
And Judgement Day is coming up, Rene Dupree I'm gonna smash him
Your boy's all business, starting tonight with Doug Basham
I don't wanna seem like I'm complaining and I'm bitchin
There's just something weird about two guys that are always switching positions
He's keeping it in the family, messing around with his brother
I'll beat you really quick tonight so you can go back to beating each other
Your boy is fully focused man, ain't no way you gonna bash me
You twins are bigger bitches than Mary Kate and Ashley.
- John Cena -
Raw 7 May
The only thing hot about Phoenix is the weather.
Its certainly not the ladies, they’re brutal.
- Coach -
King: I wonder what kind of shampoo Molly uses.
JR: I don’t know, some kind of carpet cleaner probably.
Chris Jericho: Now, I’ve been referred to as the Highlight of the Night many times but lets be honest, tonight the highlight is the Chris Benoit vs Shawn Michaels world title match. And everyone’s been asking me all day “Hey Chris, what are your predictions about this match? What do you think?” And what I think is this – it’s been far too long since Y2J had a world title match of his own. So tonight I’m gonna make a challenge. Tonight I’m gonna challenge the winner of the title match, Chris Benoit, Shawn Michaels, either one. I just wanna let ‘em know that there’s a new challenger waiting in the wings and the initials are not HHH. The initials are Y2J. So that brings me to my guest tonight. Now this is a man who had his share of problems with Kane lately, a man that’s been living dangerously, who’s been taking a lot of chances. And I think he’s been doing this to attempt to reconcile with his former girlfriend. So, ladies and gentlemen and Jericholics of all ages, let’s get some answers from my guest tonight. Please welcome Matt Hardy Version 1.0
~ April ~
Raw 30 April
Regal: He’s harmless.
King: Harmless? He’s never licked your face obviously. You could get an infection from that you know.
- About Eugene -
Christian: What I'd like to do is go through a list of my unbelievable
accomplishments. First, I beat Y2J Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania 20.
That was a good one, wasn't it? And then I embarrass him and I take
Trish, his pure sweet little angel away from him. And after all that,
Y2J was still a problem so what do I do? I go out and get us the
ultimate problem solver, Tyson Tomco. And now the only problem left is
that the World Heavyweight championship isn't around my waist. That's
it, that's all, baby goes to sleep. So with the peep patrol and the
problem solver behind me there's nothing and I mean...
- Christian before he was interrupted by Grandmaster Sexay -
He was gonna kiss her like an anteater.
- King about Kane wanting to kiss Lita -
King: Who does Tajiri think he is anyway?
JR: The Japanese buzzsaw, I would assume.
Raw 23 May
You know, he's got a family tradition of not scoring.
- King about Jericho -
When the road looks like that you don't wanna detour.
- King about Trish -
Well people in Canada need to get used
to disappointment, look where they live.
- King -
Backlash 19 April
Do you ever notice how success goes to a mans mouth?
Now that he’s the champion, you can’t shut him up.
- King about Chris Benoit -
King: This kid’s on scholarship tonight.
JR: You just want him to stay after school.
King: Oh yeah, he’s gonna have to stay after school.
JR: Detention.
King: He’s on detention, you’re right…Professor Flair has just thought of something.
JR: Flair bringing a visual aid into the classroom.
- Flair brings a steel chair into his match with Shelton Benjamin -
JR: Coach does not like his face touched.
King: No, he doesn’t.
JR: He classes himself as a very handsome young man.
King: Well, he’s no Randy Orton though.
King: Everything about her is nice. ‘Those’ are nice.
JR: I know ‘those’ are nice.
King: I’m talking about her eyes.
- About Trish -
King: Do you want me to tell you about her feet? They’re small.
JR: Yeah.
King: You know why?
JR: Nothing grows in the shade.
King: Hey, there you go. You know about Trish. You know more about her than I thought.
I think we’ll be sunburnt in Edmonton before Christian tags in Trish.
- JR -
Caring Loving Boyfriend – that’s what that stands for.
- King about what CLB really means -
Trish is an earth sign and Jericho is a water sign,
together they would make mud.
- King -
King: JR, she needs medical attention.
JR: Well, you’re not a doctor….she might need a veterinarian.
- About Trish -
If Randy Orton went out and walked on
water you’d say “Oh look, Orton can’t swim”.
- King to JR -
I don’t think there’s an athlete in the upcoming NFL
draft that’s more athletically gifted than Kane.
- JR -
Benoit is not a one hit wonder.
- JR on Chris Benoit retaining the World Heavyweight championship -
Smackdown 17 April
And I'm smooth like white chocolate, Cena's a vanilla thriller
My F-U is automatic like jump shots from Reggie Miller.
- John Cena before being interrupted -
Raw 16 April
Trish: Okay, get this, at Backlash it was Jericho vs Christian but no okay, it’s Jericho vs Christian and me. Do you understand what that can mean? That means that Jericho could put his disgusting hands on me and humiliate me or hurt me. I’m not gonna have that. I just won’t have that.
*Eugene walks up and stands beside Trish*
Trish: Sweetie, can I help you?
Eugene: Hi.
Doris(?): Hi Eugene.
Eugene: Hi make-up lady.
Trish: Oh obviously you know her, the make-up lady. You know who I am?….Babe of the year…..three times…
Eugene: Slut.
Trish: What did you just call me?
*William Regal appears*
Regal: Eugene! I’m dreadfully sorry dear. He slipped away again. He’s always at it all the time. Come on dear boy, come on.
*Christian appears*
Trish: Did you hear that?
Christian: I heard it. Forget about them alright. Forget it. You know who’s fault this is? This is Jericho’s fault. This is the reason I wanted you in the match at Backlash alright, so we can embarrass Chris the same he’s been trying to embarrass us okay. You have nothing to worry about okay. I’m gonna do all the work. I’m gonna beat Jericho’s ass. And when the time is right, I’m gonna tag you in and all you have to do is cover him 1, 2, 3 alright.
Trish: Do you promise?
Christian: Who you talking to huh? When have I never kept a promise?*Christian pulls Trish close and holds her in an embrace*
Trish: I’m not a slut.
Christian: I know.
Chris Jericho: On Sunday at Backlash, I finally get the match I've been waiting for ever since Wrestlemania. Chris Jericho vs the creepy little bastard and the filthy dirty disgusting brutal bottom-feeding trash-bag ho. I guess it's Y2J vs CLB and the FDDBBTH. And during the match when it's done and I get the W, their careers are gonna go DOA then they'll be MIA just like DDP forced to sell DVDs of The O.C. from HBO on AOL and QVC at the DMV and all the while, Trish Stratus will be wishing she had a little Vitamic C baby. And I know that Trish is nervous about this match but she doesn't have to be nervous about this match. I mean, it's obvious to me it's not the first time she's been in action with two men at the exact same time. And besides, Trish, you said it yourself, you like it rough. You like it rough. Rough. *begins barking like a dog using the word 'rough'* Why does that 'ruff' sound familiar? ruff ruff. Why does that ring a bell? Oh, I know why. It's because of this. Roll the clip monkeys. *Jericho shows a clip of Trish from 2000 when she is on her knees barking to Mr McMahon* Well, you know what they say, a female dog is a bitch and Trish, once a bitch always a bitch. And besides all that Trish, the reason why you're in a match against me at Backlash is because you were thrown out of the Women's Battle Royale last week on Raw by my guest tonight. She's challenging for the Women's title at Backlash against Victoria. She's the Queen of Xtreme. My guest is Lita!
King: How long is this Rosey gonna be in training?
JR: Maybe he's a slow learner, I really don't know.
King: He wears a beach towel for a cape.
King: How many stitches did he have in his head?
JR: 15.
King: They should have just put a zipper up there cause I can assure you Ric Flair will open him up again at Backlash.
- About Shelton Benjamin -
Smackdown 10 April
This Great American Award, I'm gonna win it tonight
It's a no brainer, even Kurt Angle can get it right
I'm the United States champ, I put on a demonstration
I beat two Italians last week to get this nomination
Rene Dupree was ringside with one of his poodle mutts
So I punked out a French dude and hit his bitch with my nuts.
- John Cena -
Raw 9 April
How can Christian keep his mind on this match with that dish sitting on his lap.
- King about Trish reclining on Christian during Jericho’s match -
That’s the biggest timekeeper I think I’ve ever seen.
He must be wearing a big heavy watch.
- King about Batista -
*Batista (as timekeeper) rings the bell*
King: The match is officially started.
JR: Oh, you're easily impressed aren't you? The new phonebooks are here too, by the way.
JR: I used to have a great deal of respect for this young woman.
King: Oh, she's hot.
JR: She is that. But man, she is so full of herself; stabbing Chris Jericho in the back.
King: If you were a woman that looked like that, you'd be full of yourself too.
- About Trish -
King: Poor Gail. She really got pancaked.
JR: She landed right on her face on the outside.
King: Her face? She's not two-faced.
Smackdown 3 April
I'm still giving out F-U's and still pumping up my shoes
This Great American award, your boy is not gonna lose
Look at Charlie Haas, he had to cheat his way in
Big Show's buying apple pies, he's trying to eat his way in
Hey yo, I know they gonna keep these awards sucka free
Lets forget about that Busta Rhymes wannabe they call Booker T.
- John Cena -
Raw 2 April
Lilian: Okay. Johnny Spade now wants to be known as Johnny Nitro.
King: Look at Johnny Whoever He Is, he's not doing a damn thing to officiate this match.
JR: Johnny Suck Up more like it.
Chris Jericho: You know, I have to be honest with you, I have to congratulate Christian and Trish Stratus. I mean, what can I say? They really got me. At Wrestlemania they humiliated me in front of the world at the biggest event in the history of the company. I mean, they got me. But I also wanna let ‘em know that I haven’t forgotten, I’m gonna have my revenge. I’m gonna get you two but just not tonight. You see, tonight Bischoff told me if I put my hands on Trish that I’d be fined and suspended and I don’t want that. Tonight, I want an explanation. So tonight, my guest owes me an explanation. Please welcome to the Highlight Reel, Trish Stratus.
Trish Stratus: So, you can’t touch me. You can’t touch me. I know you want to, but you can’t touch me. Not like I touched you at Wrestlemania when I slapped you right in your mouth. So you want an explanation? Its pretty simple Jericho, you see, you just weren’t there for me. I mean, here I am last month in a match against Christian and where were you? What, what you had a bung knee? You had a bung knee? Oh poor thing, poor thing. You know what? A real man would have hopped one legged in the rain to make sure I was untouched. A real man would have sacrificed his body for this body. Hello, I’m Trish Stratus. I’m Trish Stratus. I’m not like these people here. I’m Trish Stratus and you weren’t there for me. But you know who was there for me? Christian. Christian was there for me. You know, at first when he knocked on my hotel room I thought I didn’t want to talk to him but you know what? Everything he said just made sense. You were trying to do to me what you did to him. You were trying to use me. You never cared about me, you never appreciated me. You never appreciated this. Honey, I’m a three time Babe of the Year, you’re not even in my league. So you know what? That night, Christian and I came up with a little plan and that was to humiliate you at Wrestlemania and I have to say…
Crowd: Slut, slut, slut, slut…
Trish Stratus: Call me what you like but I think our plan worked out pretty good. I’m gonna pat myself on the back for that one because we humiliated you on the grandest stage of all and you know what? That night, we plotted and planned all night long and Chris, that’s not the only thing we did all night long. How’s that for an explanation?
Chris Jericho: I guess I understand where you’re coming from Trish. I mean, that’s an explanation. Look at you. You’re Trish Stratus, a former Women’s champion and the three time WWE Babe of the Year. And also, from listening to your speech I’d have to say you’re also the biggest slut of the century. Oh yeah, oh yeah. I’d like to thank you for coming out here and putting me in my place. It makes perfect sense to me. You make me feel better. All I did was put my foot in my mouth and that’s nothing compared to what you’ve been putting in your mouth. I mean, you’re saying that I blew it. I’d have to say you been doing all the blowing around here sister. Man and they say that Kurt Angle sucks. You’re easier than Paris Hilton on Viagra. Three time Babe of the Year? Wasn’t Babe a talking pig? Oh, I get it. I get it. But in all seriousness Trish, I’d like to thank you for coming out here and opening up because it seems to me that’s what you do best right? I’m not in your league? I’m Chris Jericho, I’m a sexy beast baby. But all props to you and Christian. The CLB and the FDDBBTH. The creepy little bastard and the filthy dirty disgusting brutal bottom-feeding trash-bag ho. Do the Jericholics like that one?
Crowd: Yeah.
Chris Jericho: Well then, lets say it together. She’s a filthy dirty disgusting brutal bottom-feeding trash-bag ho. I said a filthy dirty disgusting brutally bottom-feeding trash-bag ho. That sounds like a symphony. Filthy dirty brutal…
~ March ~
Smackdown 27 March
Booker T: But what I did like was wrestling on Raw. See, no disrespect to none of these fans in here but the Raw fans, they appreciated Booker T, they respected everything I did. And no disrespect to you Kurt but compared to Raw, Smackdown is the minor leagues.
- Booker T isn't too happy being traded to Smackdown -
Welcome to Smackdown, this is where the franchise play
That's Tazz, he a thug and that's Michael Cole, he's gay
But there's some things you need to know, I'm here to keep you prepared bro
Don't leave your watch or your wallet anywhere near Eddie Guerrero
This is the most important thing but you'll remember, this one's easy
Don't go nowhere near a bathroom after Big Show or Rikishi
And get your eyes off my equipment, I don't care how bad you want some
This chain ain't for yanking and don't touch my Magic Johnson.
- John Cena welcomes Rene Dupree to SD -
Raw 26 March
Paul Heyman: My name is Paul Heyman.
Crowd: Boooooooooooo.
Paul Heyman: Thank you for your irrelevant opinion.
The franchise is crashing the party, Paul don’t get hot at me
He’s wearing a neck brace cause he’s blown the whole lottery
I heard that about you, he ain’t the one way type
Believe the hype, John Cena is more Raw than Monday night
I’m the lottery pick they both want to get their hands on
This ain’t no junior high dance so fellas, keep your pants on
And if you draft me, save your t-shirts, I ain’t kissing your butts
We in the D baby so you choke on D’s nuts
You the General Manager but I’m making the next pick
I’m giving you one ball but you still got no dick.
- John Cena -
I love those wardrobe malfunctions.
- King -
King: She is really smitten with Christian.
JR: How do you read that book? How do you read her expressions? How do you know when she’s sincere and when she isn’t?
King: Well her book, I’d prefer the brail edition.
- About Trish -
JR: How can a woman like to have her hair pulled?
King: Oh JR, you need to get out more often.
- After seeing Christian pull Trish’s hair -
Smackdown 20 March
You see at Wrestlemania, Big Show didn't think I was a fighter
I put him on a F-U diet, he came out ten pounds lighter
The Smackdown video game is the only way he can play me
I bring championships home, like my name was Tom Brady
But there's some people out there that think I disgraced this titles heritage
That's cause your boy causing more controversy than gay marriages
Plus the FCC is cracking down on me too
Man those people suck just like the Yankees do
But I'm still throwing the W up, changing the whole industry
I'm like the big dick bro, nobody can finish me.
- John Cena -
Raw 19 March
King: You don't think thats a wig, do you JR?
JR: Yes I do as a matter of fact.
King: The chin strap is a dead giveaway isn't it?
JR: That would also be an indication of yes.
- On Molly wearing a wig after her head was shaved at WM -
I'll slap you like Trish.
- Matt Hardy to Jericho during their match -
Oh yes. That brings back memories of last night at Wrestlemania XX, doesn't it?
- ^ King ^ -
Christian: Now if I can have your attention, I'm gonna ask that you all remain silent because the lady's got something she wants to get off her chest.
Trish: Okay you know, before you sit there and judge me....hold on, lets not forget it was Chris Jericho who made a bet to sleep with me for one Canadian dollar okay. I mean, what kind of a cheap slut do you think I am anyway? It's too bad that Jericho's night ended uh prematurely because I really wanted to tell him something. Chris, if you're listening, don't you find it really ironic that you spent all this time and energy trying to screw me but in the end I wound up screwing you...or should I say, screwing someone else.
Christian: You know, I was hoping for a little respect around here. Considering we are in the birthplace to millions of creepy little bastards, New Jersey. Yeah, you're creepy and you know it and I'm not one of you. I'm no CLB because I, I got the girl. And Jericho, I hope you learned something from this. I tried to tell you, I tried to warn you you were getting soft but you wouldn't listen. You see, Trish doesn't want some lovesick little puppy following her around giving her roses. No. She wants someone like me. She wants someone a little rough. She wants someone a little dirty. She wants a man and thats something you should try being sometime Chris because right now...
Trish: You can't get no Stratusfaction.
*Trish & Christian then partake in another sadistic kiss*
Wrestlemania XX 15 March
Thanks to Doug for the following quote
King: That was a slobber knocker. I provided the slobber, they provided
the...
JR: Okay, okay, we get it.
- On the Playboy Evening Gown match -
You've got the franchise player on the Superbowl stage
So get that gorilla Big Show out of his cage
Ain't no way that I'm gonna lose to that King Kong rip off
That's like Gary Coleman beating Patrick Ewing in a tip off
Big Show's really an ape with posable thumbs
And he stuffs his singlet, looks like he's smuggling plums
Everybody knows that he can't see me
I'm itching to beat him like a penis with a STD
I'm not even wrestling the Big Show, this whole things a charade
My match is with the hippo float from the Macy's parade
So its time to get a championship to match these custom knucks
Madison Square chant it loud baby, Big Show sucks.
- John Cena -
You've been watching too many episodes of Dr Phil.
I don't get that tough love thing.
- JR to King -
JR: Jericho, with extreme high risk.
King: There's only one thing that could make him take chances like that.
JR: And that would be?
King: A woman. Women will make you do crazy things JR.
C'mon Christian, stay focused, there's tough love to be administered.
- King -
I think Trish screwed up.
- King -
Oh my gosh, the two tongue tango....she's smitten. Look at her. She's in love.
- King after Trish & Christian's kiss -
King: Do you know what the old saying is? The bigger they are, what JR?
JR: The harder they fall.
King: No, the harder they hit.
Tazz: Who do you pick in this?
Cole: Who the hell cares.
Tazz: I pick the blonde.
- During the Torrie/Sable v Stacy/Miss Jackie match -
I didn't prepare to talk about panties in this match.
- JR during Molly v Victoria match -
King: What colour is your preference? Pink?
JR: No, white. I knew a very strong man at one time and he taught me that white panties are much more important than any other colour.
King: White cotton panties?
JR: Oh yeah.
King: Lets talk about panties.
JR: Lets talk about the wrestling match. I'd love to do that for a minute.
King: You know what this means don't you JR?
JR: Holy haircut Batman.
Smackdown 13 March
You bet against me at Wrestlemania, dude you in the wrong spot
I keep it x-rated, thats why they call me a long shot.
- John Cena -
Raw 17 October 2003 / Raw 24 October 2003 / Raw 31 October 2003 / Raw 7 November 2003 / Raw 14 November 2003 / Raw 12 March
Jericho (talking on his mobile phone to Trish): Hold on a second, let me just go somewhere where I can actually hear what you're saying, so I can actually hear what you're talking about. Alright, so what were you saying Trish? Okay, you're just coming back from physical therapy right now. Oh thats good. I'm glad you're feeling better. Yeah. I just wanna tell you after my match with Steven Richards tonight nothing is gonna stop me from beating the living hell out of Christian for what he did to you. Yeah, you're right, I am gonna take him downtown to Chinatown. Seriously, I'll never forget how I felt when I had to watch you, the girl I care most about in the entire world get beat down and left in the ring screaming in pain and I was helpless to do anything about that I mean....I can't believe that you just said that Trish, I've been wanting to tell you something for the longest time... Triple H: You like the fact that I might walk out of Wrestlemania without the championship? Get used to disappointment.
Raw 5 March
I fear no spear, just like I fear no beer. Vince McMahon: If I were you Austin, I’d get on my little four wheeler, that little putt putt, that little sheriff mobile or whatever it is you call it, that toy and I would take my redneck, beer swilling, finger gesturing, foul mouthed ass right on out of Atlanta, Georgia and I’d do it right now.
Stone Cold: That ain’t no little toy. That’s a Polaris 700cc, four wheel drive, redneck special with a top speed of 68 miles per hour.
If I was you, I'd turn around and haul ass. Stone Cold: You like to pull hair so much. Look at it this way, if you win the match you become the women's champion. But if you lose the match that means Victoria gets to shave your head completely bald. JR: That’s not Chris Jericho. That’s CLB, the creepy little bastard named Christian. A first class, purebred jackass. Christian: Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel won't be appearing tonight because of the return of the Peep Show. But if its a highlight you people want, look no further than last week when I clotheslined Trish Stratus's pretty little head off her body. Oooh that was rough. Christian: Trish Stratus ruined your life, Trish ruined our friendship so I had to take matters into my own hands.
C’mon you little son of a bitch. You coward! ~ February ~
Smackdown 28 February
I seen the Playboy mag, I know these girls like to show off Raw 27 February
Eric: I appreciate friendship, I really, really do but you wanna know something? Chris Jericho is no friend of mine. Never has been, never will be. I didn't appreciate the fact that he walked out on me while I was running WCW and I sure as hell don't appreciate the fact that he's running around bad mouthing me now. So I've got an idea for you and I hope your best buddy Chris Jericho is watching because tonight Christian, you're gonna have a match and you're gonna have a match with Chris Jericho's other best buddy. Tonight, its gonna be Christian versus Trish Stratus.
JR: I don't think they serve latte's in Oklahoma. Trish: Christian. JR: Let go of her. Where's your little boyfriend at now huh? JR: This could get really really ugly. Smackdown 21 February
Easy slim pickings, don’t get too excited Raw 20 February
If you ain’t got it figured out by the end of the night, Christian: Chris, I just heard you’re wrestling Kane tonight. Why? JR: Jericho, dragging that leg behind him. Trish: Christian, Christian. No Way Out 16 February
Kurt thinks I hit him with a chair, this fool is out of his mind Well, John Cena is an equal opportunity insulter. Smackdown 14 February
You see, the Big Show and John Cena, Raw 13 February
JR: What the hell is going on here? Christian: Trish. Smackdown 7 February
Dawn Marie: I hope you’re not naked. We got Big Show trying to claim MVP status Raw 6 February
King: What’s he coming out here for? That’s my question. We saw alot of Miss Jackie last week and obviously Janet Jackson was watching Raw last week. Jackie; was her father a baker? Cause she’s got great buns. JR: King, you alright? Christian: Hey Trish, how you doin? How could he dare compare Trish Stratus to Yoko Ono? Trish: Chris, are you okay? Are you okay? Oh my god. That was crazy. ~ January ~
Smackdown 31 January
What? I have to pick my own ball? Alright mommy, do me a favour? Blow on my ball for good luck? Thank you. Dawn Marie: Pick a ball. Rhyno: Hey John. Hows the knee? Oh, it’d be a shame if someone targeted it tonight in the Rumble and finished your career for good. Big Show: My hand's not fitting in the hole. Raw 30 January
Jericho: Now, normally I would be quite angry about the fact that Chris Benoit won the Royal Rumble and I didn’t. But I’m actually okay with that because Chris Benoit is on Smackdown and this is Raw is Jericho. And that means that the World Title shot at Wrestlemania is wide open on this side. Now since I was the last member of the Raw roster in the Rumble and since Eric Bischoff still owes me my Survivor Series favour, I think the best way to cash that in is to give that World Title shot to Y2J.
Eric Bischoff: Tonight, you have a choice. You can either use your favour for a World Title shot against Triple H or you can use your favour to cancel the match between Trish and Kane. Now, it can’t be both Chris. So what’s it going to be? Trish: Hey Chris, are you alright? Christian: You threw me out of the Royal Rumble. Christian: I did manage to get us next week, a match for the #1 contendership for the World Tag Team titles. Are you in huh? Can I count on you to be there? Can you focus for five seconds? Or are you gonna piss it all away for some teenage crush? This is Raw Chris, its not an episode of The O.C. Straighten up and get your damn head outta your ass. King: Look at Victoria. I’d like to play photography with her. Royal Rumble 26 January
Thanks to Doug for the following quote
The Cat's got plenty of time to call his Momma. JR: That'll move your spine in places it's not supposed to go. Smackdown 24 January
Last week Paul Heyman, I’m here to apologise Raw 23 January
I heard they went to several gentlemen’s clubs and they were anything but gentlemen. This is a very even matchup. Randy Orton’s political campaign against Mick Foley: What is the truth about Mick Foley? Myth – Mick Foley appeared to be a noble role model. He claimed to be a fearless superstar. And called himself the Hardcore legend. All false, false. Fact – Mick Foley is a gutless coward. A coward who would rather walk away than fight. Fact – Mick Foley is a scared little girl too afraid to face a legend. Fact – Mick Foley is an absolute joke. A joke who knows its obvious he can no longer cut it in the wrestling ring. When you look at the facts it becomes clear, Mick Foley is nothing but a pathetic little bitch. Here’s the face of a fearless superstar, a noble role model and the true Hardcore legend, Randy Orton. A true legend for our time. The preceding has been paid for by the friends and supporters of Randy Orton.
Trish: What do you want? Mark Henry: How does a little man like you expect to throw the World’s Strongest Man over the top rope? Smackdown 17 January
I am sick of hearing your voice, you’re a lousy shmuck Ivory – The Soap That Floats. Do you like soap Paul? You smell like crap so I can tell that you don’t like soap too much. No, no, no, don’t spit it out. Everybody knows you swallow. Don’t spit it out. Paul Heyman: F-U, F-U, F-U, F-U, F-U John Cena. Raw 16 January
Matt Hardy: You know, all my life people have tried to steal my spotlight; my brother Jeff, my girlfriend Lita and now of all people, Stone Cold Steve Austin. You think it’s a coincidence that Matt Hardy Version 1 hasn’t been seen or heard from since Stone Cold came back to Raw? I don’t. Shame on the Board of Directors, shame on them for caving in to Austin and all you ignorant fans. It’s fine right? Cause no longer is Stone Cold a Co-General Manager, he’s a ‘Sheriff’. But we all know that ‘Sheriff’ is just a fancy way of saying that he’s a Co-General Manager that’s allowed to kick ass. But where’s Matt Hardy’s chance to kick some ass? I came out there for some action and to kick ass and I’m not leaving this ring until I get that.
You're a living speedbump. Matt Hardy: You see Stone Cold, the whole reason that Matt Hardy came to Raw was to have unique matches and new opponents and I'm sure that we've wrestled before. So thats what I mean by action. There's no way, no way, no how, I'm getting in a fight with you tonight. This is gonna be as ugly as that hat Coach is wearing. Stacy: I am not the biggest Jericho fan but he obviously cares about you and whether you feel the same way or not, you need to tell him exactly how you feel because if you don’t, this is only gonna get worse. Christian: Hey, hey man. Where the hell is your head? Oh come on, you’ve been showing all this affection to Trish and you’ve been getting nothing, absolutely nothing in return. She’s been messing with your head these last few weeks and now she’s costing you matches, what the hell? Smackdown 10 January
If you all are down with Thuganomics, let me see your hands rise Raw 9 January
Christian: Hey. I think this show needs an injection of Vitamin C right now. Coach, you shouldn't tell anybody how to dress. I remember you told me about when you tried out for the football team. King: It didn’t look like Test was going over to plant a kiss on Victoria. Triple H: Austin, I… I'm not stupid. Chris Jericho: I see you’re in the shower. I’m not gonna look. At least now I know you can’t run away from me. You have to listen to what I have to say. I have to tell you, I know this whole thing started off as a bet okay. I know it was one big joke. But the joke was on me Trish because somewhere along the way I really fell for you. All we were talking about, the feelings that we had, the moments that we shared, they were all real for me Trish and I know that’s hard for you to believe. I don’t blame you if you never want to talk to me again. I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me. I was a total jerk and I apologise so much Trish. I just wanna be a part of your life. I just had to come and tell you this. I had to get this off my chest. I can’t keep going on like this. Smackdown 3 January
Me fighting the FBI, there's no way that I can do this Raw 2 January
Christian : The fact is you turned your back on me for a girl, after everything we’ve been through. I always had your back. I think all referees should wear khaki. JR: Why is Kane assaulting Booker T? Jericho: Hey. Listen, I know you have a match next but I’ve been looking for you forever. I’ve been thinking a lot over the last few weeks and I just wanted to give you this and say Merry Christmas. Give these girls an inch and they’ll wear it for a dress. Never let a kiss fool you, never let a fool kiss you. JR: Well Trish, Lita and Stacy are on the same page, reading the same book.
Raw 21 November 2003 / Raw 28 November 2003 / Raw 5 December 2003 / Raw 12 December 2003 / Armageddon 15 December 2003 /
Raw 19 December 2003 / Raw 2 January 2004 / Raw 9 January 2004 / Raw 16 January 2004 / Raw 23 January 2004 / Raw 30 January 2004 /
Raw 6 February 2004 / Raw 13 February 2004 / Raw 20 February 2004 / Raw 27 February 2004 / Raw 5 March 2004 / Raw 12 March 2004 /
*Christian attacks Jericho from behind, knocking his head on a metal case and then he falls to the floor*
Christian: Did I interrupt something huh? *picks up the phone which fell on the ground* Hey Trish. Stop yelling, calm down alright. I just wanted to let you know I left your little boyfriend in the same position you're used to being in...flat on his back. *throws the phone at Jericho and walks off*
- Stone Cold -
- Stone Cold to Vince -
Molly Holly: No, you can't do that. I have soft, shiny hair. I can't get my hair shaved and walk around like some bald freak.
Stone Cold: You got a problem with bald headed people?
Molly Holly: Fine. I'll do it.
King: Man, don’t sugarcoat it. Why don’t you say what you really feel about the young man.
JR: What?
King: He had to.
Christian: And I had her in the Walls of Jericho and she was screaming in pain. That was rough. And then later that night, I took Trish back to my hotel room and I had her screaming in pleasure. Well that was rough.
King: I didn't know about that part.
Christian: Some chicks like it rough, what can I say and believe you me, it doesn't get any rougher than this.
- Jericho to Christian, who backed down from a fight -
You're evening gowns look divine, I like 'em better with their clothes off
And the magazine was hot, I already been through like thirty
Gave a whole new definition to the words 'beef jerky'.
- John Cena to Torrie & Sable -
King: Probably not.
Christian: Hey.
Trish: Oh my god. I can’t believe this.
Christian: I know, I know. Listen, I don’t want you to think this was my idea for this match alright, it was Eric Bischoff’s idea.
Trish: I know, I know. What are we gonna do?
Christian: I don’t know. Listen, I also want you to know I don’t think this should be in any way a competitive match alright, I think we both know what would happen.
Trish: God, yeah.
Christian: Trish, the last thing I want to do is hurt you okay. It's the complete opposite of what I wanna do okay.
Trish: Okay. Well, what are we gonna do?
Christian: We'll just go out to the ring, I'll lay down and you just cover me 1, 2, 3 and thats it. It's that easy okay.
Trish: Really?
Christian: Yeah.
Trish: Are you sure?
Christian: I’m positive.
Trish: Thank god. I’ve been stressed about it.
Christian: Yeah, no problem. We’ll go, we’ll do that, we’ll hit the showers, we’ll go back to the hotel, hang out, whatever, you know and since I laid down for you maybe you can lay down for me.
Trish: Excuse me. What did you say? You’re kidding me right?
Christian: Alright, I got ya. I got ya. You just passed the CLT.
Trish: The what?
Christian: The CLT. The Christian Love Test. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t gonna two-time my best friend alright. And now that I know you’re not gonna hurt Jericho, Trish that really makes me feel a lot better okay. Everything’s gonna be fine okay. I’ll see you out there okay.
Trish: Okay. See you out there.
Christian: Yep.
King: I'm sure he will...eventually.
- On Christian not letting Trish out of the 'Walls of Jericho' -
- Christian to Trish, while she lays hurt in the ring -
King: Speaking of ugly, look at Kane.
The only reason you rocking that party, John Cena wasn’t invited
Look at you drooling all over yourself, getting your hairy nipple wet
Oh, by the way Show, you never beat me in that triple threat
So its time we settle this, all the marbles, all the money
US title, you and me, Wrestlemania 20
Matter of fact, one on one, you never beat me at all
Challenge is open to you, I know he ain’t got the balls
So go ahead, turn me down, it’ll be the worlds biggest switch
You’ll go from worlds biggest giant to worlds biggest bitch.
-John Cena to Big Show -
I’m gonna drag your little carcass to that ring and I’m
gonna stomp a mud hole in you and I’m gonna walk you dry.
- Stone Cold to Eric -
Jericho: Why? Because Bischoff’s screwing with me cause he knows about my knee that’s why, its obvious.
Christian: C’mon Chris, you heard the trainer. He said your knee’s really banged up. Its gonna be at least two weeks, two weeks. Its monster man.
Jericho: Bischoff put me in a match with Kane. I’m gonna have that match okay but listen, listen, listen, beside that, you’re my best friend right?
Christian: Of course, yeah.
Jericho: You know I trust you more than anyone?
Christian: Yeah, for sure.
Jericho: We're the sexy beasts.
Christian: Yeah man, check out the shirt.
Jericho: I haven't told anybody else this...I want to be more than just friends with Trish.
Christian: What?
Jericho: My feelings run a whole lot deeper than that and I gotta tell her, I gotta tell her. I've got nothing left to lose. I'm gonna tell her tonight. Check this out...
Christian: Where'd this come from?
Jericho: Hold on, hold on. I know it might be a little cheesy, hopeless romantic here hello, but I'm gonna give her this rose as a happy belated valentines present. I'm gonna tell her how I really feel. I wanna know what you think about it.
Christian: What do I think?
Jericho: Yeah tell me, give me your advice.
Christian: Alright, I think you might be making a mistake alright.
Jericho: Really?
Christian: Yeah. I mean who's to say Trish isn't interested in somebody else. I'm sure there's alot of guys that wouldn't mind...you know what I'm saying.
Jericho: You think Trish is interested in somebody else?
Christian: I don't know, I'm just saying.
Jericho: Have you heard something?
Christian: No, no, hey, hey, I definitely haven't heard anything but I would tell you.
Jericho: I know you would.
Christian: Listen, forget about that. Forget about the stuff with Trish. You've got Kane tonight. You're facing Kane and you better focus on that.
Jericho: Oh I'm focused. I'm gonna take Kane downtown to Chinatown tonight and when I'm finished with that I'm gonna tell Trish how I really feel. Hold this for me okay. *Jericho hands the rose to Christian and walks away*
King: I think Kane is dragging Jericho and his leg.
Christian: Oh hey Trish. What's up? What's going on?
Trish: Thank you so much. Oh my god, that was crazy.
Christian: Yeah, I just didn't want to see you get hurt you know, its no big deal.
Trish: Thank you, I really appreciate it. Listen, I'm gonna go see Jericho.
Christian: You're going to see Chris right now? You wanna see him?
Trish: Yeah.
Christian: Cause I was gonna head there also. But I already have a car set up. We might as well just go together huh?
Trish: Yeah. Okay, yeah. If you want to, sure.
Christian: Okay, just give me one second. Just gotta grab something.
Trish: Okay.....ready?
Christian: Yeah. It's a little cheesy but this is for you. *hands Trish Jericho's rose* Belated valentine, you know.
Trish: Okay, well thanks.
Christian: Wanna go?
Trish: Yeah, lets go.*we see Christian put his arm around Trish's lower back as they walk towards the carpark*
I’m not the guy that’s gonna hit another dude from behind
I’m not your right hand Kurt, there’s no way that I can whack you
If I got beef I could ride up to your face and frickin smack you
You wanna know who knocked you out? Heres a really big clue
He’s 500 pounds, he smells like crap and he’s standing right next to you
Lets throw this whale back in the bay and have him sleep with the fishes
This ain’t no three way dance, this is me serving two bitches
No Way Out is my house, check the chain and the lock
These people will hang from my words, you two can swing from my c**k.
- John Cena to Big Show and Kurt -
- Michael Cole -
they may be very different but they have a couple of things in common.
The first: one thinks he's Eminem and the other one eats M&M's...lots of them.
And the other thing they have in common:
they're both gonna lose to me at No Way Out.
- Kurt Angle -
King: I don’t know but…
JR: I know Christian hasn’t approved of this relationship between Jericho and Trish.
King: Well he just helped out big time there. I mean, you know lets face it Jericho and Trish are supposed to be just friends. From what I just saw, that guy right there, Christian may have an eye for Trish Stratus.
JR: Jericho may have just re-injured that knee it looks to me like.
Trish: What was that?
Christian: That’s what I cam to talk to you about alright. Look, I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve been a real jerk lately alright, maybe even a little bit jealous. Okay, I know that’s childish but it’s the truth. But I figured, you know since you and Chris are just friends.
Trish: Yeah well.
Christian: There’s no reason why the three of us can’t have a healthy relationship, you know?
Trish: Right. Yeah, I guess.
Christian: Anyways, how’s he doing? Is he okay?
Trish: No, he’s not good. I mean, his knee is like sprained. He might be out a couple of weeks. We don’t know.
Christian: Okay.
Trish: Its not good.
Christian: Alright, well I’m gonna get in there and check on him okay.
Trish: Alright.
Christian: Alright, I’ll talk to you….Trish?
Trish: Yeah?
Christian: You look really good tonight.
John Cena: Snap! Girl, you know the sneakers not the only thing that I can pump.
Dawn Marie: Oh really?
John Cena: Girl, you look good.
Paul Heyman: Hi John.
John Cena: Wonderful timing Paul.
Paul Heyman: John, hows that injured knee of yours doing?
John Cena: Still eating right.
You ain’t got nothin but it’s okay, you definitely the fattest
Aw chill chill, you’re thinning out man, your chin ain’t that rounded
You losing weight up in the fact but your ass definitely found it
Angle, chill over there Kojak, you don’t need to be talking trash
He plays his ?? so much he got a milk moustache
And at No Way Out I’m gonna have you throwing Olympic fits
I’ll rip off you’re title shot quicker than Janet Jackson’s tits.
- John Cena -
Coach: Well, whatever Ric Flair is coming out here for, it’s important. He’s the Nature Boy.
King: I knew you would know Coach.
She tried to steal Miss Jackie’s thunder last night at the Superbowl but you know, Janet Jackson only did a half way job.
- King -
- King -
King: I’ve gotta tell my pants its not polite to point.
- From watching Stacy and Miss Jackies dancing in the ring -
Trish: Great Christian. What do you want?
Christian: Nothing. I’m just hanging around reading about The Beatles.
Trish: Oh yeah.
Christian: Yeah. They were amazing, weren’t they? Just amazing. They could have been so much more had it not been for Yoko Ono. You know who Yoko is right?
Trish: Uh huh, yeah.
Christian: Yeah. The woman who became ‘good friends’ with John Lennon, distracted him from his best buddy Paul McCartney to the point where instead of making great music, all they did was argue back and forth and back and forth about this chick until eventually she sunk her claws in and broke up the greatest band of all time.
Trish: Yeah, I don’t know if it happened exactly like that.
Christian: No?
Trish: No.
Christian: Maybe. Maybe not. But you know, if I was Paul McCartney, what I would of done? I wouldn’t of waited for Yoko to break up The Beatles cause I would of taken that skank, I would of slammed her to the ground and smashed her in the head with a one man con-chairto. Bang! I’m just crazy like that; that’s just me. Anyways, good luck tonight Trish.
- King on Christian -
Jericho: Yeah, it was crazy. Listen, that was a screwed up situation okay. I should have known better than to trust Bischoff. I should have known better. Trish, listen. There’s something I have to tell you okay.
Trish: What?
Jericho: Just relax. I just wanna tell you…
Christian: What the hell are you doin man? You’re out there trying to play hero on the night we have a World Tag Team title match, are you insane? What’s the matter with you? And you, haven’t you caused enough damage? Why don’t you get the hell out of here? Get the hell out of here.
Jericho: Why don’t you shut the hell up? You don’t talk to her like that and you don’t talk to me like that either, you understand? I know what’s at stake tonight, I know what’s on the line. Don’t you worry about me. You just worry about getting the job done. Just worry about becoming the World Tag Team champions.
- Kurt on having to pick his number for the SD Royal Rumble -
- Eddie Guerrero to Dawn Marie -
John Cena: Aw no see, you fine enough to be lady luck. Why don’t you reach down there and grab my ball.
Paul Heyman: *makes a noise like buzzer* Wrong answer. See, sorry John but in my office Dawn Marie can’t grab anybodies balls. You have to pick your own ball. That’s what the rules…
John Cena: Alright Captain Buzzkill, take a seat.
John Cena: Rhyno, you stink. Paul, give him some soap.
Paul Heyman: That’s not funny.
Paul Heyman: You’re gonna break it. So I’m gonna make an exception because of that. Dawn, this one time please pick the Big Show’s ball.
*Big Show laughs*
Dawn: Here ya go.
Big Show: Thank you.
Dawn Marie: Oh my goodness, your hands are huge.
Big Show: Yeah, chicks dig it big baby.
Dawn Marie: Chicks do dig it big, Show.
Jericho: You son of a bitch.
Eric Bischoff: Oh, Chris. No need to elaborate Chris, I can see it in your eyes. You still have feelings for Trish. Consider the match cancelled.
Jericho: Hey. What are you doing here?
Trish: Well, really I came to just say thank you. Not only did you give up your World Title shot and I know that means alot to you but you had to go through all that and really just to save me. I would have had to face Kane and that’s just crazy.
Jericho: Trish, Trish I mean after all we’ve been through, it’s the least I could do okay. I just didn’t want to see you get hurt and that’s why…
Trish: Thank you. Thank you, it means alot. Um, speaking of all we’ve been through.
Jericho: Uh huh.
Trish: I just uh, I was really glad we kinda understand how we feel about each other, you know what I mean?
Jericho: What do you mean?
Trish: I mean, I think we have a good relationship, you know?
Jericho: I think the same thing. That’s what I thought the whole time.
Trish: We’re like really close…
Jericho: Absolutely.
Trish: Friends.
Jericho: Yeah, close…friends. I mean, that’s what I wanted the whole time. I just wanted to be your friend.
Trish: Friends?
Jericho: Yeah.
*Trish and Jericho look as though they are going to hug each other but Trish changes her mind and shakes Jericho’s hand*
Trish: I mean, not friends like you and Christian. I’m not gonna go out on the town with you and help you score chicks or anything, you know?
Jericho: How did you hear about that?
Trish: Well…
Christian: Hey guys, what’s going on? What’s up? What you guys doing?
Jericho: We’re having a conversation, that’s what we’re doing.
Jericho: You tried to throw me out first jackass. And besides, you know the Rumble is every man for himself. You know that.
- To Jericho -
JR: I’m sure you would Uncle Jerry.
King: You know how you do that?
JR: Hows that?
King: Take her in a darkroom and see what develops.
JR: Back to the wrestling portion of the Royal Rumble.
- After Ernest the Cat Miller was eliminated -
- JR after The Cat was eliminated from the Rumble match -
Tazz: It'll shift your ass cheeks too.
- On Big Show slapping Nunzio's back -
Cause when fat ass was eating soap, I should of rubbed some in his eyes
It was Paul Heyman who made the match
Ain’t no way I’m stoppin’ it
Last week he was chewing soap, that fools just used to dropping it
And its ironic that his favourite team is the New York Yankees
Who is his favourite little rascal? Alfalfa or is it Spanky?
Or is it Brock? I heard they give each other naked back rubs
Big Show’s got the neck brace, he was bobbing for apples in Paul’s bathtub
Tonight is just like the Rumble, competition is soft
People attack me, I throw ‘em out, they just keep beating them off
- John Cena -
I can’t believe I didn’t go with them.
- King on Christian & Jericho -
- Coach on the match of Kane vs Spike Dudley -
Christian: Hey, hey, hey, calm down. I’m not looking for any trouble okay. I just wanna clear the air here okay.
Trish: Oh really?
Christian: Yeah. Trish, look I know Chris broke your heart with that stupid little bet and everything.
Trish: Yeah, you got it.
Christian: Yeah and then he made it worse by actually telling you that he had feelings for you. But between you and I, I know how you really feel about Chris Jericho.
Trish: You do?
Christian: Well, yeah I do. You never wanna see him again right? That is what you said. You said “I never wanna see him again.”
Trish: …Right, yeah. That’s what I said.
Christian: Great, hey, great. Cause the good news is Trish, he feels the exact same way about you.
Trish: Great.
Christian: At least after I took him out last week anyway. I mean, c’mon check out these pictures I took on my phone huh. Look at that one huh. Yeah, we had such a great time. Look at this chick, Cindy. Even you gotta admit she is hot. Where’s his hand at there? Where’s his hand at now huh? And this one, oooer, Alexis. This is the one Chris went home with I think. Anyways, you get the picture. Look Trish, just so there’s no mixed signals, you were the last thing on his mind. That is what you wanted right?
Trish: …Yeah.
Christian: Well, great, hey, great, hey. It was good talking to you Trish. You have a good day alright. Take care of yourself.
*Christian looks at photos on his phone again*
I forgot about the midgets. They were great.
*Christian walks away as Trish rolls her eyes and then sighs*
Jericho: Let me tell you something Mark, the only thing strong about you is the stench that surrounds you. What, did you douse yourself in ass? What’d you eat for dinner? A steaming pile of moose vomit?
Mark Henry: No.
Jericho: Take a shower.
Mark Henry: It’s not moose vomit.
Jericho: Well, what is it? It stinks.
Mark Henry: It’s my stank.
Jericho: Oh yeah?
Mark Henry: And if you ever get close enough to Trish again then you’ll smell my stank all over you’re little girlfriend. My stank smells good…on Trish.
*Mark Henry walks off and Jericho is left not looking too happy*
I’d rather listen to all these people tell you that you suck
Oh sorry, this is your big day, well I’m out here to spoil it
Dude looks like something I just left in the toilet
You see, I don’t need your approval Paul, I’m gonna take my respect
I bounce you quicker than an ECW chick
You talk a big game but you standing in my playpen
Do you all wanna see my beat the living hell outta Paul Heyman?
I just heard the crowd man, ain’t no way I can pass
Time to put this mic down so I can kick your ass.
- John Cena -
- The soap that was used in the next segment -
- John Cena to Paul Heyman -
- John Cena gets Paul to eat some soap -
John Cena: F-Me? F-Moi? I believe the correct verbage would be F-U Paul Heyman.
- JR to Coach -
Stone Cold: Not only is that a bold display of being a coward but hell, I oughta write you a damn ticket for impersonating a wrestler.
- King -
Trish: You’re right.
Jericho: She never cost me the match.
Christian: Hey, hey, hey, hey, don’t make excuses. You think its some sort of coincidence that she just happened to come to ringside, getting into it with Jazz and cost you the match because I don’t. She’s trying to get even with you man. She’s trying to screw you over.
*Jericho shakes his head*
Christian: I’m not saying this to hurt your feelings, I’m saying this because I’m your best friend. Trish does not care about you. She’s doesn’t care about you. So look, this is what we’re gonna do about it alright…grab your bag, we’ll go back to the hotel, get showered up, get on your best clothes, I’ve got peeps in Long Island and we’re gonna do up this town ‘sexy beast style’ alright? And believe me, after tonight, the last broad on your mind is gonna be Trish.
Jericho: You may be right.
Christian: I am right. You’re damn right I’m right. Lets go.
About time they realise that John Cena is the franchise
All you parents hate me cause I got a dirty mouth
But we still kicking ass up in the dirty South
I got fans peeing their pants like old folks with blue blockers
Now I'm about to give the F-U to Chewbacca
You ain't a Wookie man, I kill it with the sweet talk
When I'm done with him, he'll be a little bitty Ewok
A-Train beating John Cena, thats no dice
You'll get kicked off my campus quicker than Coach Price
You ain't an A-Train, you'se a baby carriage
I'm gonna bust you up quicker than Britney Spears' marriage.
- John Cena -
Jericho: What the hell do you want? Huh?
Christian: Look Chris, I just came here to talk to you.
Jericho: Oh about what? You want an argument again?
Christian: No, no I don’t want to argue. I just wanted to apologise for the way that I acted last week, alright, I was outta line. And look, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Trish, I don’t know where you’ve been, what you’re doing, whether you’re ever gonna get her back. Its really none of my business alright. But what I do know is that you and I were a great tag team, but more than that, we were better friends. So about all this bet stuff and the pushing down and all this other stuff, I just wanna say that I’m sorry.
Jericho: Sorry huh?
Christian: Yeah, I’m sorry.
Jericho: You’re sorry. Well you know what I have to say to that Christian? I'm sorry too. I'm sorry because you're right, we are great friends and we are a great tag team. Look at all the stuff we've been through. I mean, we were the Tag Team champions of the world.
Christian: TLC matches.
Jericho: Last year you and I threw Shawn Michaels right out of the Royal Rumble.
Christian: That was great.
Jericho: Oh, it was tremendous.
Christian: Oh, oh, oh, hey. The time that the Dudleyz stole all our clothes and they found your jar of Asscream.
Jericho: That was your jar of Asscream.
Christian: It doesn't matter, forget it.
- Jericho knows what Raw needs -
I see you haven't let success go to your clothes.
- King -
The Coach hands you the ball and says "Can you pass this?"
And you said "If I could swallow it, I could pass it."
- King to Jonathan Coachman -
Coach: He’s already been there, he’s done that, he’s tasted the nectar.
*Test grabs Victoria’s arm but Victoria struggles herself free*
JR: Take your hands off of her. Tough guy.
King: What’s he want? A little more nectar?
Coach: He might. Its good. Not that I know from personal experience.
King: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Coach: What’s he looking at?
Triple H: Is that a badge? Are you wearing a badge?
Coach: He probably got it out of a box of crackerjacks.
Triple H: Hey, in all seriousness, did that come with a little plastic belt with some cap guns in it and a little plastic hat? Cause I had that same set when I was a kid. I used to love that – playing cops and robbers. Whole thing was a blast.
Coach: *hehehe* It was good.
Stone Cold: Are you through?
Coach: I hope not.
Stone Cold: Are you through wasting my time?
Triple H: I think so.
Stone Cold: What this badge means is: Yes, I am the Sheriff. And I will uphold the law any way I see fit. If I see fit to stun your ass for flapping your gums, then I will.
- Trish, not falling for Jericho trying to help her again -
*Mae Young appears with a towel around her. Mae was in the shower, not Trish. She asks Jericho if he wants to see her puppies and she flashes him. Jericho quickly leaves Trish’s locker room*
Now to get to the Royal Rumble I gotta beat the Three Stooges
Thats not all, I heard your door swings the wrong way bro
Not me, I hit on chicks like drunk Broadway Joe
Enough of that talk about John Cena being a man whore
Let me tell you people what FBI really stands for
Forget your greased up hair and that stupid cigar Chuck
The F means that you guys are stupid as f***
Yeah, thats right, what you gonna get when you step to me
Dude, I seek you out with straight ESP
You try to come at me, bring another hit
You not full blooded, you full of bulls***
And the Doctor of Thuganomics is about to take you to class
Because that I stands for 'I'm about to kick your ass'.
- John Cena -
Jericho: I never turned my back on you.
Christian: Hey, you ditched me for a girl.
- King after Ric Flair refereed wearing khaki trousers -
King: Well go down there and ask him.
*Jericho hands Trish a christmas present wrapped in green paper with a red ribbon*
Trish: Really?
Jericho: Yeah.
Trish: That is so sweet.
Jericho: Thanks.
Trish: So this is gonna make me forget everything right? This is gonna make everything - just sweep it under the carpet?
Jericho: No.
Trish: Yeah. I'm really surprised because this is something that Chris Jericho would do, to think that this, I mean its very nice, this gift would um make me forget that you had a bet, to sleep with me, for a dollar and a Canadian dollar, so like I was worth like seventy five cents American to you. That is really nice, thanks, that is beautiful.
Jericho: Trish, it wasn't about the dollar.
Trish: No, it wasn't? No, what?
Jericho: No, it wasn't about the bet.
Trish: I know what it is, it was the way that it went at the pay per view. Congratulations, good stuff. Right?
Jericho: It wasn't about the win at Armageddon either.
Trish: No.
Jericho: No, it wasn't.
Trish: Well, tell me what you wanted to get out of this?
Jericho: I don't even...
Trish: Yeah, you know what? Let me tell you what I got out of this.
Jericho: What?
Trish: I got my heart broken. God, I hate that you're making me feel like this. I hate that you're doing this to me. You know why? Because, God, I should have known. Because I should have known that you're not gonna change. You're not gonna change who you are because I fell for you. Because Chris, I really cared about you. You know what? Just go...away. Just...
Jericho: Trish, I made a mistake.
Trish: No Chris, I made the mistake.
*Trish walks away and leaves the present with Jericho*
- King on seeing the Diva’s Happy Holidays outfits -
- King’s advice for Trish -
King: I can read women like a book.
JR: Oh, can you?
King: Yeah, I like to read in bed.
